tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56868532800482308132024-03-13T07:53:52.412-05:00Choosing To BeginPondering what its like to be me and learning how to begin at my beginning.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.comBlogger155125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-83302893458137328782019-09-03T13:44:00.000-05:002019-09-03T13:48:20.001-05:00The End.......<br />
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Time has come to say goodbye. To be done with all the things that just don't feel like they are mine to do. This blog is one of them.<br />
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Will anyone even see this post? I have no idea, but closure is essential in saying goodbye. So here I am getting my closure. Saying farewell, to something that has both been a blessing and a curse in my life.<br />
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Having a space to share and to work through some heavy shit has been the blessing. Hiding myself and holding back my story has been the curse.<br />
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I'm not saying goodbye to sharing my experiences in this messy thing called "My Life". I'm really just getting started, but it will be somewhere else.<br />
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Where that will be is not yet clear, but its coming....<br />
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-24223538628369437042018-11-02T13:01:00.000-05:002018-11-02T13:01:36.221-05:00Choosing means Changing<div data-pm-slice="1 1 []" style="white-space: pre-wrap;">
Change.</div>
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Scariest word in the dictionary. That is probably a bit dramatic to proclaim, but today it is a fact for me. Today change is a shadowy figure standing in the background staring at me with wide open eyes and a menacing grin. Waiting for me to make my move. Ready to grab me and pull me down into a deep dark hole.</div>
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I’m told that change is good. That it can be healing and exhilarating and freeing. Today that feels like crap. Like that’s what people say who are trying to sell you some hokey transformational shit. </div>
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Sounds like something I would tell someone who was about to embark on a life-changing, exciting new something. And I would mean it and I would feel it in my soul and be so excited for them….</div>
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So why, when it comes to the changes that I see coming in to my very near future, do I freeze and panic and let fear wrap its arms around me?</div>
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Because I am super good at shining some light toward others, but when it comes to myself, I put up deflectors. I get out my blackout curtains and put them around myself and keep that light the hell out.</div>
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Because I’m human. </div>
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My human brain is hardwired to keep me safe and secure. It doesn’t give a care that change can mean the end of something that is meant to end. All it knows is that it is happiest when it is seeing and feeling familiar things. Even when familiar things are sucking the life out of the soul. The brain doesn’t care about the soul. The brain is kind of an asshole. Nothing personal, brain.</div>
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Being human for me has always meant doubting myself, belittling myself, undervaluing myself. Most definitely not allowing big changes to come in and take over. I have made changes in my life. I have had some substantial transformations in my body, mind and spirit in the last 8 months. I’ve gone through these changes several times in my adult lifetime. So I know that I can do change. </div>
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But there is more for me. More change that needs to happen. Big change. The reason that I know that these changes are going to be big is because I’m freaking out about it. Everyday my monkey mind is chattering away.</div>
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<em>This is going to be so great!!</em></div>
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<em>Oh, crap! I can’t do this!</em></div>
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<em>I am finally going to live my life!</em></div>
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<em>This isn’t going to work. I’ll just wait till the time is right.</em></div>
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<em>Everything is lining up so perfectly. </em></div>
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<em>This is going to be another fail.</em></div>
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<strong>Ack!!!</strong></div>
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<strong>Deep breath….</strong></div>
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That’s just a very small sample of what goes on in my head on a daily basis. Crazy making, right?</div>
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Wrong… its chaotic, but its exactly what I need. I need to be in conversation with my brain and my soul. Yes, I’m admitting that I talk to myself. Hey! Some of my best, most uplifting conversations have been with my self.</div>
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Choosing change can’t happen if I don’t allow myself to feel all the feels around it. I have to feel the fear in order to make the leap into the change. When I shove the fear away, I stay stuck in false comfort. When I put blinders up, I can’t feel deep in my soul how exciting it will be to choose the change.</div>
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It is a choice. I can choose to stay safe or I can choose to become the person that my soul is asking me to become.</div>
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Change.</div>
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Scariest word in the dictionary.</div>
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I’m off to experience the joy of how change can light up my soul. And then crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head….</div>
Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-89169874967563909792015-02-02T16:17:00.000-06:002015-02-02T16:17:24.036-06:00It's Ok<span style="font-size: large;">It's ok......</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">to tell the world what sucks.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to be unhappy with where your life is.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to not love that person you see in the mirror.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to want to be left alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to wonder if you have the capacity to love anyone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to want to change.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to question the existence of anything Divine.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to curse.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel alone.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel intense feelings of hopelessness.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to forget.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to dread intimacy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to be crippled with perfectionism.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to tell your loved ones that you're struggling.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to be annoyed by the world around you.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel sick and tired.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to focus solely on yourself.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's ok...</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">to tell the world what rocks.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to be content with your life.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to fully love that person you see in the mirror.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to want to be surrounded by others.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to love and adore the people in your life.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to want everything to stay just the way it is.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to embrace your faith with all your heart.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to pray.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel loved.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel intense feelings of hope.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to remember.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to be intimate.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to make mistakes.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to tell your loved ones that you've got this.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to embrace the world around you as perfectly imperfect.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to feel healthy and full of energy.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">to focus solely on those around you.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's all ok. The good and the bad. The dark and the light. Happy and sad. Life can be wonderful and it can be absolutely messy and chaotic. It's all ok. I believe the important thing is, to let the people around you feel their feelings. Let them share their challenges as well as their triumphs. Let them share the excitement of their lives and the deep heart-wrenching pain that comes along, too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It is so easy to acknowledge when the people around us are happy and sharing their successes. It's also easy to feel uncomfortable when someone is sharing sadness or struggle. I am in the process of sharing my experience with an intense journey of self-discovery and personal change. There will be good times and not so good times. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I am ok, but I will not censor myself. So if you are uncomfortable or concerned by me sharing this journey, know that I appreciate your care. I truly do. I'm not trying to make anyone feel uncomfortable by sharing this thing called life that I'm up against. And you don't have to read any of it. It's ok. I am ok. I am focusing on all aspects of myself right now because my happiness depends on it. I can do that. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">It's ok. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm ok. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Thanks for being a part of my journey.</span><br />
