Sunday, August 30, 2009

Doing nothing

Guess what I'm doing right now? NOTHING!!! Yup, I'm doing absolutely nothing. Just sitting down and not hurrying to get this post done, so that I can get back to work. I'm sitting in a peaceful, clutter-free living room. My to-do list is complete, the birthday party is behind me, the kitchen is clean, the littles are getting ready to settle down for the evening and I am just going to sit here and do NOTHING. Nothing has never felt so good.

I have a lot of experience with doing nothing. Most of my days this summer have been filled with doing nothing. It felt different then. Doing nothing used to leave me feeling guilty and sad at the end of the day. I hated doing nothing, but I knew no other way. I was not able to accomplish what I needed to do because I was paralyzed. All of the clutter and mess that surrounded me, kept me stuck. I was really good at avoiding responsibility. I hid behind the new found joy that I had begun to experience. I told myself that it was ok to do what ever I wanted to do. I told myself that my spirit had been held captive for so long that it was crucial that I only do what my spirit longed to do. Unfortunately what my spirit longed for and what I was actually doing were not the same thing. So the clutter stayed where it was and my new found joy slowly started to feel like anything, but joy.

When I finally started listening I was able to actually do something. I started with babysteps. Slowly the clutter was starting to disappear. Then something took me over and I was doing things that I have never been able to do in the past. I started something and I actually kept going and didn't quit. That was when my days of doing nothing ended. My spirit took over and I just kept moving forward even when I felt like I was losing a part of myself with every box I closed up. Now I know that I was actually gaining a part of myself with every box.

The to-do list is complete. I am proud of all that I have accomplished these last few weeks. I am thankful that I listened to my spirit and released the mountain of clutter that I had surrounding me. I am shining brighter once again. Mr. Man and the littles are also shining today.

My home is no longer controlled by "stuff". Don't get me wrong. I still have work to do. There are two rooms left in my home that are housing more "stuff". When I look at these two rooms my reaction is very different than it used to be. I am not filled with dread. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't feel shame. I feel happy. I feel excited. Excited about the prospect of getting to let go of a little more.

But tonight, I do nothing. Tomorrow is the last day of summer break for the littles and I plan on doing nothing with them all day. I wonder what nothing will look like. I am getting my to-do list ready for tomorrow and it will have one task on it....NOTHING.

Just my thoughts.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I do it because I can

The countdown continues. I have two days left. Two days to finish getting my home in order for a party. The last time we had a party in our home was October 2008. I used to hate having to invite people over. It meant that I would be scrambling at the last minute to get everything done on time. I always made things difficult by waiting till the last minute to even begin to clean and organize. I would THINK about starting months in advance. Then a few weeks ahead I would still be thinking about starting. Finally a couple days before the party I would become a crazy woman. Madly dashing about, barking orders at everyone. Pretty much making life miserable for myself and all those in my path. The day before the party I would clean the kitchen, the bathroom and the living room.

Here's what cleaning looked like. I would put all the piles of things in bins and baskets and pile them in the hallway. Then I would dust, vacuum and scrub. The day of the party all of those bins/baskets would go into my bedroom and get piled on the bed. My bedroom door would be shut and the steps to the basement would be blocked off so no one could enter. I would breath a huge sigh of relief and enjoy my nice clean, clutter free home. Then every one would go home and I would have to drag everything back out. So I had a nice clean home for about 3 hours.

What a change this time. Today there are no boxes, bins or baskets to haul into my bedroom. The basement will be accessible for all the nieces and nephews to play in. My bedroom door will not have to be closed. I have only a few tasks to complete over the next 2 days. My to-do list is not overwhelming to me. What a change indeed.

I was thinking last evening about where I got the strength to do all of the decluttering that I have. Why was I able to accomplish so much in just under 2 weeks time? It's not like I've never tried this before. Mr. Man reminded me the other day that the last time I attempted to do this type of decluttering I had a bit of nervous breakdown. He recalled how little #2, who was about 9 at the time, had called him at work to tell him that mommy was crying and wouldn't stop. Of course, Mr. Man rushed right home to find me curled up in a ball huddled in the living room sobbing. That was the last time I seriously tried to clear away the mess.

