Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Where am I going?

Where am I going?  That's a good question.  A question that I have no answer to, yet I'm already on my way.  I've got so many directions that I can go and one of these days I'll pick one.  Or two.... or three...  That's the beauty of living.  I get to pick and choose as many times as I want.  I used to believe that if you keep changing your direction that you're weak or lazy or untalented.  But here's what I know today.  Each time that I begin or end that next thing, I am moving in a direction.  I'm beginning.  Every time I have changed direction I was beginning again.

When I realized that being a Reiki practitioner was not what I wanted to do, I felt like a failure.  I was reminded of all the other 'jobs' I used to do that I walked away from.  Each time feeling like a failure all over again.  Why?  Why does walking away from something that doesn't feel fulfilling make me a failure?

Letting my Reiki practice go was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  It freed me to move from the place of being stuck that I was in.  I was stuck in so many areas of my life.  Stuck deep in the muck.  Couldn't go forward or backward.  As soon as I acknowledged that being an energy healer felt fake to me, I was able to see myself for what I truly was.  (It took me many months to finally acknowledge this, by the way.)

I'm not saying that Reiki felt fake.  I fully believe in the healing power of Reiki.  I'm saying that putting myself in the position of Reiki healer felt fake.  It just wasn't who I wanted to be.  There are people in this world who were meant to be amazing energy healers.  I am not one of those people.  I'm good with that.

So back to my original question.  Where am I going?  Right now I'm moving forward in a couple different areas.  One of those areas is my home.  I'm making this home, that I have lived in for 15 years, finally reflect who I am.  I'm letting go of all the clutter that I have been holding on to.  I wrote the post, Fear Cocoons, about my cluttering.  And this one about the monster in my basement.  In January I had a group of amazing friends come over and help me tackle most of the monster in my basement.  Two van loads of stuff were carted off to the thrift store.  One entire room was cleared out, which led me to organize the family room down there, which led a few of my Littles to let go of stuff they no longer wanted, which led to painting rooms and putting in new flooring..... and on and on.

I just needed to begin.  A very wise friend of mine (who happens to be one of the amazing women who came over that day) told me once that a good affirmation for me would be, "I am beginning at my beginning."  I have taken that affirmation and turned it into my mantra.  Anytime I change directions I am reminded that this change IS my beginning.

For now I am happy stringing together many days of beginnings.  Everyday is a beginning.  Keeping my momentum is easier when I remember this. Are you stuck somewhere?  Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help if you need to.  Sometimes all you need is a little momentum.