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-88910470038593744082015-01-30T10:17:00.000-06:002015-01-30T10:17:19.904-06:00When Running Away Isn't An Option<span style="font-size: large;">I toyed with the idea of running away the other night. It was late, I was tired and had just had another bedtime battle with the 9-year-old. To be honest, I guess I didn't just toy with the idea. I was pretty sure that I just needed to get the hell out. I needed to remove myself from this place that I had ended up in. I was sure that everyone in my life would be better off. That I would no longer have to be "needed" by anyone else. I would no longer be responsible for anyone else but myself. I would no longer be reminded daily of all the mistakes I have made as a mother and wife, because I would no longer be either of those things. I could just get away from all of that.</span><span id="goog_1257208279"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">After a good cry, I did come to my senses. I realized that I did not want to run away from my kids and my husband. It would do no good because I was the one that I needed to get away from. Leaving would be pointless because I would still be the one looking back at myself in the mirror every day. I would still be living with myself day in and day out. It's hard to admit that I dislike myself that much, but that's where I am.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Last night I told my Mr. Man about my idea of running away, because I think it is important to tell him about all the chaos and confusion that lives in my head. He was lucky enough to be gone the night that I fell apart, so he had no clue about any of this. The poor man is very familiar with my chaos and confusion. I told him that I thought I needed couples counseling so that I could learn how to live with and communicate better with myself. We snickered about that, but I think we would both admit that it was actually true. We both know what happens when I start down this road of self-hate and loathing. I may end up in therapy. Or I will fight this inner struggle on my own. I have done both before. With the same results of freedom from the demons in my head. Both ways can get ugly. We will see which path I choose.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I don't want to paint the picture that all is lost for me. I have just come to see some things about myself that I do not like. I have realized that if I met myself in a social situation, I would not like that person. I think its important for me to acknowledge that. I can not change or become who I want to be if I am not brutally honest with who I am right now. I have been dealing with the consequences of some of the choices I have made in my life. So I have been making changes in my life and change has always been hard for me. It makes things feel more chaotic and confusing. I have had to admit that there are certain things I can not do at this point in my life. Like drinking in social situations and eating sugar and binge watching shows on Netflix. These are all crutches for me. They help me escape. I have to face who I am, free of distractions. Get to know her. Guide her to become the person she wants to be. Talk about what goes on in her head. I have to get this relationship thing with myself figured out. My Littles and Mr. Man don't want me to run away and that feels good to know. I won't be leaving, but I will be moving forward.</span><br />
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-56975339295457643942014-12-02T09:25:00.000-06:002014-12-02T09:25:29.970-06:00Believe<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pp8tLs5Gkv4/VH3IwEzMOzI/AAAAAAAAAyo/h8ZolutAiJw/s1600/20141202_074307.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pp8tLs5Gkv4/VH3IwEzMOzI/AAAAAAAAAyo/h8ZolutAiJw/s1600/20141202_074307.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Tis the season to believe. I know that during this time of the year it is referring to believing in the miracle of Christ's birth or believing in the magic of Santa. However, I am not a Christian and I have issues with the fat man in a red suit. So the word 'believe' has a different feel to me. It symbolizes a belief in Love and Hope. It symbolizes knowing that all will be well and that life is good. It symbolizes that there is something bigger than me in this world.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">When I was sitting and gazing upon our decorated tree, I saw this ornament and I felt a nudge from my soul. Actually it was more of a push. It was as if my soul was telling me to pay attention. You see, I have been at odds with Love and Hope for quite some time now. And I have successfully been able to push those bad feelings down, but it is time to let them out to breathe. Time to let them out so I can let them go. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I don't know how or when it began, but I find myself doubting everything I have ever believed to be true. I find myself feeling lost and confused a lot of the time. I am annoyed by religious people. I am annoyed by spiritual people. I am annoyed by happy people. I am annoyed by sad people. Basically I am annoyed by people. It's not easy to put that out here. I know that it makes me look like a bitter, sad human. And I am. I just don't tell anyone about it. I've been here before many times.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I hole up in my house and try my hardest to not let my family or friends know the truth of how I am feeling inside. I have never asked them if they could tell that I was not in a good place, so I have no idea if they have ever known or not. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This time around some of them are noticing. I'm losing my edge. I'm losing my ability to keep myself hidden from them. I can't keep up the dance anymore. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This is hard. It is hard to know that the people I cherish most, can see me as this bitter and sad person that I feel I have become. I'm here in this hard place because I feel I have nothing to believe in. I know that there is something out there. I just can't find it right now. I'm searching. I'm not just giving up and letting sadness and bitterness win. It's a slow process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's going to be get harder, but I know that it is necessary. I have to trudge through this muck so that I can come out on the other side. I know I've been here. It feels very familiar. It's a nightmare I have lived through before. I'm here, so I know that I got through that one and I can get through this one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I just found something I believe. <i><b>I believe that I can get through this.</b></i></span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-39333600150008224812014-12-01T13:35:00.000-06:002014-12-01T13:35:11.509-06:00Dearest Dreadful December<span style="font-size: large;">December is here again. It is hard to face December, because it is a time of being with family and friends and, at the same time, it is a time of deep introspection for me. A time when I pull back from the world and go into hiding. Hibernation if you will. It is hard to gather with people when all you want to do is disappear.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">This year is no different. It's not December, though, it's me. December is simply a month on the calendar. It doesn't bring the baggage, I already own it. For many years, I have dreaded the coming of December, specifically the Christmas holiday. Yet, at the same time, I have cherished what the season brings. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It brings time with my Mr. Man and the Littles, that I would not otherwise have. It brings Winter in and the promise of the returning of the light. December means beautiful holiday light displays and some of the most peaceful and nostalgic music to listen to. December brings lovely family traditions, some from my childhood and some created by my Mr. Man and myself for our children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">As much as I try to focus on the good that ushers in with December, I find myself clinging to the darkness. To the pain that others deal with during this time of holiday cheer. To SAD that always sneaks in as well. To this feeling of being broken that follows me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I get angry about all the gift giving. Not because I don't like giving. I like giving. I don't like the idea of giving "stuff" to people who have everything they could possibly need when there are people around me who have so little. I really want to take the money we spend on presents for family and friends and give it to those who don't have the option of buying presents for family and friends.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Don't get me wrong, we do give to those less fortunate during the holiday season, but in my eyes, we don't give enough. We can't possibly give enough. Why does there have to be so much value on buying this and that? Why does there have to be this made up dude who brings presents for all the good little boys and girls, but not if you're poor or homeless. Santa only caters to certain good little boys and girls. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-size: large;">The crazy thing is that </span><span style="font-size: large;">I'm guilty of the Santa lie and </span><span style="font-size: large;">this tradition of gift-giving. </span><span style="font-size: large;">One of my biggest parenting regrets. </span><span style="font-size: large;">I grew up loving Christmas because it meant I was going to get a ton of presents. I remember very little from my childhood, but I do remember that excitement and wonder. I want my kids to feel that excitement and wonder. I just wish that those feelings of excitement and wonder could come without the presents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I know that I was just a kid, but I didn't care that all those presents put my parents in financial debt every year. My mom did her best, I'm sure, to make sure that we knew the real meaning behind Christmas. But in reality, I just wanted those gifts. I wanted to sit around the tree with all my siblings and be surrounded by a sea of wrapping paper and boxes. I'm pretty sure that if a Grinch had ever stolen my Christmas, there would have been no singing and roast beast eating. There would have been a lot of crying and wailing. Sad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I feel like a failure as a parent every year at this time. I have always been one to do better when I knew better, but this whole "Christmas" thing gets me every year. I </span><span style="font-size: large;">have empathy for the less fortunate, but will I give up the gift buying for them? Heck no. Will I give up the look of joy on my kids faces when they open that new "thing"? Heck no. </span><span style="font-size: large;">We, as a family, don't volunteer our time for the needy. We take part in an Adopt a Family each year, but that is the extent of it. We don't expose our children to the reality of the less fortunate. We talk about it, but we don't expose them to it. Sad.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">So will this December be no different than the years past? Will I spend it feeling more Scrooge-like than Who-like? Will I be resentful about the amount of money we spend and guilty that we don't do more for those less fortunate than us? Will I long for a peaceful, calm holiday season where we fill it with experiences with each other in place of gifts? </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I don't know the answer to any of these questions today, but I do know that something has to change. My expectations, my perceptions or my actions have to change. Perhaps all of them? I guess I will have to see how this dearest dreadful December plays out. Will I continue to choose a December being stressed out and Scrooge-like? Or will I choose a December filled with peaceful content. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I feel the pull of both. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-7637481045937392902014-11-17T10:37:00.000-06:002014-11-17T11:18:57.939-06:00An Unsolicited Tip<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kGELy70OIzo/VGopp-ovvyI/AAAAAAAAAyM/vYIzupzEnFc/s1600/Heartbeats-Instead-of-Passwords.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kGELy70OIzo/VGopp-ovvyI/AAAAAAAAAyM/vYIzupzEnFc/s1600/Heartbeats-Instead-of-Passwords.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
