Monday, August 24, 2009

A sorrowful and joyful day for me

I'm sitting here in the early morning hours trying frantically to get this post done before the Littles start to rise. As I sit here with soft music playing in the background and the windows open, so I can hear all the birds, I am filled with such peace and serenity. I really do feel like my heart is ready to burst and that my spirit is ready to break out in song along with the birds. I can not begin to describe to you in words how different my home feels. A little over a week ago the energy here weighed me down. Today it feels as if it is lifting me up. I literally felt as if I were being lifted out of bed this morning, instead of me dragging myself to get up. It looks lighter and feels lighter here. Ok, so I guess I could begin to describe how different my home feels.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Mr. Man and I were going through more in the bedroom and when he was vacuuming, the magnitude of what I had created in my home hit me. I didn't feel shameful or bad about myself, but I did feel sorry for the person that I used to be. How sad she was. How angry she was. She kept herself all locked up inside and that filled me with sorrow. I also felt this intense sense of empathy for others in the world who live entombed by clutter. I wanted to shout out to all of them that it doesn't have to be that way. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just then, Little #6 came in our room and started dancing around the bed. Running all over the open space that is there now. I was filled with the joyfulness in her heart. I saw how happy she was to be able to just spin around in open space. So in a 5 minute time I had experienced tears of deep sorrow and tears of immense joy. I don't recall ever experiencing those kinds of emotions at the same time. It was very powerful and it changed me.

So I allowed myself to cry the remainder of the day. I knew that I needed to release the emotional clutter that had built up in my soul. I didn't spend the whole day crying, but if I felt tears welling, I simply let them fall. My room is nearly completed. I am considering posting before and after pics, but I will have to contemplate that for awhile. A small part of me is still too embarrassed to show others how I have lived. Another small part of me wants to show others what a beautiful transformation it is.

I'm off to start my day now. I have my to-do list and I have the inner strength to keep trudging forward. My mountain now feels more like some foot hills. Soon I will have a break from climbing all together. Until I pick my next dream.

Thank you all for all of the support I have received here. You have helped lighten my load and brighten my heart.

Just my thoughts.


Zeenat said...

Hi Jill,
A beautiful post as always. So much de-cluttering can certainly work wonders...and that's exactly what happened with you isn't it.
I have this habit...whenever i am upset...i clean. And i clean and i clean. But the thing is i rarely get you see the downside:)
And after i clean, i feel so good..i keep telling myself..i should do more of this, more often.
Its important that you have been able to acknowledge your problems and work on them....Your transformation is commendable. Youre an inspiration to all of us. Keep up your spirit...and life will magically bring immense happiness.
I want to see before and after pictures :) I want to say hoorrayyy..and give you a big hug for your achievement....
Lots of love.

Jan said...

Jill, you are a remarkable, resilient and open-hearted woman. I am so proud to have come to know you through the blog world. You are a powerful example to so many!

I especially love how you are deeply aware that your process is not just about de-cluttering your house, but freeing your spirit.

Might I make a suggestion? Do not feel you need to post the before pictures if it will bring up more shame or embarrassment. There is no need to go backwards. Your words have been sufficient for me (and many of us, I presume) to sense how cluttered/imprisoning everything had become. Believe me, I have seen plenty of pictures of people's clutter and disarray. I think it is important for you to go forward. Perhaps the picture taking was just for you so you could see your life through a new lens? With new eyes?

Plus, I will tell you too, people are not always kind, nor are they non-judgmental. Posting pictures of before and after does not always result in favorable responses from "gawkers." You are in a very vulnerable place right now and there is nothing wrong with treating yourself very tenderly, just as you would your own child.

Those are my thoughts from my heart. As a blog friend, I support any choice you make but I do suggest you don't rush into anything...


Jodi at Joy Discovered said...

Hi Jill,
Beautiful post, absolutely beautiful. I love how you describe the sorrow you were feeling and the joy you witnessed in the same moment. I love it that you allowed yourself to be sad and to mourn your old self. That, too, is a necessary part of the journey. And today, for you to feel so uplifted and joyful--what a reward! How powerful! You have such strength! Blessings to you!

Jay Schryer said...

This is really beautiful, and powerful. I'm so happy for you! Freedom is the most important thing in the world to me, and I believe that you've given yourself a large dose of it! Congratulations!

shiny mamaof6 said...

Zeenat - You are so right about life bringing happiness if I keep my spirit up. I can most definitely say that I am the happiest I have ever been and I know that there is even more happiness around the bend.

