Friday, January 30, 2015

When Running Away Isn't An Option

I toyed with the idea of running away the other night.  It was late, I was tired and had just had another bedtime battle with the 9-year-old.  To be honest, I guess I didn't just toy with the idea.  I was pretty sure that I just needed to get the hell out.  I needed to remove myself from this place that I had ended up in.  I was sure that everyone in my life would be better off.  That I would no longer have to be "needed" by anyone else.  I would no longer be responsible for anyone else but myself.  I would no longer be reminded daily of all the mistakes I have made as a mother and wife, because I would no longer be either of those things. I could just get away from all of that.

After a good cry, I did come to my senses.  I realized that I did not want to run away from my kids and my husband. It would do no good because I was the one that I needed to get away from.  Leaving would be pointless because I would still be the one looking back at myself in the mirror every day.  I would still be living with myself day in and day out.   It's hard to admit that I dislike myself that much, but that's where I am.

Last night I told my Mr. Man about my idea of running away, because I think it is important to tell him about all the chaos and confusion that lives in my head.  He was lucky enough to be gone the night that I fell apart, so he had no clue about any of this. The poor man is very familiar with my chaos and confusion. I told him that I thought I needed couples counseling so that I could learn how to live with and communicate better with myself.  We snickered about that, but I think we would both admit that it was actually true.  We both know what happens when I start down this road of self-hate and loathing.  I may end up in therapy.  Or I will fight this inner struggle on my own.  I have done both before.  With the same results of freedom from the demons in my head.  Both ways can get ugly.  We will see which path I choose.

I don't want to paint the picture that all is lost for me.  I have just come to see some things about myself that I do not like.  I have realized that if I met myself in a social situation, I would not like that person.  I think its important for me to acknowledge that.  I can not change or become who I want to be if I am not brutally honest with who I am right now.  I have been dealing with the consequences of some of the choices I have made in my life.  So I have been making changes in my life and change has always been hard for me.  It makes things feel more chaotic and confusing.  I have had to admit that there are certain things I can not do at this point in my life.  Like drinking in social situations and eating sugar and binge watching shows on Netflix.  These are all crutches for me.  They help me escape.  I have to face who I am, free of distractions.  Get to know her.  Guide her to become the person she wants to be.  Talk about what goes on in her head. I have to get this relationship thing with myself figured out.  My Littles and Mr. Man don't want me to run away and that feels good to know.  I won't be leaving, but I will be moving forward.