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Perhaps there are clouds in your life. Situations that are wearing you down or quite possibly beating the shit out of you. You may or may not have any control over the situation. You may or may not have the strength to fight. You know in your head that there is nothing that you can do, even though the reality might be different. People will offer you all kinds of encouraging advice to help you get through it. Advice that, mostly, comes from a place of love. However, it may also come from a place of control or a place of annoyance. And what they want you to do, no matter where it comes from, is HARD. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Don't do anything they have offered.</span> <span style="font-size: large;">Just don't.</span></b><br />
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The simplest of suggestions is monumentally hard when that shit storm is swirling around you. Don't make it worse by taking on the guilt of not being able to feel better.<br />
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Simply tell them "thank you" and then don't do any of it. Remember what they gave you, but don't try any of it until you can. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>You'll know when that is possible.</b></span><br />
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So what can you do? When all seems lost and you just don't want to try anymore? Or when there is nothing you can do about any of it anyway? <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>What can you do?</b></span><br />
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Simply this. Close your eyes. Place your hand upon your heart. Feel it. Feel every beat. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">That's you. You're a living, breathing person. You are a miracle. </span> </b><br />
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Now think of another living being human (or animal) that is probably happy that YOU have a heartbeat. Maybe they need you or maybe they are just happy that you are simply living on this earth. <br />
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If you can't think of any other living creature, then think of me. I will be that person for you today.<br />
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Let the realization, that there is at least one other being in your world that is happy that you are alive, sit within your heart. Carry that with you through the day. Let it be the thing that just gets you through this moment in time. <br />
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You are going to have many days where you can face the storm and keep on keepin' on. You are going to have many days when you can't. Turn to your heart on those days. Let your heartbeat show you the miracle that you are. <br />
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Our days are all numbered. We all have the same number of hours in a day to either get it right or suck at it. And as long as that heartbeat is present, we are going to get it right and we are going to suck. <br />
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But one thing remains constant. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>We are all alive. </b></span><br />
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We all wake up in the morning with the life we have. So either live it or let the heartbeat lead you along. Either way you are still alive. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>You are still a miracle.</b></span><br />
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Someone is happy about that.<br />
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-42109292947675346352014-08-06T12:03:00.001-05:002014-08-06T12:03:49.212-05:00Seeing and Being Me<span style="font-size: large;">I haven't been here for a very long time. As I sit here writing this, I feel a ton of resistance. Uncertainty. Writing feels foreign to me. Like I've never done it before. Why am I writing this? Who am I talking to? Am I even visible to people? Being invisible has been my super power. If things ever got tough, I could make myself invisible in the wink of an eye. Poof! I'm gone. I can retreat deep within the caves of my soul and just hide there.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Sometimes it feels safe there. Safe from the watchful eyes and harsh judgement of others. Safe from people looking at me in disgust. Safe from being reminded that I just don't fit in. That I weigh too much. That my hair is too gray. That I can't take care of my kids, my home or my husband.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Other times it feels confining and scary. Like I'm being held prisoner. Trying to find the way out, but not being able to see through the darkness. And I would stay in the darkness until I felt brave enough to attempt to feel my way out.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">In both cases I would always reappear, ready to take on the world. Renewed and refreshed. Until the next time I needed to be invisible. Its a vicious cycle. One that needed to be broken. In both cases the only one I was really hiding from was myself. It was my watchful eyes and harsh judgement that I needed to escape from. I was the only one holding myself captive in scary dark places. I was the one who made it possible to be invisible.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Why? Why would anyone want to be invisible? I'm sure that there is all kinds of psychology behind why a person would want to be invisible and why they let their own self-loathing push them into hiding. And the Virgo in me wants to research that and learn all about it and then file it away into my organized file of "Things I Will Just Forget". Honestly, though, I don't care. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it doesn't apply to me anymore. I have relinquished my invisibility powers. *Poof* </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Did I consciously do this? No. I had no idea that I was going to wake up one day and "see" myself as worthy of being visible. I had no idea that one act on my part would catapult me fully into my whole self.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Something as simple as cutting my hair. Well, shaving my head, to be specific. I suppose its not everyday that a woman shaves her head, but it was a simple act. I did it with a friend, who was doing it because of chemotherapy. It didn't feel like a big deal for me. It was just something I could do with a friend who wasn't getting a choice about it. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I had no idea that my life would change forever. That my spirit would light up and I would feel a sense of freedom from the chains that I used to bind myself with. To be honest, I do think that my soul knew that I hid behind my hair. I have entertained the idea of shaving my head in the past, but quickly dismissed it as crazy. Certain that I would be cast out by my family and friends. So instead, I let it grow longer. And longer. I determined that my long locks were symbolic of the Wild Woman inside of me that was going to make her way out.... someday.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So here she is. Demanding that I drop the invisibility shit. Demanding that I drop regrets and fears and self-limiting thoughts. I still have gray hair. I am still overweight. I'm still not a perfect mother, wife or housekeeper. Those things no longer define who I am. Without regret, fear and feeling worthless, those parts of me are just parts of me. Parts of the whole package. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">And I think this whole package is pretty amazing. And happy. And joyous. And free. Ready to be seen. Ready to be me.</span><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U3G9Kps3Ld0/U-Jf1MTDhfI/AAAAAAAAAvM/m0zeufhQe5s/s1600/realme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-U3G9Kps3Ld0/U-Jf1MTDhfI/AAAAAAAAAvM/m0zeufhQe5s/s1600/realme.jpg" height="320" width="180" /></a></div>
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-9445911027348881852012-12-21T11:57:00.000-06:002012-12-21T12:01:41.954-06:00The Unknowing<br />
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<br /></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>The
unknowing may bring you to your knees.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Leaving you
lying there enclosed in pain.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Deep pain that no amount of Love or kind words can heal.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>The
Unknowing blasts through our fortress of patience and acceptance.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Leaving a
path of destruction that can only be mended by walking through it.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Under the
rubble lays Hope, Love and our Divine.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>The Divine
is there patiently waiting to greet us.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Ready to
wrap us up in a blanket of Trust and Strength and Divine Love.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Ready to
hold us close as we weep. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Ready to
take the punches when we’re mad as hell.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Ready to
assure us that Hope walks alongside our heavy heart. <o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>The
unknowing may bring me to my knees.<o:p></o:p></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>My Divine
supports me on the way. </i></span><span style="font-size: small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 115%;"><b>I write this today for a dear friend who is facing this Unknowing. I hope she finds her way through the rubble. </b></span></div>
Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-39520265918504939382012-12-19T11:01:00.000-06:002012-12-19T11:01:34.784-06:00I'm a Doodler!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P5akvRAWjYA/UNHvMQDoWlI/AAAAAAAAAkc/VF3S-KYQcs0/s1600/doodle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-P5akvRAWjYA/UNHvMQDoWlI/AAAAAAAAAkc/VF3S-KYQcs0/s320/doodle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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For as long as I can remember, I have had an aversion to creating anything with my hands. Not just a typical aversion. I would have actual anxiety attacks over having to use these two hands to "make" something. If it was writing, I could do it. But add crayons, pens, paints, needles to the mix and I was not going to have anything to do with it. I come from a family of creative souls. Whether it be painting, drawing, writing or singing, my siblings and mother could do some amazing things with creativity. Then there was me. I don't know where this block came from. It doesn't matter. I know that I created it and held on tight for my entire life.</div>