Here's my thought on why I can do today what I have never been able to do in the past. It's actually quite simple. Because I can. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I could have done it at anytime, but that is not true. I couldn't do any of this in the past. I wanted to. I dreamed about it. I couldn't do it because I didn't believe in my heart and soul that it could be done. I could say that I wanted to do it, but until I truly believed it, it was an unattainable dream. I couldn't believe it because I was never to allow myself to do anything that my spirit truly wanted to do. I was a prisoner. Anytime I would come close to being able to accomplish this kind of task, that bully that used to reside in my heart would slap me back down. My spirit needed to be free.

Today my spirit is free. I allow myself to do anything that my spirit longs to do. I lovingly embrace my spirit. It is this embrace that has helped me to accomplish things in my life that I have never been able to do. In all areas of my life. My spirit has guided me out of depression and addiction. It has helped me create more loving relationships with my family and friends. My spirit is showing me the way to my truest self. Showing me what I truly want my life to look and feel like. So far I really like what I see. I really like how I feel. Yes, I have days when I am feeling down or cranky. I am human after all. Those days are few in number. Since starting this decluttering I feel almost giddy. My home has a very different energy to it now. My family seems happier also. I have received so much support from my family and friends. Both in real life and here on this blog. I am able to hear and appreciate all of this support today.

Before I go I just wanted to give you an idea of what I have accomplished in the last 11 days. Besides the 54 boxes/bags of items decluttered, I have crossed off 22 out of the 30 tasks on my master to-do list. I have done all of this because I CAN.

Is there anything that you can do today that you have never been able to do before?

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Progress not perfection

I have a progress report. As of today I have decluttered a total of 54 bags/boxes. I have completely cleared my bedroom floor. The hallway which leads to the bedrooms is no longer lined with boxes and crates and bags. Our basement play room is now a play room and not a storage facility.

Yesterday I had a brief moment of overwhelm. I was feeling like things were not going to come together for this party on Sunday. I was looking at my to-do list and instead of feeling confident that it would all be done, I was feeling panic. So much to do, so little time. What if it doesn't all get done? The boy's bedroom walls haven't been washed down yet. The girls room still hasn't been cleaned up. I haven't gotten my dressers decluttered yet. I haven't decluttered the hallway closet!!!!!"

Mr. Man calmly pointed out to me that I was being unrealistic. He was right. As usual. Nobody is going to see my bedroom dressers. And I don't recall any of my in-laws rummaging through my closets in the past. I was being that perfectionist that occasionally comes out and tries to trip me up. I was focusing on having EVERY thing done. So I took my to-do list and I re-evaluated and re-planned these remaining few days. I ended up with a plan that I can live with, that won't make me crazy.

I look around my home and I see nothing but progress. Every room has been improved on in some way or another. I can breath in my home. I don't feel the heavy energy that used to attach to me every evening. My days and nights flow together with no dread of going to bed and no dread of getting up again. All of that is progress.

My work is not finished. It will not be completely finished for a few months, but I can wait. I can let this progress take place at the pace it needs to take place. I can get done the few things that need to be done by Sunday and then I can enjoy the company of family in my peaceful home. Free of shame or guilt. I love progress.

Wait a minute. I just thought of one more thing that needs to be done. I think that we need to steam clean the carpet in the living room and the hallway. Mr. Man says it will be more work than its worth and that nobody cares about the carpet. But, the carpet is REALLY bad. Here we go again....

Just my thoughts.

