Change.
Scariest word in the dictionary. That is probably a bit dramatic to proclaim, but today it is a fact for me. Today change is a shadowy figure standing in the background staring at me with wide open eyes and a menacing grin. Waiting for me to make my move. Ready to grab me and pull me down into a deep dark hole.
I’m told that change is good. That it can be healing and exhilarating and freeing. Today that feels like crap. Like that’s what people say who are trying to sell you some hokey transformational shit.
Sounds like something I would tell someone who was about to embark on a life-changing, exciting new something. And I would mean it and I would feel it in my soul and be so excited for them….
So why, when it comes to the changes that I see coming in to my very near future, do I freeze and panic and let fear wrap its arms around me?
Because I am super good at shining some light toward others, but when it comes to myself, I put up deflectors. I get out my blackout curtains and put them around myself and keep that light the hell out.
Because I’m human.
My human brain is hardwired to keep me safe and secure. It doesn’t give a care that change can mean the end of something that is meant to end. All it knows is that it is happiest when it is seeing and feeling familiar things. Even when familiar things are sucking the life out of the soul. The brain doesn’t care about the soul. The brain is kind of an asshole. Nothing personal, brain.
Being human for me has always meant doubting myself, belittling myself, undervaluing myself. Most definitely not allowing big changes to come in and take over. I have made changes in my life. I have had some substantial transformations in my body, mind and spirit in the last 8 months. I’ve gone through these changes several times in my adult lifetime. So I know that I can do change.
But there is more for me. More change that needs to happen. Big change. The reason that I know that these changes are going to be big is because I’m freaking out about it. Everyday my monkey mind is chattering away.
This is going to be so great!!
Oh, crap! I can’t do this!
I am finally going to live my life!
This isn’t going to work. I’ll just wait till the time is right.
Everything is lining up so perfectly.
This is going to be another fail.
Ack!!!
Deep breath….
That’s just a very small sample of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Crazy making, right?
Wrong… its chaotic, but its exactly what I need. I need to be in conversation with my brain and my soul. Yes, I’m admitting that I talk to myself. Hey! Some of my best, most uplifting conversations have been with my self.
Choosing change can’t happen if I don’t allow myself to feel all the feels around it. I have to feel the fear in order to make the leap into the change. When I shove the fear away, I stay stuck in false comfort. When I put blinders up, I can’t feel deep in my soul how exciting it will be to choose the change.
It is a choice. I can choose to stay safe or I can choose to become the person that my soul is asking me to become.
Change.
Scariest word in the dictionary.
I’m off to experience the joy of how change can light up my soul. And then crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head….