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<div>
A little over a month ago, my good friend and artist, Dawn-Marie deLara (you can find her amazing work <a href="http://theartofthehome.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">here</a>) heard me say that I could not doodle. I admitted to this block that I have had my entire life. How when I would try to create something it usually ended with me in tears or absolutely angry. I was a creative mess. So she challenged me to just sit down and doodle. For 30 days. Just doodle and see what comes out. </div>
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I think I may have just laughed at the suggestion, but it did spark my curiosity. Could I do it? Could I actually sit down and doodle and not be filled with self-hate and disgust? I pondered for a couple of days. As I pondered, my Little #5 gently coaxed me to do it. She was finishing up an art lesson with my amazing artist friend and heard the challenge. Little #5 is an amazing doodler, as is her oldest sister. They had the doodle gene that I was sure was missing from me.</div>
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<div>
Then my pondering just dissolved and I was sitting down one morning doodling! What the hell!! How did that happen? I have no idea. There have been others in my life who have encouraged me to explore my creative side. Encouraging me to doodle or draw or just color in a coloring book. All on deaf ears. Because I whole heartedly believe that you're not ready until you're ready. Not a minute sooner.</div>
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<div>
I guess I was ready because what happened next is nothing short of a miracle. I made that first doodle and I felt so alive. I was bursting with energy. I felt like a little kid. I wanted to do more. Out of that excitement and deep desire to share I created 30 Days of Doodle. It was to be my space to display my doodles to anyone who cared. Mostly it was my space to showcase my doodles to me. I wasn't nervous about posting my doodles. I honestly have no more creative blocks. I have no embarrassment about people seeing my work. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-roDWycA4wjc/UNHvcGTo3RI/AAAAAAAAAkk/kkLZN4QgHs0/s1600/doddle1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-roDWycA4wjc/UNHvcGTo3RI/AAAAAAAAAkk/kkLZN4QgHs0/s320/doddle1.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My 1st doodle</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div>
As a matter of fact, I'll share all of them <a href="https://www.facebook.com/30DaysOfDoodle" target="_blank">here</a>. 30 Days of Doodle is for anyone who just needs to play and explore with their inner creativity. We all have it. Yours isn't going to look like mine. My doodles are just that. Mine. But I would love to see other doodles there. My 30 days ended today. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3SffUNyGSTA/UNHvzcp_JnI/AAAAAAAAAks/vtrlfcDScRc/s1600/doodle30.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3SffUNyGSTA/UNHvzcp_JnI/AAAAAAAAAks/vtrlfcDScRc/s320/doodle30.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My 30th doodle</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div>
My doodling doesn't end today. Doodling has become a part of my daily flow now. It has become a daily practice. Similar to someones meditation or another persons Morning Pages. I get out of bed each morning eager to see how the days doodle with turn out. Some I have struggled with. Most have just flowed from my hand with no thought to where there are going. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I don't know that I will continue to post every doodle, but I will continue to share those that feel that they need to be shared. Today I can say with pride, "I am a doodler!"</div>
Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-82219892041130733972012-12-17T08:49:00.000-06:002012-12-17T08:49:37.147-06:00I hear you knocking at my door<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-31vvXgTy8ZA/UM8wfziouGI/AAAAAAAAAkE/5kAQEYH-GNA/s1600/timthumb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-31vvXgTy8ZA/UM8wfziouGI/AAAAAAAAAkE/5kAQEYH-GNA/s320/timthumb.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to
coax me to open up and let you in. I sit in silence and wait for you to go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking
at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence and
wonder if I should let you in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming
at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken and unsure. I know what happens when the door opens. It
happens every time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">You come in and get settled. You keep me a prisoner in my own home. You seduce me with false
assurances of safety. You encourage me with lies, to distance myself from all
those I love. You make me miserable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Every. Time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken yet strong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence. Hopeful that you will move on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to coax me to open up
and let you in. I sit in silence as you
take leave.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;">I sit in silence. Safe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">This time….</span></div>
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<i><b>I dedicate this to all of you out there who have ever dealt with depression, SAD, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear or whatever that "thing" is that turns your world upside down. May we all see the day when we can just sit in silence and wait for the knocking to stop.</b></i></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-40966857772219129632012-11-09T14:35:00.000-06:002012-11-09T14:35:08.583-06:00I Love You<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AO_W7R2Lnnk/UJ1o3EdUZXI/AAAAAAAAAjo/YAt_XWr53pI/s1600/LOVE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-AO_W7R2Lnnk/UJ1o3EdUZXI/AAAAAAAAAjo/YAt_XWr53pI/s320/LOVE.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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"I love you." Three of the scariest words to say. At least they always have been for me. Maybe not scary, but definitely left me feeling awkward. Even with my family. I would say them out of a sense of duty. Mostly uttering them only after they were said to me. <br />
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I'm not ready to have a big ole Love fest yet, but I feel so much more at ease with these three words these days. I feel comfortable using them. I say them to my Littles (the ones still living with me) and Mr. Man everyday. Yes, every day. I have done that for months. Not years, months. I came to the conclusion, on my own, that if I were to "feel the Love" more, I had to "be the Love" more. So I set a goal to tell everyone I saw that I loved them. <br />
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Yeah, that didn't pan out. I put myself in the shoes of a 13-year-old boy whose friend's mom just told him she loved him, and decided that that would not be a good idea. So I chose to declare my love for my immediate family. I have to admit that it felt awkward. There were many days where I had to go into a child's room after they were in bed to tell them I loved them, because I almost forgot. Now it comes naturally and I say it more than once a day. <br />
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And now I feel like I need to carry this out to extended family and friends. I feel a need to open my heart wider and experience more of this thing called Love. Do I share my Love with people who are not used to it? Do I risk the chance of making them feel uncomfortable? I don't want to be the reason for someone's discomfort. Or do I?<br />
<br />
My children have been telling me they love me for ever. It made me feel uncomfortable at times. I didn't feel uncomfortable because they loved me, but because I would have to say those three words back. I would have to open up my heart a crack to eek out those words. But thanks to my children and numerous other people in my life, I don't feel so uncomfortable now.<br />
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I have always known that I have Love in my heart. It was the actual "feeling" that seemed to be foreign to me. My last post was about anger. I am very familiar with anger. And since I have determined that I could let anger go, I have also determined that I can let Love in. I can let the seed of Love blossom in my heart. <br />
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I get to chose how fast it grows. I get to let it grow like weeds or let it slowly come to the surface. It is all up to me. I have been through a transformation over the last few months. One that has been uncomfortable and anxiety inducing. Anger and fear were winning. I acknowledged that and said "No more!"<br />
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Love is the way. Love is what is left standing when anger and fear are dissolved. I have enough Love in my heart for everyone in my life. Yes, everyone. Even the people who are frightened by my beliefs. Even the people who refuse to speak to me. Even the people who will never Love me back. I get to chose where my Love goes.<br />
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I can "feel" Love today. I feel it in my heart. It feels amazing to know that I am Love. I was born filled with Love and I will have a never ending supply of Love for ever and ever and ever. No one or no thing can ever take that away from me. And no one or no thing can ever take it away from you. You are Love, too.<br />
<br />
I Love You!! <br />
<br />
(Hey! That didn't even feel awkward.)<br />
<br />
<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-32386578019099121522012-10-26T10:25:00.000-05:002012-10-26T10:33:43.789-05:00Anger be gone!!I've been carrying a ton of anger around with me these days. I'm angry at people, institutions and political parties. Just to name a few. And all I have learned from all this anger is that I always feel like a victim. I feel fear daily. I will be happy as can be and then see something on my computer or the tv or a lawn sign and suddenly I'm pissed as hell. <div>
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<div>
I feel it in my whole body. I grind my teeth, get a headache, get a pain in the center of my stomach, have back spasms. My mind spins with how much wrong is in this world. I get completely lost in my anger and fear. </div>
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Doesn't that sound like a fun place to be?</div>
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I think, that with this election coming up, there are a lot of people out there that are feeling something similar to what I feel. Day after day.... I just want to say something about that. </div>
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It sucks to be stuck in anger and fear, but it really sucks when there are thousands of other people out there suffering from the same thing. And all of that collective anger and fear just keeps the suckiness swirling around waiting for the next person to fall into it. </div>
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So I have an idea. Lets let the anger go. What a novel idea, right? Just let it go.... where? Believe me, I have just as many snarky comments going through my mind as you do right now. Bear with me as I talk to myself for awhile.</div>