Monday, August 24, 2009

A sorrowful and joyful day for me

I'm sitting here in the early morning hours trying frantically to get this post done before the Littles start to rise. As I sit here with soft music playing in the background and the windows open, so I can hear all the birds, I am filled with such peace and serenity. I really do feel like my heart is ready to burst and that my spirit is ready to break out in song along with the birds. I can not begin to describe to you in words how different my home feels. A little over a week ago the energy here weighed me down. Today it feels as if it is lifting me up. I literally felt as if I were being lifted out of bed this morning, instead of me dragging myself to get up. It looks lighter and feels lighter here. Ok, so I guess I could begin to describe how different my home feels.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Mr. Man and I were going through more in the bedroom and when he was vacuuming, the magnitude of what I had created in my home hit me. I didn't feel shameful or bad about myself, but I did feel sorry for the person that I used to be. How sad she was. How angry she was. She kept herself all locked up inside and that filled me with sorrow. I also felt this intense sense of empathy for others in the world who live entombed by clutter. I wanted to shout out to all of them that it doesn't have to be that way. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just then, Little #6 came in our room and started dancing around the bed. Running all over the open space that is there now. I was filled with the joyfulness in her heart. I saw how happy she was to be able to just spin around in open space. So in a 5 minute time I had experienced tears of deep sorrow and tears of immense joy. I don't recall ever experiencing those kinds of emotions at the same time. It was very powerful and it changed me.

So I allowed myself to cry the remainder of the day. I knew that I needed to release the emotional clutter that had built up in my soul. I didn't spend the whole day crying, but if I felt tears welling, I simply let them fall. My room is nearly completed. I am considering posting before and after pics, but I will have to contemplate that for awhile. A small part of me is still too embarrassed to show others how I have lived. Another small part of me wants to show others what a beautiful transformation it is.

I'm off to start my day now. I have my to-do list and I have the inner strength to keep trudging forward. My mountain now feels more like some foot hills. Soon I will have a break from climbing all together. Until I pick my next dream.

Thank you all for all of the support I have received here. You have helped lighten my load and brighten my heart.

Just my thoughts.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Dreams are meant to be shared

This past week has been amazing. I have released so much excess clutter and my spirit is shining brighter. I believe that posting here daily about this journey has helped with the progress I have made. When I decided to share my dream of a peaceful home, I was nervous. I didn't want people to know that part of me. I was fearful that I would become ashamed, and shame has always stopped me in my tracks in the past.

Today my dream is reaching another group of people. I submitted my dream to the Dream Weaving blog and you can find it there today. I know that I have been greatly helped by all the encouragement that I have received from those who read here. So spreading my dream can only bring me more encouragement while I'm on the final stretch. In one week there will be a birthday party here for Little #6 and two of her cousins. I will not have to close bedroom doors or block off the steps to the basement, in fear that people will see our clutter. The clutter will be gone. My home will be one big open door and my heart will be more open also.

So please join me here and help spread my dream. If you have a dream maybe you would consider telling people. Dreams are meant to be shared, and Dream Weaving is a great place to do it.

Thank you all for your support. My updates will continue this week and I'm very excited and nervous about what the final outcome will be.

Just my thoughts.

Friday, August 21, 2009

A trip down memory lane...sort of

Had a very productive day today. My baby sister came over and helped me out. She is always so willing to help and I am blessed to have her near by. My house definitely looks like it is under construction, yet the energy feels lighter. I feel so at peace. Rooms are starting to look more open. I feel like I can breathe easier. With the exception of all the sneezing. I guess when you don't move things for 4 years they gather a lot of dust. I know it's been 4 years because I found some mail and magazines from 2005 in my room today.

I also came across my high school senior yearbook. As soon as I opened it I knew that I was opening up an emotional can of worms. I actually began to feel nervous. As I looked through the pages I realized that I barely remembered any of these people. I do know that it may be normal to not remember everyone from 25 years ago. With each turn of the page I became more and more emotional. Tears filled my eyes as it became obvious to me that I not only didn't remember my classmates, but I couldn't even remember what I was like. I didn't recognize that girl in the pictures. She sure didn't smile very much. I figured that I wasn't that popular because I wasn't in the yearbook all that much. Then I started reading what some of the classmates that had signed my book had to say.

