Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a while has reappeared in my life. I have had a rocky relationship with this friend. We have never gotten along and I always ended up feeling like less of person when they were around. I have one memory of this friend coming to visit and leaving me curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably. Have you had a friend like that? Someone you spend a lot of time with, but usually end up wishing they would just go away.
I ended my relationship with this friend a number of years ago. I just decided that I had had enough and that I would be better off if we were apart. Surprisingly, my friend willing ended our relationship. I suppose there were plenty of other people that this friend could torture.
There have been a number of times in the past few years that this friend has attempted to re-enter my life. Never showing their face, but always standing in the background watching me. I was usually able to ignore their presence. There were rare moments when we would actually have contact and I would spend the next 24 hours feeling miserable.
So this friend has come into my life once again and this time they are not just standing in the background. This time we are spending a lot of time together. As a matter of fact, my friend is here with me as I write this post. Holding my hand. Helping me to say what I need to say. My friend has taught me that sometimes when you get knocked down its ok to just stay there. Its ok to wrap myself up in a blanket and stay there for a few days. I have learned from my friend that when Mr. Man asks me what he can do to make me feel better, that its ok to tell him that there is nothing he needs to do to make me feel better. That I just need to be down until its time to get up again. I have learned that when my friend knocks me down, it only makes it worse when I jump up kicking and screaming. The fighting only makes my friend hang on even tighter.
I have no idea how long my friend and I will be together this time. This friend used to stay for months at a time, giving me a few short weeks of a break, before returning. My guess is that this will be a short stay. We are helping each other through a hard time right now. My friend is supporting me through the events in my life which have become too big to cope with, and I am supporting my friend with the realization that I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid to spend time with this friend who used to terrify me.
I won't tell you my friends name. I'm pretty sure that a lot of you have spent time with this friend too. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you feel like I should just kick this friend to the curb and get up and get on with life. I will get up. I will be my bright and shiny self again. I will get back into life. But for today, I am wrapped up in a blanket of sadness. Every once in a while I will peek my head out to see how it feels out there. I know that I can fold the blanket up at any time and put it away, but right now it feels like I just need to stay down for a bit longer. I'll let you know when I'm ready to get up again.
Just my thoughts
Posted by Jill at 10:00 AM
Monday, October 26, 2009
This is a picture of our beautiful kitty, Angel. Angel came to us in October of 1999. We didn't go looking for a pet, she found us. Just showed up on my deck and never left. She was so little and helpless. Not-So-Little #1, who was 11 at the time, begged me to keep her. I knew that Mr. Man would never go for it. He grew up on a farm and cats belonged outside in the barn, not in the house. I knew he would never agree to keeping her, but I was falling in love with this angel kitty. He agreed that she could stay in the garage until we could locate her owner. Of course no owner turned up because this kitty came to us so that we could be her owner. Mr. Man was adamant about her staying in the garage, but it was October and it was getting cold outside. Not-So-Little #1 pleaded with Mr. Man to let Angel just stay in her bedroom at night, because no cat should suffer through MN winter evenings in a garage. Mr. Man once again, rather begrudgingly, agreed. Angel worked her magic and eventually made it into the house, and even though he would never admit to this, into the heart of Mr. Man. So we were adopted by this beautiful kitty.
Last evening I had to do something that I hope to never have to do again. I had to have my beautiful Angel Kitty euthanized. Unbeknownst to me, she developed Kidney Disease, and by the time I realized how ill she was it was too far along. My heart broke into a million little pieces last night. Today I sit here with so many thoughts running through my head that it is spinning. Why didn't I know she was that sick? How could I not see how much weight she had lost? Are my two oldest Littles blaming me? Am I blaming me? Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to prolong her life? Why don't I have more pictures of her? And on, and on, and on.
