Monday, March 30, 2009

I'm not a very good listener

What is it about following the heart that scares so many people? Why do we have to care about what others will think? Why do others need to think anything anyway?

Do you know why I don't follow my heart? Fear and being uncertain about what my heart is saying. Listening is hard for me. I'm great at pretending that I'm listening, but if truth be told I very rarely "hear" what I'm listening to. That is sad. And it's incredibly rude. I wonder if people can tell that I'm not really listening to them. I know my kids can tell. They call me on it quite a bit. "Mom, are you listening to me?" and "You're not paying attention!!" are two things I hear more than I should.

So what should I do first? Listen to others so that I can begin to hear what my heart is saying, or listen to my heart so that I can begin to hear others? The answer I am receiving is that I need to listen to my heart before I can hear others. That makes sense. How can I give others something that I don't give myself? Pretending doesn't work. I am good at it, but it serves me no purpose.

"Act as if", is a big 12 step slogan. I hated acting as if. It didn't help me become that which I acted to be. It made me a liar. It made me a fake. My words never matched my heart. I believe that that false identity led me back into my addiction. I should have been told that the reason I was an addict was because I didn't trust myself and that all I had to do was truly embrace and love myself as I was. I should have been shown how to do that. I should have been shown how to listen.

I really don't want to focus on what happened back then. I just want to say that today I can only follow my heart if I listen to what is inside of me. I have a Divine Voice in me. We all do. That voice just needs to be heard. The heart only speaks the truth. There is no need to "act as if".

It is incredibly difficult to listen when my chaotic life is happening. All the noise and all the people that I feel I need to be responsible and present for can be a distraction. Learning how to be present and in the Now is a full time job right now. I may never receive any monetary compensation for this job, but what I will receive emotionally and spiritually are compensation enough.

So for today, I am going to follow my heart. I'm going to truly listen and hear and trust. Trust that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what I do with my days. It only matters that I follow the Divine Guidance that I receive every single day.

The world would be a beautiful place if we all could do this.

Just my thoughts.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm just rambling today

I haven't posted here in some time. I have no excuses. I haven't been incredibly busy or sick. I have actually been unable to post because I didn't think that I had anything interesting to post. It's kind of sad to think that your life is uninteresting. My life could be interesting to me. I just wanted it to be interesting to other people. My life will probably never be interesting to others, so if I'm waiting for that I may as well delete my blog.

Today I post because my life can be interesting to me. I post for myself. I post so that I can get these ramblings out of my head. Keeping them in my head keeps me stuck in an uninteresting life. My mind if full of very interesting things. Today I don't know where to start. I don't know where to start in many things in my life. I don't know where to start my blog. I don't know where to start in getting myself out from under all the clutter I have accumulated in the last 12 years. I don't know where to start in my desire to get healthy again. I don't know how to start letting my kids live with the choices they make and not take on the burden myself. I don't know where to start in my journey to wake myself up from this dream called "Jill's Uninteresting Life".

I have my work cut out for me. The advice that I am always given is that it doesn't matter where you start, just that you start somewhere. So I guess I have started with this blog entry. I have a voice that needs to be heard. When I am able to get that voice to speak, life is good. When I stifle that voice, life is not so good. Right now life is bordering on the not so good side. That's not ok with me. Not so good, used to be ok with me. Today I am much more interested in life is good.

So what would life is good look like today? I would always know where to start. It's that simple. So here's a check list of what needs to happen:

1. Writing my blog.
2. Going through boxes of stuff.
3. Start walking again.
4. Letting my kids fall down and get up on their own.
5. Living a fully awakened life.

That's just 5 little things that could make my life more interesting. Does seeing this list make things look easier? Not to me. I still tell myself that it's impossible. There's only one thing keeping me from getting this list underway. Me. I know that I am my own worst enemy. Is knowing this supposed to help? Doesn't seem to help me. I have a knack for making things look hopeless, don't I?

I don't feel hopeless. I know that I will get to everything on my list. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I know that I am waking up a little more each day. My voice is coming out more and more. There will come a time when I hear myself and others hear me too. That's something to look forward to. That is something to help motivate me to just start somewhere.

I'll let you know if it works.

Just my thoughts.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Have you ever had the feeling that something big was about to happen? That's where I am today. Sitting here with all of this exciting energy radiating throughout my soul. It's not nervous dread. It's more like the anticipation of waking up on Christmas morning that a small child might have. Just pure joyful anticipation. I don't have any idea what is going to happen, but I'm sure it will happen within the next few weeks.

These last few days have lead up to this excitement. I'm not sure that I am prepared at this time to put to words what has happened to me, but I do want to say that it has been about revelations and complete surrender. I have learned more about myself in these last few days then I ever learned in all the 12 step meetings and therapy sessions I've attendedin the last 3 years. I can think of one thing that has brought me to this great revelation. That is trust. Pure trust and faith in who I am and in who I can be tomorrow. (I guess that's 2 things) Trust and faith in the Light within my heart that shines brightly so that I can just "be".

I have woken up from the dream I was living. Sometimes this dream was beautiful and other times is was a nightmare. I am finally awake. In the "now" as they say. I was asleep for a very long time. I was so deep in slumber that I have very few memories from my past. I have been getting bits and pieces here and there from old classmates and family. These snippets of my past are very valuable to me. I want to know all about myself and my childhood. I know that there were some awful times, but I am finding out about the beautiful ones too.

Now its all beautiful. Even the pain and frustration that I experience are beautiful. I experienced frustration today and I smiled and said thank you. I thanked the Universe for sending me screaming children and irritated older siblings who don't like screaming children. Did I feel better? The frustration remained, but the power attached to it was gone. So, yes I can say that I did feel better.