Most of the comments where about all the fun we had in class. What a special friend I was and how I was going to be missed when I went away to college. I was sweet and a good listener. I knew how to have fun and I knew how to put people at ease. So many people hoped we wouldn't lose touch with each other. It was also the hope of many that my boyfriend and I would stay together forever. Well, neither of those hopes made it. I lost the boy and the friends, and apparently I lost myself also. I know that I have always struggled with memory. I guess I just don't understand why. Why don't I remember these people who I seemed to have had a lot of fun with? People who were very obviously important to me at the time.

I have reconnected with some of these special people when we all started to find each other on Facebook. It's true. I Facebook and I Twitter, but that's another blog post. I have been tempted many times to ask each of these classmates to tell me what I was like. To tell me some things they remember that we did together for fun. I want to know it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. If I was bitch, I want to know. If I was obnoxious, I want to know. Was I kind and fun or crabby and depressing? I wouldn't even mind if I heard a few, "I'm sorry, but I really just don't remember you." Someday I am going to get up enough nerve to ask. For now, I'll just go by what was written in my yearbook. I can live with that Jill. The fun, easy going, sweet Jill who people felt good around. I'm that person right now.

Do you remember who you were in high school? How different are you now from that person?

Just my thoughts.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Here's a song about me

I think that Mr. Man is feeling neglected, so this will be short and sweet. Fabulous day, fabulous progress. Little #1 came over and helped me get ahead. So here's a song to tell you how I feel today.

You really have to get up and dance along with this one. Enjoy!!

Just my thoughts.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Exhausted but shining bright

I am completely physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm too tired to formulate a thought that would make any sense of what I have experienced today. All I can say right now is that THIS IS HARD!!! My back aches, my head hurts, my eyes are itchy, I can't eat, my mind is flooded with thoughts and plans and re-plans. I'm frustrated because it seems that I'm not getting enough done.

However, as I go out in to my garage and look at the 26 boxes that are ready to be picked up tomorrow for charity, I am filled with so much Divine Light that I can hardly keep my feet on the ground. Being able to let go of all of that clutter is all I need to fill my heart with this Light. I'm still exhausted, but I'm joyfully exhausted. I'm ready to go to bed in my room, which now has two small areas cleared. I'm ready to get up tomorrow and celebrate the release of these objects which have been holding me down. I'm ready to get done what I can and leave the rest for the next day. If I weren't so tired, I probably wouldn't be able to sleep from all this energy that is building inside of me.

So today I have a total of 46 boxes that I have been able to let go of. I can see down my hallway and I won't trip on anything when I get up in the middle of the night. My free spirit, that usually disappears in the evening hours, is hanging out a little longer tonight.

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Little #6 turns 4 and a bit of gratitude

I took the day off of decluttering today because it was Little #6's birthday. I can hardly believe that it has been 4 years since this little angel came into the world. Little #6 (Ava) had a rough start in life. She struggled with failure to thrive and cried almost non-stop for almost a year. She developed a bond to me that caused her great fear around strangers, even as young as 1 month of age. Mr. Man even had to wait till she was almost 8 months old before she would let him tend to her without tears. It was hard on her and her parents. I am sure that her siblings didn't enjoy it either.

Today she is a strong, independent little girl. She definitely struggles with the "Little Princess syndrome". She has also been a bit more attached to me then I have wanted at times. She is my oldest nursling. Yes, I said it. She is still nursing. Not as much as she usually does, but she still does in the evening. I have struggled with this for a number of months now. I have felt as if I were ready to be done, but I knew that she was not. So I think we have hit a good compromise. She still gets her "milkies" once a day, and I don't feel touched out most of the day. Yes, I can't wait for the day she decides that she's done. Completely done. However, I also know that she is the end of the line. There will be no more Littles. So I cherish this special bond we have and know that she is strong and independent because I have honored her need for this attachment.