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<div>
~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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A person can't just let their anger go. </div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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<i>Why not?</i> </div>
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Because you can't just let go of something that you feel so passionately about.</div>
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<div>
<i>You feel passionately about anger?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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No! I feel passionately about all the wrong going on in the world and it makes me angry. I hate seeing all of the division and lack of acceptance and bullying<i>.</i></div>
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<i>So you can't feel passion without anger? You can't feel passion without fear turning you into an anxious mess who talks to herself?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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I guess not. </div>
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<i>Do you feel passionately about Love and Joy and Acceptance?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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Yes. Of course I do!</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>So those things fill you up with anger?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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No. Why would they do that?</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Well, you said that you can't feel passion without anger. I'm just trying to be clear on where you stand.</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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(Silent pause)</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
<i>So you can feel passion, free of anger, with all the things that you believe make your world a wonderful place? But YOU let the crappy stuff affect you so negatively that it is making you ill? </i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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(More silent pausing)</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>So what if you just release this anger and fear, but keep the passion. Why can't you be passionate without anger and fear?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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If I don't get angry then I become apathetic. If I just live my life happily it looks like I don't care about what is going on around me. Then I have let those people, institutions and political parties win. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>You have let them win already. Whenever someone/something makes you feel this kind of fear, they have won control over you. Isn't that what you always tell your Littles about bullies?</i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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Yes. Yes it is. Crap! I have been letting these things/people win. </div>
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<br /></div>
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~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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<br /></div>
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Ok. I'm done talking to myself now. I think I get it. I can still feel passionate about the injustice and fear mongering and intolerance that I see going on around me. I just don't have to let it into my heart and soul. I can hold a space of Love to surround all this crap. And if more people can do that, things could change. I can feel deeply passionate about something and not let it turn me into an angry, fearful mess.</div>
<div>
<i><br /></i></div>
<div>
Just so were're clear here. I'm not saying that we should not feel anger. Anger can be a great catalyst for change. What I'm saying is that I don't have to automatically let that anger turn into paralyzing fear. If someone were to come up to me and start a conversation about how marriage should be between one man and one woman, I would not walk away from that conversation. I would very much explain that I think that that is a crock of shit. (Oops! There's that paralyzing fear again.) I would very much explain that I believe that we all deserve to Love and marry whomever we choose as our life partner. </div>
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<br /></div>
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This is not going to be easy. I'm sure that I will still feel my anger in my body. I mean, honestly, it takes me awhile to break old habits. But I'm going to be diligent about this. I deserve to be free of intense anger and fear. My family and friends, and dare I say the whole world, deserve to be free of my intense anger and fear.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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So who's with me here? Who's ready to let anger be gone? Let's spread Love around freely instead of fear. </div>
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<br /></div>
Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-70207565800599333122012-05-18T13:06:00.001-05:002012-05-18T13:06:12.582-05:00Mothering my wayI have recently been dealing with doubts about my ability to mother properly. Wishing I could start over and do things differently, but realizing that I probably wouldn't do things differently. Feeling like a lazy, selfish mother who doesn't like being bothered by the needs of others. Well, I remembered something today. I remembered the struggles that Baby Little had to deal with when she came into this world. I remembered how she was a "failure to thrive" baby and how the doctors told me, "This baby will never be able to nurse." I remembered the months and months of perseverance, where I tried EVERYTHING to make nursing work for her. How I was bound and determined to prove those doctors wrong. (I still snicker to myself when I think of how the doctors were wrong and she nursed till she was 4.) I remembered the months and months of crying and the miles of pacing I did with her. All this reminded me that I am not a lazy mother. When the going gets tough, I step up and do what needs to be done.<br />
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I don't have to do everything and be everything for my children. My undying love for them will carry them and lead them to be loving and caring as well. I may not be a playful parent, but they know that my lack of playfulness has nothing to do with them. It is just who I am. I may not be the most affectionate parent, but they know that when they need me I am ready with open arms. <br />
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I acknowledge that my criticisms about my parenting have come from me. There is no one in my life that has voiced an opinion on my parenting skills. I am my worst critic. I let go of all of the expectations that I brought into this life with me regarding mothering. I am seeing myself as a mother today. I am intelligent and caring enough to know what my children need. I am confident and strong enough to know when society is blowing smoke in my face about what a "good" mother looks like. <br />
<br />
I'm a mom everyday. Have been for 24 years, 1 month and 4 days. I think I've got this one.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-26532416423842732312012-04-25T14:32:00.000-05:002012-04-25T14:32:18.759-05:00Freedom<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Depression has come to visit me once again. It sneaks up, and before I see the signs, I am already being held in its arms. Once there, it is difficult to free myself. But I do. My time spent with depression is few and far between. Eleven years ago my time spent free from depression was few and far between. It is Hell. I do not believe that Hell is something we experience in the after-life. I believe we experience it here on Earth. I lived there for many, many years. My depression started in childhood. I was in my early 20's when I started down the medication path. I don't remember a whole lot of my life and I believe it was depression that stole those memories from me and stole those years of my life. Through that time in hell, I experienced many joyful moments. The birth of 5 children, marrying my love and meeting many wonderful friends. Those were all beautiful events, but depression clouds beauty. It takes away its shine. Leaves you feeling numb and unable to truly feel the joy of living.<br />
<br />
I am one of the lucky ones. I made it through my time in Hell. I made it, where many others don't. My heart painfully aches when I hear of someone who loses the battle with depression. I'm so sensitive because of how well I know the deep pain they went through. Divine Love pulled at me until I was able to release myself from the monster called Clinical Depression. My soul heard the soft whispering voice of the Divine and I knew I was to be free. <br />
<br />
I hit rock bottom while pregnant with Little #5. I had an emotional breakdown while home with my 4 kids. My 2nd born had to call my husband home from work because I was curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably. I probably could have spent some time hospitalized and maybe I should have, but we had 4 kids and I wouldn't be separated from them. Even at my lowest of low, my soul heard that soft Divine Voice whispering that I would be ok. I really have few memories of this time and how I picked myself up walked away free, but I did it. I'm sure I had help from friends and family, but the Divine was my biggest weapon. Like I said, I was one of the lucky ones. Hospitalization is the only option for many others and it saves their lives.<br />
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Today depression doesn't have the power over me it once had. It still has an influence on me, or I wouldn't be writing this. I am so grateful that the voice of The Divine is enough to pull me away sooner than later. Today as I laid upon my bed with that overpowering feeling of hopelessness surrounding me, I heard it. Just 5 small words. "Sit out in the sun." So I pulled myself out of bed while depression screamed, "No!! Stay here! Its easier here!". Within 5 minutes of being in the sun, I felt depression release its hold and slip away. I know this may not work for others, but this my experience. I hear that small voice of the Divine. I believe it resides in us all. Guiding us. I don't always know it, but its always there. Sometimes it appears as a supportive, loving friend or family member, or a beautiful sunset, or a big hug from a small child. That Divine Presence is all around. Waiting to be seen and heard. Today I heard it and I am free.Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-9215327729137745912012-02-29T14:46:00.001-06:002012-02-29T14:54:24.639-06:00Where am I going?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Where am I going? That's a good question. A question that I have no answer to, yet I'm already on my way. I've got so many directions that I can go and one of these days I'll pick one. Or two.... or three... That's the beauty of living. I get to pick and choose as many times as I want. I used to believe that if you keep changing your direction that you're weak or lazy or untalented. But here's what I know today. Each time that I begin or end that next thing, I am moving in a direction. I'm beginning. Every time I have changed direction I was beginning again. <br />