The Littles are all sad and confused. When I left with the kitty she was just going to the doctor, why is she gone now? They didn't even get to say goodbye. None of the Littles wanted to go to school today, so they are home with me. We all need each others company. I don't think I could make it through this day without my family. I am being blessed with a never ending supply of hugs. I don't know if they are searching for hugs for themselves or giving me the hugs because they think I need them. It really doesn't matter. I just need the closeness of my beloved Littles today. They are all sitting in the living room watching cartoons right now. I am glad that they are able to laugh a little. Their giggles are comforting to me. I am not ready to giggle yet, but I will be. The sun is shining here today, but my heart is surrounded by dark clouds. I just need to sit in my grief and cherish the memories that Angel left imprinted in my soul. And because it will warm her heart, I am going to bake cookies with Little #5. She turned 8 yesterday, and is sad that her kitty died on her birthday.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 11:18 AM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It's Wednesday and the one day a week that I designate to posting here. I have to say that it has been an awesome week. My level of joy has been off the charts. I love times like this. When everything seems energizing and fresh. There is no hint of the cold weather blahs that usually strike me when the days turn cloudy and rainy. My last post really brought me to a higher level of the freedom that my Spirit longs for.
I'm sitting here typing and re-typing my thoughts. I can't seem to find the words to explain what has happened to me since last Wednesday. It's not that I don't know what happened, it's more of a fear of sounding absolutely bonkers. Let me just say that my Spirit manifested itself to me in a way that I have never experienced before. As I lay in bed last Wednesday I was surrounded by a swirling mist of energy and brief flashes of light. I know, it sounds crazy. You know how I know that its not crazy, because I was also filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity. Crazy doesn't feel peaceful and serene. I've felt crazy before. Crazy feels scary and heavy. This isn't being crazy, it's being free.
Was I sleeping? I have no idea. I don't think so, but I guess it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that I received a message that night. Not just any message. This was a Divine message to me from me. I saw all the happiness and joy that lives in my heart. It wanted to play. It wants me to play. It wants me to let down all those barriers that seem to creep back up every time I knock them down.
Every time I post an entry here, I am energized and renewed. I am filled with hope and happiness. Even when I have dealt with painful, painful life experiences I always feel hopeful after I blog about it. I received a comment on my last post from a fellow blogger that stressed the importance of having people or things to keep us grounded. I had never thought of that before. My blog definitely keeps me grounded. It is my chance to let my Spirit talk. Besides that eye-opening comment, I also had my little blog mentioned by two other bloggers that I admire greatly. Humility once again reached out and touched me this week. I have been greatly inspired by other bloggers. If I can inspire someone with my thoughts like that, well, then I know that I'm doing something good here.
Thank you all for visiting here. Please feel free to leave a comment and introduce yourself to me if you haven't already. I appreciate this whole blogging community that exists. I am so lucky to have found my voice here.
Just my thoughts.
Oh, one more thing. My joy and playfulness has rubbed off on Mr. Man this week also. He has joined me in a more carefree lifestyle. He is being uncharacteristically playful. He is also telling me what his needs are. Also uncharacteristic behavior for him. I think he feels safe now. He knows that his wants and needs are just as important as mine and the kids. He is stepping out of his comfort zone and liking it. He told me today that he may not be completely free today, but that he will be. How awesome is that?
Are you free today? If not, will you be?
Posted by Jill at 9:26 AM
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tonight the Littles and I are going to have a movie watching marathon. They don't have school for four days and so we are staying up late and just having fun. As I sit here watching them watching some Disney Channel show I am amazed at the smiles on their faces. They are not just mindlessly staring at the tv, like I am warned that they will be if they watch too much tv. They are fully engaged in this particular movie. So I am attempting to watch tv like a child. I am attempting to do things like a child for the next four days. I have a tendency to get too serious and I think I come off gruff to my kids at times.
So I'll be putting myself out there to them and letting my hair down. This is actually going to be hard for me to do. I talk a lot about living joyfully, but it seems like lately I have been thinking joyfully, but not really living that way. In my mind, I'm having a blast. In real life, not so much. I still wonder what other parents will think of me. I wonder what my kids teachers think of me. I wonder what my own friends and family think of me. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.
I'm cheating myself. I'm keeping myself on a short leash. Not letting go completely. Even as I type this, I hear myself saying things like, "But you can't be joyful ALL the time." "You have to show the kids how a responsible adult behaves." "You don't want to embarrass Mr. Man by acting child-like."