Happy birthday my littlest angel.

Just my thoughts.

I would like to give an extra big thank you to all of you who have reached out to me with your kind words these last couple of days. I have had a few people ask me if there is anything that they can do to support me. Believe me, just asking me that question is enough support to carry me through the task at hand. There are a couple of things that I thought of when I tried to think of the kind of support I need. They are simple. Just think of me and envision me succeeding in this journey. Visualize me shining and free. Living in a peaceful, simplified home with my beautiful family. The other thing I thought of was this. If there is anything that I say or experience here that impacts you in some way, please share that with me and with others. Spread the word that we don't have to be prisoners in our own homes. We don't have to live our lives fearful that someone will see our cluttered homes and judge us. We don't have to judge ourselves either. We can be free spirited beings. So tonight I sit in gratitude for all the well wishes and "You go, girl" comments. I'm definitely going.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Day 1 - Believe

Day 1 of my journey to letting go is done. I have to say that it has been a day of many emotions. I started my day with to-do list in hand and I was ready for a day of freeing myself from things that have been holding me down. I knew I wouldn't get much done because I had to go shopping for birthday presents for little #6. She turns 4 tomorrow and I hadn't gotten anything for her.

This shopping trip did not set me back. I returned home late in the afternoon and I was ready for action. I even managed to enlist the help of 3 of the littles. I had a list of 6 things to do. By the time 9:30 rolled around I had finished 5 of those 6 things. I was flying high. I felt unbeatable. Nothing could stop me from crossing off that final task.

My final task was to work on decluttering my bedroom. I began the walk down the hall to my room and the closer I got the heavier my mood became. I took one step into my room and suddenly I was completely overwhelmed. All I could do was wander around my room, which is actually just walking around the bed. My room is so cluttered up that there is only about 2 feet around the bed. So I paced around the bed and felt completely helpless. I so wanted to just leave and close the door, which is what I usually do. I must have walked to the door and stopped 3 or 4 times.

I was ready to give up. I was already letting myself think that 5 out of 6 was pretty good. It really is ok. Me getting 5 things done in one day is a big deal. That wasn't the point. The point was that I knew I couldn't let all this fear that was building inside of me take over. So here's what I did. I went and got my camera and I took pictures of my room. I wanted to be able to compare my room before to my room after. I needed to be able to look at this clutter through a new lens. The lens of the camera revealed to me that all of the excess "stuff" entombed my bed. It showed me that I may feel like an incredibly free-spirited person by day, but that at night I am far from this free-spirit. I can never be truly free until I am free of the clutter. I once again found a glimmer of strength to begin in my room. I took a baby step. I cleared one small area in my room and called it a night. I felt lighter once again.

I don't know if I'll ever post the before pictures of my room. There is some shame attached to the condition it is in. I don't want to sit in shame. I do have to say that I definitely believe that I can continue on this journey to freedom. I will continue to fight for the freedom that my spirit will feel when I am not surrounded by a fortress of stuff. I know that the next 11 or 12 days are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I am up for the challenge. All I have to do is believe. I believe.

Just my thoughts.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I have a dream

I have dream that I would like to share with you. I have struggled for years with keeping my home out of chaos. I have rooms and rooms that are filled with boxes, bins and bags. Filled with stuff that I know I do not need. Yet each time I try to go through this excess clutter, I freeze and turn away from the mess. I choose to ignore it. I pretend it does not exist.

Recently I have found a glimmer of strength to begin this huge process of releasing all of this excess 'stuff'. I have boxed up close to 40 boxes that have been or are waiting to be donated. These 40 boxes are just a drop in the bucket. I have planned out what is to take place the next few weeks to help remove this clutter from our home. I feel strong and ready. So my dream is this: To release all of the clutter that has kept myself and my family in chaos. To have a home that feels like the peaceful haven that we all deserve.