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When I realized that being a Reiki practitioner was not what I wanted to do, I felt like a failure. I was reminded of all the other 'jobs' I used to do that I walked away from. Each time feeling like a failure all over again. Why? Why does walking away from something that doesn't feel fulfilling make me a failure? <br />
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Letting my Reiki practice go was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It freed me to move from the place of being stuck that I was in. I was stuck in so many areas of my life. Stuck deep in the muck. Couldn't go forward or backward. As soon as I acknowledged that being an energy healer felt fake to me, I was able to see myself for what I truly was. (It took me many months to finally acknowledge this, by the way.)<br />
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I'm not saying that Reiki felt fake. I fully believe in the healing power of Reiki. I'm saying that putting myself in the position of Reiki healer felt fake. It just wasn't who I wanted to be. There are people in this world who were meant to be amazing energy healers. I am not one of those people. I'm good with that.<br />
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So back to my original question. Where am I going? Right now I'm moving forward in a couple different areas. One of those areas is my home. I'm making this home, that I have lived in for 15 years, finally reflect who I am. I'm letting go of all the clutter that I have been holding on to. I wrote the post, <a href="http://choosingtobegin.blogspot.com/2010/02/fear-cocoons-otherwise-known-as.html">Fear Cocoons</a>, about my cluttering. And <a href="http://choosingtobegin.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-9-trust30-writing-challenge.html">this</a> one about the monster in my basement. In January I had a group of amazing friends come over and help me tackle most of the monster in my basement. Two van loads of stuff were carted off to the thrift store. One entire room was cleared out, which led me to organize the family room down there, which led a few of my Littles to let go of stuff they no longer wanted, which led to painting rooms and putting in new flooring..... and on and on. <br />
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I just needed to begin. A very wise friend of mine (who happens to be one of the amazing women who came over that day) told me once that a good affirmation for me would be, "I am beginning at my beginning." I have taken that affirmation and turned it into my mantra. Anytime I change directions I am reminded that this change IS my beginning.<br />
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For now I am happy stringing together many days of beginnings. Everyday is a beginning. Keeping my momentum is easier when I remember this. Are you stuck somewhere? Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help if you need to. Sometimes all you need is a little momentum.<br />
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<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-79333540370306106722012-01-08T08:41:00.001-06:002012-01-08T08:44:39.363-06:00The Search<br />
I wrote this back in Feb 2010 but felt the need to republish it today. So many times I have found myself searching for something and this helps remind me that I really don't need to search. The something I'm looking for is always right there in front of me. <br />
<br />
<em><br /></em><br />
<em>The Search</em><br />
<em><br /></em><br />
<em>She was searching. Searching for something that was always out of her reach. All she wanted was to be good enough. All she wanted was to be beautiful. All she wanted was to be loved. She was searching.</em><br />
<br />
<em>She looked to others to validate that she was good enough. She looked to others to see her beauty. She looked to others to give her love. Yet her search continued on for what seemed to be a lifetime.</em><br />
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<em>Then she met a wise, old woman, who told her where she could find all that she was looking for. This wise woman told her to go to a mirror and stand in front of it with her eyes closed. There she would find what she was so desperately searching for.</em><br />
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<em>She walked away from the wise woman feeling disappointment. How could she possibly find these things in a mirror with her eyes closed? That's when she heard the voice. It said one word. "Trust."</em><br />
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<em>So she did as she was told. She stood before the mirror and closed her eyes. Nothing. Where was the answer? The voice said, "Trust."</em><br />
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<em>She stood there for many minutes. Still nothing. This isn't working. "Trust."</em><br />
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<em>Many more minutes followed. Just as she was ready to give up and curse the wise woman, she saw a face. It was her face. Then she saw a whole person. The person looked like her, but she was beautiful and Divine.</em><br />
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<em>She asked, "Who are you?"</em><br />
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<em>The voice retuned and said, "I am you."</em><br />
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<em>"Can you help me find all that I am searching for?"</em><br />
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<em>"I can."</em><br />
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<em>"Please, share your wisdom with me!"</em><br />
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<em>This Most Divine person that was her, told her that there was only one who could end her search. Only one that could make her feel good enough, and beautiful and loved.</em><br />
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<em>"Who? Who is it!!" she pleaded.</em><br />
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<em>The voice said, "Open your eyes."</em><br />
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<em>"I can't. What if its just me looking back?"</em><br />
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<em>"Trust."</em><br />
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<em>So she opened her eyes. She opened her eyes and she saw herself. And she was good enough and she was beautiful and she was loved.</em><br />
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<strong>I hope that you can open your eyes, so that you can be good enough and beautiful and loved. Trust the Divine you.</strong><br />
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Just my thoughts.<br />
<br />Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-22735923198769596952011-07-23T23:58:00.001-05:002011-08-04T23:12:05.032-05:00The End.....or rather To Be Continued<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qylvROcSiJo/TiulWRJ-YhI/AAAAAAAAAa4/d0MK16IK_Ew/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qylvROcSiJo/TiulWRJ-YhI/AAAAAAAAAa4/d0MK16IK_Ew/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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So I haven't been here since June 12th. I did not plan to go on a blogging hiatus. It just happened that way. I have had a lot of experiences over the last month or so that I could share, but these experiences will not be recounted here. I have chosen to keep this part of my journey private. I don't feel that I need to share how I have become the person that I am, but I do feel that I need to share with you who I am today. This will also be my last post here.<br />
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First of all, I would like to offer an apology to my family and friends. The person I am about to describe may be a stranger to you. I have been very good at keeping myself pretty well hidden. I'm here now and I'm not hiding anymore.<br />
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My name is Jill. I am a wife, a mother of 6, a mother-in-law and a grandmother. I am a sister and a friend. I am an unschooler who also supports my kids who want to be in public school. I am a teacher and a student. I am an energy healer. I am a practicing writer with much to learn. I have passion, but I don't always share it openly with others. I am an introvert who loves to surround myself with small groups of people from time to time. I have a hard time being in very large crowds.<br />
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I love daisies and I love being outside in my backyard near my mystical oak tree. I revere Mother Earth and I feel most connected to her when I am near water, specifically Lake Superior. My spirituality is like a large quilt of all faiths interwoven. I do pick and choose which aspects resonate with me and I discard the rest, but I respect that others do not. I respect that all people have their beliefs and it is none of my business how they choose to practice their faith. There are many things about organized religion that I don't support, but you won't see me on a soapbox. I choose to focus my energy on what feels right for me in this world. <br />
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I believe that Love will hold us together and that hate will drive us apart. I believe that the Light of the Divine Creator is within us all and that it is my purpose in this life to shine my Light. To be a beacon to others whose Light feels dim. I am up for the challenge.<br />
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I have bad days along the way. It does not mean that I am broken. It just means that I am temporarily out of alignment with my Higher Self. It is during these times when I will turn to those in my life whose Light is shining bright, so that I can see my way back. I believe that we get to choose the kind of life we will live. I believe that I am not defined by who I was or where I have come from. I chose to forgive and to be forgiven. I chose to live the life that my Soul has been missing. <br />
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And so I come to close this blog. It has served its purpose for me and I hope it has been a source of comfort and inspiration for others. I will not stop writing. I can't. My soul needs for me to write because the spoken word doesn't come easy for me. I will continue to write on my website, and it will still be just my thoughts. It won't be what is was here. I hope you'll join me at <a href="http://www.shininglifehealing.com/my-thoughts.html">Shining Life Healing</a>. I'm looking forward to sharing and learning along with you.<br />
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Thank you for all the support I've received over the years. I will be forever grateful. Keep it shiny!<br />
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Just my thoughts.<br />
<br />
<i>Although I will not be posting here anymore, I will leave the blog available for others to read. I don't want to erase the journey that I have been on. </i>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-24678837469433479632011-06-12T15:30:00.000-05:002011-06-12T15:30:28.261-05:00Day 13 - #Trust30 writing challengeJust in case you happen to be following these writing prompts, I skipped yesterday, because I can. :)<div><br />