I hope that I can get to sleep tonight. I am just a bundle of energy that doesn't want to quit. I think that a lot of people are going through what I am going through and that many, many more will follow. Maybe that's what I'm anticipating. That people in my life are going to be waking up from their dream and being thankful for the good and the not so good.

Just my thoughts.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

I get to choose

I have learned a lot about following your heart lately. I know that it sounds hokey. I've heard for years, through many different types of media, that we just need to follow our hearts. It never resonated with me because I did not think I knew what my heart wanted me to do. I didn't trust myself.

Most of my life I followed other people's hearts. I looked to others to define who I was and what I believed. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think that I knew what was right for me. I lived like this till January of 2009. That's when I broke free. I realized that the life I had been living was a lie. I wasn't following my heart. I finally believed that I got to choose who I was. It was like I was filled with a warm light.

I was excited about the possibilities. I chose to no longer be an addict of any kind. That's right. I chose to be free from addiction. I had to stop going to OA because it felt like a lie. Today I eat foods that were forbidden. I have had a glass of wine and a beer and didn't fall into the depths of hell that 12 steps groups promise will happen when you 'slip'. I didn't fall because its just food and drink. Nothing more. It holds no power over me. I am 50 lbs overweight. I am beautiful. Will I lose the weight again? Maybe, maybe not. The miracle is that I am not entombed by the number on a scale. I am free to eat as I choose. Most days I choose to eat in a healthy manner. Days like today I choose to overindulge some. Doesn't matter. It is just food.

It's been a couple of months now. I am going through some pretty intense changes. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. Some of these changes are pretty painful. I know that I am not alone. The world is changing along with me. So many others on this planet are making this same transformation. We are all evolving. Part of that evolution is following my heart. My heart knows the truth. My heart is where the Light is. When I don't follow my heart, fear takes over. A very wise and beautiful person in my life said it best. Love=Light, Fear=Dark.

I choose Light.

Just my thoughts


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A sad goodbye

It appears that one of our neighbors is having most of their trees removed today. So now I have to sit and listen to chain saws all day. Worse yet, I feel loss. Those trees have been there for the 12 years we have lived here. I have to say goodbye to the trees that I used to enjoy looking at. I am filled with sadness for the trees and for the birds and squirrels that lived there.

Ava explains it simply. She looked out the window and said "oh dear". As the large evergreen tree top came down a squirrel ran down the trunk. It darted from tree to tree as if it were confused and frightened. Not knowing where to go or what to do. My heart was filled with sadness. I felt that tiny forest animals fear and confusion.

I've felt those emotions many times before. There have been times in my life where I have been fearful and confused for no reason. I would become frustrated because I would have absolutely no reason to feel those things, yet there they were. Very real. I am beginning to understand that I was feeling another living creatures feelings. Of course there are times when what I am feeling is mine. Everyone experiences loss and pain, but for those times like today, I know that it is just heightened empathy.

I find myself wanting to explore this empathic ability. Is it an ability? I guess I don't know what to call it. Maybe it wouldn't affect me negatively if I understood it better?

The next time I'm out and about and suddenly feel nervous and/or sad I think I'll look around and see if I can find the cause. Maybe the young mother with the crying infant next to me in line needs a warm smile. Maybe one of my own children is silently suffering and needs a hug of light. Maybe the man in the car next to mine lost his job, can't find another one and is about to lose his house.

I will not be able to ease the pain of all those around me, but just being able to take the focus off of me and put it on to those around me is good enough. It will help me to see that helping others is going to benefit both of us. I don't need to feel sorry for myself. I don't need to feel sorry for others. I just need to do what I can to put a little light in the people and other living things that I am surrounded by.

Right now Ava is screaming (literally) for my attention. It's not always going to be so obvious. Or is it?

Just my thoughts.


Monday, March 2, 2009

One year later...

Here we are 1 year later. Again, I celebrate the birth of my amazing 17 year old. Although it has only been 1 year it truly feels like a lifetime has passed. I have changed. Zach has changed. The world has changed.

There is one word that comes to my mind when I think of Zach. Awesome. I am not one to use the word awesome, but today it just keeps filling my head. Zach is awesome. He is a gifted, talented young adult. Full of love and kindness for his family and friends.

I watched him playing chess with Noah the other day and was amazed. A year ago that would not have happened. Today Noah keeps asking Zach when they can go to the MOA together. A year ago Noah would have been too afraid to go anywhere with Zach. I see Ava run downstairs to watch him play his XBox and I am amazed. Awesome.

I hear him playing his guitar. Creating music from his soul which makes him glow. Filling his dark little room with light. He may not know that the light is there, but it is. I walked in one day to ask him a question and all he said was "I am working." Not in a snotty teenage boy tone, but in a "I want to answer you, but I simply can't stop what I'm doing right now" tone. Awesome.

He is not a snotty teenage boy. Hell, he isn't even a teenage boy. He is a wise soul trapped in a teenage boys body. He knows this. He is learning to accept it. He knows he's beyond, beyond his years and this used to make him miserable and crazy. Now he knows that everything is falling into place and he is on his way. Awesome.

So, one year later, I feel gratitude. Gratitude for having such an awesome child in my life. Who has taught me a lot about change. Change is good. Change can bring you into the light. I bask in the light today. And on those days that I can not feel that inner light, I know to find some sunshine and just sit there till I feel the warm hug. It is my hope that Zach always knows where the light is. It is my hope that Zach is able to touch many more people so that they can feel the light also. Awesome.

Just my thoughts.