I CAN make this dream come true. However, if my dream is to become a reality I need all the support I can get. I would love to share this success with others at the same time. So for the next couple of weeks I will be posting daily. I will be sharing my progress as I climb this mountain. It is going to be difficult. I will be battling a demon along the way. This demon is that part of me that feels comfort from holding on to things. That loud voice in my head that throws a tantrum every time I try to discard of some useless object. I will be using this blog as a way to be accountable. To get the job done. I also feel like this blog is to be used as a way to reach out to the angels that exist to keep me strong and focused. I'm going to just put it out there and say that I feel as if I am being Divinely inspired to share this task. Maybe no one will follow along on this venture, but thats ok. Because as the Abba song, I Have a Dream, says: I believe in angels. When I know the time is right for me, I'll cross the stream - I have a dream.

Just my thoughts.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Good times

Mr. Man & I just took the 4 youngest away for a couple of days to a waterpark nearby. It was a short stay, but it was perfect. As the parents, we had many moments of fun and silliness. We also had a few moments of frustration that comes when you have 4 wound up little people in a hotel room. What I found interesting was that I was able to recognize that they were only acting so wild because they were so excited about staying in a hotel and going to the waterpark the next day. The reason that this is interesting is because I have never been one to look for the underlying cause of obnoxious behavior in the past. What usually happened was me getting mad because my peace was being disturbed, or me feeling embarrassed by my kids high noise level. It was never about what they were dealing with, but rather what I was going through.

I also let Mr. Man be a parent. I didn't try to control what he said or did. I didn't tell him he was wrong to be grouchy the few times he was. I just sat back and watched him with his children. He had so much fun going down the water slides with the boys. I have no idea how many times they climbed up those stairs with their tube, but they were always shining so brightly. If you knew my husband you would know that he was definitely letting his hair down and just going with the flow. He didn't even want to go down the water tubes at first. It was sweet to witness his transformation into that little boy that resides in him. I am so relieved that I didn't step in the way and try to micro manage his fun as I have always done in the past. Being a control freak is hard work and I am happy that that part of me seems to have gone on an extended vacation.

I don't usually spend a lot of time rehashing past behavior these days. I really feel that the past is over and it needs to be put to rest. I look back every now and then just so I can see the progress that I have made over these last few months. My past used to loom over me like a dark cloud. It used to be a constant reminder of how sad of a life I felt I had. I stayed stuck in the past so that I would not have to look at my true self. I kept myself there because of fear. Being free of that control has truly opened my eyes and my heart to this wonderful life that I have.

This summer has been a good summer. Other than our little mini-vacation we just returned from, we haven't really done a whole lot of exciting things. Like so many others we are feeling the effects of the current economy. I have no regrets. I have had a ton of fun living in uninhibited silliness with the littles. It really feels like the first summer I have had with at least 5 of my 6 kids. I have relished this time and will be a little sad when school starts. I know that we will continue to be silly. That will not change, but I will have to compete with a schedule now. We will have to be up by a certain time and we'll have to have time to do homework. As I acknowledge this, I am once again amazed that I am at peace with it. I am not filling with resentment about having to change my schedule for the kids. I really was quite the selfish mama in the past. I say this with no negativity. I do not feel guilty about it, it is just a part of who I was.

As the end of our summer winds down I will continue to look for simple pleasures to share with my kids. My oldest child has not seen the side of me that the others have witnessed this summer. She is living a separate life right now and there is a definite distance there. We will connect again when she is done with whatever she feels she needs to do right now. I will be here for her when she comes back. I will let her learn whatever lessons she needs to learn, and if she choses to learn nothing then so be it. We will get to know each other again and there will be good times for us also. I look forward to that day.

Have you had good times this summer? Share with me. Give me some ideas of how I could close out this summer of good times.