</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><em>I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – </em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">Ralph Waldo Emerson</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><h2 style="color: #be3321; display: block; font-weight: bold; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #be3321; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #be3321;">Surprise by Ashley Ambirge</span></span></h2></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself. How will you surprise yourself this week?</span></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I think back to the time when I admitted to myself that the clutter that was taking over our house was looking more and more like hoarding. Of course I never said that 'h' word out loud. I would just admit that the clutter was getting out of control. I remember thinking that there was nothing I could do about it. I would start the de-cluttering process and quickly quit because I became overwhelmed. Then I gathered up all my inner-strength (which I happen to have plenty of) and just jumped in. 40+ boxes and numerous garbage bags later, I had accomplished something that I never thought would be possible.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I look back at that time in my life and I feel grateful for being shown the way by the Divine. I was shown that I can do anything that I want to do. Sometimes I forget that I have that spark inside of me. Sometimes I just don't want to do things that seem hard. That's ok. Because I get to choose which actions I will take. I get to decide when things need to be faced.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Maybe I'll choose to do something surprising this week.....and maybe I won't.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Just my thoughts.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><em>This has been day</em> <em>#13 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details <a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/" style="color: #542a6e; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #5e2285;">here</span></a>.</em></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
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</span></i></span></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-22641103433255661652011-06-10T16:04:00.000-05:002011-06-10T16:04:17.979-05:00Day 11 - #Trust30 writing challenge<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><em><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – </span></em></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Ralph Waldo Emerson</i></span></span><br />
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</span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?</i></span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">I am a recovering imitator. I can take on someone else's beliefs and behaviors with the blink of an eye. I suppose we all can to some extent, but I have made many important life decisions based on the fact that somebody I knew (and was very fond of) did the same thing. It can be easier to just do what someone else does. Its easier to let them do all the research and soul searching than it is for me to weigh the pros and cons and actually let my intuition lead me. That just takes too much work. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">There is no 12 step program for compulsive imitators, so thankfully I have been able to walk away from being the imitator all on my own. I have been able to be 'like' me. With the exception of one area.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;"><b>Homeschooling.</b> I have an incredibly hard time with just letting myself homeschool the Littles in the manner that resonates best with our family. I still don't give people a straight answer when they ask me how I manage to homeschool the kids. So I come up with a description of how other people I know homeschool and pass it off as how we do it.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">That's not exactly imitating though is it? That's more of a lie. Because I don't actually imitate the actions of how others homeschool. I imitate the philosophy. I imply that we are ecclectic, relaxed homeschoolers, when in fact we are unschoolers through and through. Sometimes I even talk about curriculum with people. *Gasp* I almost convince myself that I should have a curriculum for the kids. I almost convince myself that I should be forcing them to sit down and read the classics and then make them write book reports and take tests. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">But you see, I can recognize when I'm being an imitator now. I can see that to do those things would go against everything that I believe in. My homeschooling is so far from mainstream that I keep it a secret from most. Because I don't want to subject myself to the questions. I don't want to have to defend the choices that my family makes. I don't want to have to convince someone who doesn't understand that I'm not guilty of educational neglect.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">So the jury is out. Is this imitating or is this just avoiding conflict. Hmm....I'm not exactly sure, but I am sure of one thing. I am sure that I can choose to live my life in the manner that resonates best with me. I can choose to raise my children in the manner that I feel benefits them as the unique individuals that were born to be.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">If I want my children to grow into the kind of adult that doesn't suffer from these suicidal tendencies of imitation, then I better not do it myself. I better stand tall and share the whole me. What you see has to be what you get. Their success in living a joyful, truthful life depends on it.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; line-height: 21px;">Just my thoughts.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><em>This has been day</em> <em>#11 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details <a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/" style="color: #542a6e; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #5e2285;">here</span></a>.</em></span>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-87360000130244453082011-06-09T21:06:00.000-05:002011-06-09T21:06:41.647-05:00Day 10 - #Trust30 writing challenge<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"> </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">– Ralph Waldo Emerson</span></i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #be3321; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large; font-weight: bold; line-height: 30px;">Your Personal Message by Eric Handler</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;"><i>What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">What is burning deep inside of me right now is an affirmation. An affirmation that you are already all that you need to be. We don't have to go searching or trying to learn how to be a better, happier person. Within each of us a light is glowing. It glows to show us the way. The way to find true happiness and unbelievable bliss is to take a straight path right to the center of our being. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">The Divine/God/Source, whatever you connect with, is there. Waiting to be unchained. Ready to shine so bright that everyone around will need to sunglasses just to see who you are. This light that lies within us needs to be shared and shared often. No matter how many times you give it away it will always be there to sustain you and carry you through this life.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">Trust yourself. Be yourself. If you don't know who 'yourself' is just look in a mirror. That beautiful being lies inside of this body you have. Close your eyes and look. Maybe you'll see yourself, maybe you'll feel something or maybe you'll hear that still quiet voice that is you. Just give yourself a chance to be.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">You are Love. You are Light. You are ready. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">Just my thoughts.</span><br />
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<div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><em>This has been day</em> <em>#9 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details <a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/" style="color: #542a6e; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #5e2285;">here</span></a>.</em></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><em><br />
</em></span></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-73803074357886105772011-06-08T21:26:00.002-05:002011-06-08T21:33:09.661-05:00Day 9 - #Trust30 writing challenge<div class="headline_area" style="margin-bottom: 2.4em; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;"><span style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson </span></span></i></span></h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br />
</h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large; line-height: 60px;"><a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/mary-jaksch" rel="bookmark" style="color: #be3321; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none;" title="Permanent link to Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch">Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksc</a></span></h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></span></h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.</span></i></span></h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></span></h2><h2 class="entry-title" style="color: #be3321; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.267em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; line-height: 24px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;">I don't know if I can think of anything 'too scary' to write about. I have already written about my <a href="http://mamaof6-justmythoughts.blogspot.com/2010/04/story-that-needs-to-be-told.html">scariest moment</a>, so that doesn't need to be rehashed. I suppose there is one other thing that scares me to write about. That thing is the monster in my basement. It lives in 3 rooms down there and its massive and its scary and sometimes it comes upstairs in our main living area.</span></span></h2><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;">I've tried for years and years to get rid of it, but it has too much control over me. It taunts me. There are times when I go down there ready to kick some monster butt and I throw open the door.... and I freeze. The monster stares me down and I am completely defenseless. I instantly lose any confidence that I may have had that this time I was going to win.</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;">I go back upstairs with my head held low and forget about the monster. I bury its presence deep inside and go about my happy life. Until a writing prompt like this comes along and reminds me that there is this one thing that is 'too scary' to write about. Stupid writing prompt!</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;">So here I sit. Thinking about this monster and how it holds me captive in my own home. I look around my room and I see that my monster has snuck into my room and is bearing down on me. Its got me surrounded and feeling a bit suffocated. Stupid monster!</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;">Just my thoughts.</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