Here's my free-spirited answers to these thoughts. Who says I can't be joyful ALL the time? If being a responsible adult means I can't live joyfully, then I guess I don't want to be a responsible adult, nor do I want to teach my children how to be one. I may embarrass Mr. Man sometime, but he'll survive and maybe even decide that a joyful life is worth the embarrassment.
All I know for sure is that lately I have been acting a lot like the kind of people that I tend to complain about. The parent who pushes their child to fit in. The busy body gossip that likes to hear what everyone else is up to. Passing judgement on those who judge others. All of this was brought to my attention a couple of days ago. I don't even know how I came to see this ugly truth about me. I guess it was just Divinely revealed to me. With the revelation came a big dose of humility. If you ever have the opportunity to get your hands on a dose of humility I highly recommend taking it. It was just what I needed.
I needed to see all of these truths about myself. I want to let go of the truths that don't serve me. Humility used to feel like humiliation. I used to feel that being humbled was a sign of weakness. I see now that humility is actually a blessing. Its a gift from the Divine to get me ever closer to being the free-spirited woman that I know that I am meant to be.
So I am looking forward to spending the next 4 days learning how to be the free-spirited person that I want to be from some people who already are. My Littles.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 6:59 PM
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I'm feeling a whole bunch of gratitude today. So all this post is going to be is me being grateful. As a matter of fact, I'm going to just make a list. If you don't care to know what I am grateful for, I have one request. Don't just leave, but take a look at the blogs in my list of 'Other people's thoughts I like to read'. The list is getting pretty extensive, but these are all people that I am grateful for. These are all people who are putting themselves out there into the blogosphere and I have benefited in some way from each and everyone of them. So please take a look at one or two and if you leave a comment, tell them I sent you because they all need to know how important their blogs are.
Back to my list. In no particular order, here's where my gratitude sits today.
All the Littles and the Not-So-Littles
My 2 brothers and 2 sisters
all of the Sacred Texts and the guidance they have provided for so many
learning how to let go
My in-laws (sorry Mr. Man, but this isn't always the case)
That Mr. Man's business has not been affected by this economy
My awesome set of outrageously expensive knives (everyone needs to have a set of outrageously expensive knives, right?)
My kitty, Angel
My comfy chair that I am curled up on right now
the shining sun
the colorful fall leaves that always seem to be singing to me in the wind
cool Fall nights
the rain (just not everyday)
music of all types
dancing of all types
all the blogs I follow
My fabulous friends
clothes on my back
food on my table
toys for the Littles to play with (when I'm not tripping over them)
the love that is ever present in my home
that all the Littles feel safe and loved
that I am not letting resentment and fear separate me from Not-so-little #1
that I am learning what my boundaries are and honoring them
that I am happy being overweight, but willing to make some healthy changes
my beautiful, shiny spirit
your beautiful, shiny spirits
for finding my voice and letting it be heard
for being a Shiny Wanderer on this journey to being a free-spirited woman
that the Twins are playing the Yankees in the playoffs. Go Twins!!!
Wii's and Playstations
that Little #6 is independent and strong-willed
all the art work that Little #5 makes for me and her incredible sunshiny smiles
that Little #4 is so caring and doesn't give up easily
that Little #3 just doesn't care what others think
that Not-so-little #2 is turning into a responsible young man
that Not-so-little #1 is not in jail (sorry, that is what I am truly grateful for)
my quiet time in the morning
So there's the short list. I could have kept going. There was a time when I had a hard time coming up with 3 daily gratitudes. I didn't know how to be grateful. I'm pretty sure that I didn't act grateful either and if I did it was not authentic.
Today my gratitude seems to be carrying me through some frustrations. I'm letting my Spirit remind me that I have so much to be grateful for and that it's time to stop feeling cheated. Now that I have allowed gratitude into my soul I am sure of these three things.
All that was, is over.
All that can be, will.
All that is, is good.
Do you have a gratitude list? What would be at the top?
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 5:59 PM