Just my thoughts.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Sometimes taking the easy way is best

I have recently been doing a lot of decluttering. I used to THINK about doing a lot of decluttering, but never put those thoughts into actions. As of today I have boxed up 35 boxes for donation to various charities, and there are many more boxes to come. I know that some people hear that and think that I should have had a garage sale. I mean, just think of the money I could have made. I probably would have made a decent amount of money, and we certainly could use it. The truth is, I'm just not that willing to put the work into tagging, advertising, setting up and tearing down the sale. Even the 'make me an offer sale' that requires no tagging was something that I knew that I wouldn't do. Nope, I'll take the easy way and just box it up and leave it on the end of my driveway for someone to come and pick it up.

It is a wonderful feeling to know what I can not do and not feel guilty about it. I have been guilting myself about not having a garage sale for so long. I would get all geared up to do it, I would go downstairs with boxes, tags and markers in tow, take one look at the 'colossal mess' and retreat back up the stairs. At which point the beating up would commence.

My motivation to lighten our load has always been the same. To live in a clutter-free, peaceful, beautiful home. I wanted those homes on the cover of House Beautiful magazine. I wanted an all-white living room with fresh flowers on every table. I wanted a toy room with brightly painted shelves and matching bins where every toy had a home and the toys were always in the right bin. I wanted a bedroom that looked like no one ever sleeps in it. You get the picture. Basically I was living in a fantasy world. Let's be real. I had 6 kids. If there are people in this world with 6 kids and a home like I described, I do not want to be there. I can't imagine how nerve wracking it would be for me to keep up that kind of environment with kids around.

So I have joined the world of the realistic now, I still want a clutter-free, peaceful, beautiful home. It will just look a lot different from the beauty I described before. I do NOT want an all white living room, because it would be an all brown living room in no time. I do not want to give my children nervous breakdowns because mom is anal about keeping all the toys in the right bins. I want to sleep in my bedroom. I can't tell you exactly what my living room, toy room and bedroom will look like, but I can tell you that my house will end up looking exactly the way it is meant to look. The way that feeds my spirit and the spirits of all who reside here.

The same holds true for me . I will be exactly who I am meant to be. I will allow myself to take the easy way and just be me, instead of forcing myself to be a person that I could never be to begin with.

Today, I'm down with a bad back and a nasty headache. So today, I'm going to put Declutter Jill to bed, and Slacker Jill is going to come out and do nothing for a few hours.

Who are you allowing yourself to be today? Are you embracing that person? or feeling guilty about it?

Just my thoughts.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Back to school

Yes, that time of year is coming fast. On Sept. 1st my 4 youngest littles will be off to school. Little #6 will be in preschool for the first time. For littles 3,4 & 5 this will be their second year in school. They were homeschooled up until last Fall. I will never forget last September. That is when my life fell to pieces. I thought that sending the kids to school would be good for them, and it was, but for me it was very traumatic. I plunged into a self-imposed hell. I began to slowly climb my way out in January, but since I had immersed myself deep in the comfort of food, I had gained 70 lbs by the end of the school year.

From January till now, I have become a completely different person. I have awakened from a life of fear and self-hate to a life of love and acceptance. I no longer feel that I am nothing without my kids. I am a worthy and lovable soul. My spirit has been set free from captivity. You can read about that experience here.

As I look back on my motives of homeschooling I see that I used my kids as a crutch. I was so fearful of what I would do when they were out of the house, that I chose to keep them home. Captive in a way. I didn't think that I could do anything, but be a mother. I didn't even think that I could do that very well, but it was better than trying to find a job when I felt I had no skills. Just as fear led me to homeschool, fear also led me to put the kids in school. Fear that I was not a good enough teacher and that I was damaging my children.

I am a free spirited person now. I no longer feel that fear is waiting at my door ready to bust it open. I am not dreading the kids going back to school. I have had an incredible summer with them. Honestly this feels like the first summer with them. I am so present and joyful. We really haven't done anything super exciting, but we have been free spirits together. I will miss that once the school routine has begun, but I will be ok.