</span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;"><em>This has been day</em> <em>#9 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details <a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/" style="color: #542a6e; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #5e2285;">here</span></a>.</em></span></div><div style="color: #111111;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #111111; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small; line-height: 24px;"><br />
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</span></div></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-11954917362886665482011-06-07T18:25:00.000-05:002011-06-07T18:25:14.073-05:00Day 8 - #Trust30 writing challenge<h2 style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #be3321; display: block; font-weight: bold; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #be3321; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #505050; font-weight: normal; line-height: 21px;"><em>There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour.</em> – Ralph Waldo Emerson</span></span></h2><h2 style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #be3321; display: block; font-family: Arial; font-size: 30px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</h2><h2 style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #be3321; display: block; font-size: 30px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 30px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Five Years by Corbett Barr</span></h2><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Five years ago I was pushing 40 and miserable. I weighed about 270lbs and couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of my life with me. Here is what I would say, but she wont hear the words. </span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I know you're miserable and that you hate your life. I know that you trudge along and put up a good front, but you are wishing you were someone else. You have to know that you are loved deeply by your family and friends. They think that you are a patient and loving mother and doting wife, but you don't see yourself that way. You can be those things. You can be happy and healthy, you just have to do some work first. You need to heal your Spirit. You need to unchain your Spirit. It is being held tightly in a hidden place within you and she needs to shine.</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You don't think that you deserve to be happy, but everyone deserves happiness. Everyone deserves to live their life in Joy. You deserve all these loving children that you have. You deserve this wonderful man who you say saved your life. Your life has value. Your happiness is your choice, though. You could stop blaming everyone and everything for your miserable life and just choose today as the day that you take back control. You decide. </span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You can walk away from the inner bully that you live with. Just show her the door. She'll go away, but you have to ask her to go and you have to mean it. You have a bright and shiny Spirit and you deserve to get to know her. I love you."</span></i></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I'm having a hard time with the second part of this prompt. I have no idea who I'm going to be in 5 years. As far as I'm concerned, I'll be speaking to the person I am right now. Yes, I'll have some more life experiences, and I hope that I will be much wiser. So I struggle with what I would want to say other than,</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>"Stay true to who you are and keep showing others that a bright and shiny life is possible. Keep on the path and live joyfully and loudly. Keep loving with your heart wide open. Most of all, though, Keep it Shiny!!"</i></span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><br />
</i></span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Just my thoughts.</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="border-collapse: collapse; color: #505050; line-height: 21px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-size: 15px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><em>This has been day</em> <em>#8 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details <a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/" style="color: #542a6e; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: #5e2285;"><span>here</span></span></a>.</em></span></span></div>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-79832768598068531402011-06-06T22:26:00.000-05:002011-06-06T22:26:49.203-05:00Day 7 - #Trust30 writing challenge<em>Our arts, our occupations, our marriages, our religion, we have not chosen, but society has chosen for us. We are parlour soldiers. We shun the rugged battle of fate, where strength is born. – Ralph Waldo Emerson</em><br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Day 7 prompt</span></strong><br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Matt Cheuvront - Dare To Be Bold</span></strong><br />
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<em>“Next to Resistance, rational thought is the artist or entrepreneurs worst enemy. Bad things happen when we employ rational thought, because rational thought comes from the ego. Instead, we want to work from the Self, that is, from instinct and intuition, from the unconscious.</em><br />
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<em>A child has no trouble believing the unbelievable, nor does the genius or the madman. Its only you and I, with our big brains and our tiny hearts, who doubt and overthink and hesitate.” - Steven Pressfield, Do the Work</em><br />
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">The idea of “being realistic” holds all of us back. From starting a business or quitting a job to dating someone who may not be our type or moving to a new place – getting “real” often means putting your dreams on hold.</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">Today, let’s take a step away from rational thought and dare to be bold. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to accomplish but have been afraid to pursue? Write it down. Also write down the obstacles in your way of reaching your goal. Finally, write down a tangible plan to overcome each obstacle.</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">The only thing left is to, you know, actually go make it happen. What are you waiting for?</span></em><br />
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I really need to stop saving these for the evening. Its getting harder to put my all into it when I'm tired from a long day, but here goes. <strong>What is something I've always wanted to accomplish but have been too afraid to pursue?</strong> Hmm...... Just one thing? Ah, what the hell, I'm just going to say it. I've always wanted to be a real writer. I want to write a book. There! I said it. I wrote it! Or rather, I typed it. I'll write it down when I'm done here.<br />
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<strong>Obstacles in my way?</strong> Me, me and me. Yup! I'm the only thing that stands in my way. If I stepped out of the way I could work on things like learning how to write. (I guess its a good idea to have good grammar and punctuation skills.) I lack these things, but they aren't obstacles. I can improve those skills. I can learn anything that I need to learn to be a writer. However, not if I am standing in the doorway blocking the entrance. Remove my fear and I can do anything.<br />
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So that brings me to <strong>a tangible plan to overcome these obstacles</strong>. Easy peasy. Step down out of the way. Quit blocking the door so that I can step through it and see what becoming a real writer looks and feels like. I know it will be a lot of work and it will take time, but I've got time and I can do the work. I just got goosebumps. How exciting to know that I can do anything. <br />
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When I let myself. <br />
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Just my thoughts.<br />
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<span><em>This has been day</em> </span><em><span>#5 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details </span><a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/"><span style="color: #5e2285;"><span>here</span></span></a>.</em>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-15485685669435602922011-06-05T22:29:00.000-05:002011-06-05T22:29:10.748-05:00Day 6 - #Trust30 writing challenge<span style="font-size: large;"><em><span style="font-size: small;">Life wastes itself while we are preparing to live. – Ralph Waldo Emerson</span></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><strong>Day 5 prompt</strong></span><br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Jonathan Mead - Come Alive</span></strong><br />
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<em><span style="font-size: large;">If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.</span></em><br />
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This prompt is not doing anything for me today. Maybe its because I've had a very busy Sunday with my family and I'm exhausted. Or maybe I'm already living and don't feel like I need to prepare to live. Sure, if I had a week to live my days would probably look different. I would probably be seeing a lot of family and friends. I would probably write a ton of letters of farewell to all of the beautiful souls that I've met out there in cyberspace. I would probably spend a lot of time sitting in my back yard communing with my mystical oak tree. <br />
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There would be some moments of deep pain as I try to prepare my children for my departure. There would be long talks about what I believe happens when the Spirit leaves the body. I suppose if I were to change anything about how I'm living my life right now, it would be to have those kinds of conversations with the Littles now. Just to avoid the time spent trying to explain it with only a week left.<br />
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I really dislike writing these kinds of posts. Because we all know that there are things that we could probably do to live our lives more joyfully. I'm just beginning to work on an area of my life that dims my shiny, so I know that I have room for improvement. My problem with this prompt is that I don't think that I need to prepare to live. I am living. Two years ago this prompt would have stirred me and probably been beneficial, but today it just seems kind of boring. <br />
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I know how to experience joy in my living. I am drawn toward helping others experience joy in their living as well.<br />
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Just my thoughts.<br />
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<span><em>This has been day</em> </span><em><span>#5 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details </span><a href="http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/"><span style="color: #5e2285;"><span>here</span></span></a>.</em>Jillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.com0