Jan - Thank you so much for the wisdom you shared here. To be honest, as soon as I said that I might post before and after pics, I received a very clear message that I should think long and hard about that. It was as if my spirit was also trying to tell me to be careful. I do think that there would be some level of shame and so for now I am not considering it.

I am going to keep the pics. I feel as if there may be a group of people who may need to see those pictures some day.

Jodi - Thank you for coming here and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate the support. It truly makes me believe that this dream is coming true and I am happy to share it with others.

Jay - I do believe that I have received a large dose of freedom. It is my hope that you are experiencing this freedom also. Thank you for the mentions that you have been so generous about doing.

septembermom said...

All I can say is that your spirit is beautiful. Keep going in this journey. Hugs.

Sharmila said...

Jill, this is a lovely post that is very powerful! I can't put into words how it somehow parallels some of what I'm experiencing lately as well. Letting go, grieving and growing into new mature spaces that offer peace and harmony! May you continue to take one loving step at a time and be blessed! Namaste ~Sharmila

Mon said...

That's amazing and wonderful. Only ever post what is comfortable for you. But do rememebr that in your vulnerability someone out thre is likely helped and inspired.

Don't look back, keep moving forward. What a gift you've given your family, and yourself. woohoo! enjoy!

shiny mamaof6 said...

Septembermom - Thank you for your kind words. They make the journey easier.

Sharmilla - Your blessing leads me on this path and just know that I support you on yours as well.

Mon - Thank you for your thoughts. I really do feel like I am no longer looking back. It is giving me yet another level of freedom to help my spirit shine.

mermaid said...

Jill, I felt a kinship to you when you wrote about feeling sorrow and joy at the same time. I've often felt sad for the person I was and happy for the person I am becoming. Through it all, I realize there is some basic aspect of my true nature that was always there. Perhaps it just got stuck underneath things along the way.

Happy Excavation!

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Oh my gosh, reading this made me so happy and my heart swelled with love for you, and for all that you're doing. I hope you'll understand when I say that there's never anything to be embarrassed about - especially in "this" crowd. All of us have walked both sides of the fence, perhaps recoiling at the people we were, and only wanting to be known for the people we now are. I've done so many things in my life that I look back on and think, "Oh my God, Megan... where was your brain, heart, or any other rational-sensing organ that day?" (Or that year, or decade... sigh)
A good friend often reminds me, though, that all of who we were and all of who we are is authentically us. I couldn't be the me I am today without the me I was then.
Same goes for you. And I think you're pretty phenomenal!

Caroline said...

This is normal!! When I was cleaning out my Mom's bathroom she had to leave. Tears were falling from her eyes. There were over 50 different perfumes (some going back to the 80' more like vinegar). There was no counter space and everything was piled up. She had multiples of everything...because if could not find it in the rubble, she just bought a new one. But we got through it (and I even scored some sweet mascara and eye

More than anything, she was grieving this part of herself that she was loosing. There was security in all this "stuff." It was hard for her to let go, because she liked the comfort of being surrounded by things. It can be such a heart wrenching process to de-clutter. I don't think a lot of people really understand this. I did not. But when talking with my Mom I began to understand why she did this. It was not laziness like some people think. She did not enjoy living in all the clutter, yet it brought her peace.

Be easy on yourself. You are letting go....but you are making room for so much "more."

My Mom has been about 2 years "clutter free" and she told me that she feels like a butterfly now. The clutter was her cocoon of sorts. She hid in her clutter. She was afraid to leave. When she looks back, she can't understand what she was so afraid of...

Carol............. said...

Sharing your heart is a gift. Thanks for your wonderful post.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Mermaid - I agree with what you say about our true nature being with us all along. I know that mine was stuck. Trapped is more like it for me. So happy that we were able to free that person we were meant to be.

Megan - Thank you for being on this journey with me. I agree with your friend and I think you're phenominal also.

Caroline - I really value all that you have shared about the experience your mother has had with this. My heart goes out to her and I am hopeful that I will be able to remain clutter-free like her. I too feel like I am a butterfly that is just beginning to emerge from my cocoon. She is blessed to have children who helped her in her time of need.

Carol - Thank you for posting here today. I am glad to share this gift with you.

Jan said...

Good for you, Jill! I am so glad you listened to the voice of your heart that said no pics for now. Whew! I can breathe easy. Seriously, I couldn't help but keeping thinking about this....xo

Christine said...

Congrats on your progress! That is wonderful. Also, I think once you realize that you are no longer the same person who allowed all that clutter to build, you'll have no problem sharing the pics. The past has nothing to do with the person you are today! *hugs*