I have decided that I, too, will go back to school. I will be exploring the world of either Holistic Health or Holistic Ministries. Not sure which one yet. I'm not sure when I will begin, but it will be in the next couple of months. I'm not going to school to get a fabulous career. I am going to see what will help me to be the best me I can be. I'm going because the thought of going makes my spirit shine bright. I'm taking my journey in a new direction to see where I'll come out. I like the direction that my life is going and I love that I have no idea where I will end up. Where ever I land is exactly where I need to be. The miracle is that I am doing this with no fear. Nervous excitement, yes. Fear, no.

Is there something that your spirit is longing to try? Is fear standing in your way? Tell it to step aside. Go in a different direction and see where you come out.

Just my thoughts.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

About being free and acting free

So I have been struggling with something lately. Try as I might to avoid the issue and keep it to myself, the Universe has other things in mind for me. I have been making some changes in my life lately. One of those changes is getting rid of the physical clutter that has accumulated in my home over the past decade. Yes, I said decade. There are 5 bedrooms and 3 additional rooms that are full of 'stuff'. I would not classify myself as a hoarder, but give me another 10-15 years and my home would be one of those you see on tv.

Along this same line is the body clutter that I have accumulated...again. I know that the two are related. I know that I put on weight and gather 'things' because of 1 simple fact.

I am not happy, joyous and free.

Don't get me wrong. At this time in my life I feel happier, more joyful and free than I ever have. This is why I am able to see that I have changes to make. When I lived in fear and kept my spirit captive I could not make these changes. I could see them, but they were always out of my reach.

When I look at those three words, happy, joyous and free, I always focus on happy and joyous. I tend to sweep free under the carpet. This is where I come to what the Universe has been telling me lately.

I try to post blog entries every 3 days. I don't set that in stone, but it seems like that is the longest I can go before something feels like it needs to be said. I started feeling the need to write something after only a couple of days. I felt compelled to blog about being free. Completely free. How wonderful and joyful it feels to be free from the chains that I bound myself with. The problem was that I was not sure that I would make sense and that I would sound foolish. So I didn't post anything. I had the chains out again.

I started reading some of the blogs that I regularly read and it seemed like everyone was blogging about being free and happy. Then I started seeing butterflies everywhere and read a few things that mentioned butterflies. Butterflies have always been a symbol of freedom and happiness to me. I was starting to get the message, yet I still hesitated to sit down and just write.

Today I got a phone call from a very dear friend of mine. Our conversation was about freedom. About being free from things that we are compulsive about. What being free truly looks and feels like. When I got off the phone with her I thanked my Divine Spirit for her friendship and her call.

I was able to see that I need to focus on freedom. I have not been living a truly free life. I have been avoiding this fact. I have been pretending on some level that I was where I wanted to be as far as freedom goes. I'm not. I have been acting like doing whatever I wanted was being free. It's not.

I was hiding behind joyous and happy and it was actually keeping me from freedom. I was avoiding certain responsibilities, like cooking, cleaning and taking care of my health. Joyous and happy can only bring me to free if I am fully listening to my spirit. My spirit doesn't want to be buried in clutter and excess weight. My spirit doesn't want to feel guilty because I spent too much time on the computer and not enough time connecting to the Littles and Mr. Man. My spirit wants me to be free not act free.

I have heard the message that this Universe has delivered to me through other people. I can not be free if I am not fully and completely letting my Divine Light shine. If I am not free, I am not truly joyous or happy. I am so grateful for my dear friend and her wise words that she shared with me. I wish I could personally thank all of the bloggers that were compelled to blog on happiness and freedom these last few days. My blog roll is quite extensive, and I'm sure most of those people don't even read my blog, so I won't mention anyone, but I believe that you will know who you are.

I am not going to avoid freedom any longer. I am going to embrace all of me so that freedom can shine through me. I am going to reach out to others who struggle to be free and try to be a beacon of hope for them. If I can come out of the darkness that I lived in just 6 months ago, I hope that others can also.

Let's all be happy, joyous and free. Let's all be the Light beings that we are meant to be.

Just my thoughts.