Friday, August 27, 2010

August is hard for me

I hate it when I take big breaks from posting, because I never seem to know how to begin again.  I feel like I should be all apologetic and go into a big, long reason for my absence.  Truth be told, I just haven't felt like sharing.  August has been a difficult month for me for the past 3 years.  I always seem to come unglued for part of the month because it marks the last month of summer with the Littles.  It reminds me that soon some of them will be off to school.  I say some, because 2 of the 4 school-age Littles homeschool.  This will be the 3rd year that there will be a "first day of school" in our house.  I have to admit that it is definitely easier than the first year, but it still leaves an empty space in my heart.  It still makes me kick myself for putting them in school in the first place.  If I hadn't put them in school, 2 of them would never had decided they liked it. 

However, since beating myself up has lost its charm for me, I have gotten better at letting them go.  It doesn't have the same effect it did 3 years ago.  I gained 75 lbs that year.  I was an emotional wreck, who was convinced that I had damaged my children by homeschooling them.  The 2nd year I was pretty sure that I was damaging them by keeping them IN school.  When 2 of them decided at Winter break that they did not want to return, I breathed a collective sigh of relief.  I was getting my children back.  I was sure that the other 2 would come to their senses before the summer was through.

Alas, the summer is winding down, and the other 2 are still excited about starting school next month.  I am just as relieved as I am disappointed.  I am happy that they are getting a good experience in school.  I like that they will be happy to go.  I am disappointed because it means a lot of driving for me and a lot of homework battles.  I'm not going to go off on a rant about the evils of homework, but it is a very sore spot with me.  That being said, I have been good about keeping my disappointment to myself.  I don't share that with the Littles.  Its not what they need to hear.  I can be supportive and encouraging even though my heart is heavy. 

So even though this month has not been good emotionally for me, it is not as dark as it has been the last 2.  I am hopeful that the Littles in school will be happy there.  If they decide that it is not working for them, they can come home just as their siblings did.  I trust them to know what is working and what is not.  I trust my connection with them, to know if they are struggling.

In a little less than 2 weeks, they will be off to school.  Ironically, their first day is also my birthday.  I guess I'll have to treat myself extra special this birthday to compensate for whatever pain I may experience that day.  I'm looking forward to seeing how well I can spoil myself. 

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Addiction revisited

So it seems that I am being revisited by my old friend food addiction.  I don't have a very typical view on food addiction. I posted my take on it here

When I came out of the 12-step recovery program for food addiction, I was completely defeated by food.  Food had me in its grip like it never had before.  I put a lot of blame on the 12-step program.  The shame and guilt that that particular program focused on felt like the reason I fell into relapse. 

Here's my take on that now.  I don't think that the program put me into relapse.  I fell into relapse because I wasn't really getting recovery.  I was simply working a program and burying the dis-ease that made me overeat in the first place.  I buried that dis-ease deep. 

So when I slipped, I slipped hard.  I fell and I could not get myself back up and stay up. I was told that I would be doomed without the program and I believed it.  I was too ashamed to go to meetings, knowing that I had relapsed.  So I just gave up.  So the program didn't make me relapse, but in my mind, the program was keeping me from another chance of recovery.

Here is what I need to stay recovered.  I need to know that I am not damaged goods.  I need to be able to know, in my heart of hearts, that I am able to choose.  If I am to believe that I can not choose to be free from food than I shall never be recovered.  My Spirit wants to be happy, joyous and free.  My Spirit doesn't want to be pushed aside and told that I am a hopeless case and that food will eventually kill me.  My Spirit wants to show me that I am a beautiful, shining soul and that I have what it takes to heal.

So if I know all this then why does food seem to be tempting me more?  Why do I find myself turning to food for ease and comfort?  Why do I find myself wondering where I'm going to get my next fix of sugar?  Here's why.

Because I need to heal.  Yes, I said that right.  I need to heal.  I have to heal some buried dis-ease in my Spirit right now.  My response to stress and pain is to pick up food.  The difference this time is that I know that I need to heal a wound right now.  I'm not into the food because there is something wrong with me, I'm into the food because there is something wrong within me.  There is some form of healing that needs to manifest and the pain of facing this healing is putting me in a vulnerable position.

Practicing Reiki has been a gift that I have given myself.  Reiki heals the body, mind and spirit.  Wherever the healing needs to happen is where Reiki does the most good.  At this point in my life I have some healing to do.  I have been getting some pretty obvious signs from the Universe that food is taking over again.  It is my belief that Reiki is helping me to recognize those signs and not disregard them.  In the past I wouldn't have even noticed.  I would have simply put on my blinders and jumped into food and misery.

So yes, I see myself struggling with food right now.  I also see it as a message that I am going into some heavy healing.  The joy is that I see this.  I see that I am picking up food instead of going within and letting the Divine lead me.  Does knowing this mean I'll stop eating crap food?  It definitely helps, but I still need to be careful and be aware of where my thoughts are going.  I will not search out the nearest 12-step meeting, but I will reach out to my friends and family for help.  I will be hopeful and thankful that I can make it through all the yuck that is coming to the surface.

I am blessed.  I am blessed because I have the awareness and the ability to see that I am walking on thin ice.  It could be very easy for me to give in to this addictive behavior like I have in the past.  I will not, however, because I know that recovery for me is a choice.  I get to choose what happy, joyous and free looks like.  I get to listen to my Spirit and let it shine.  I get to heal.

I would like to say that if you find yourself struggling with this, please reach out to someone.  Reach out to me.  We can all use a little love and support.  If your support system leads to feelings of shame and guilt then change your support system.  I can be reached at jklenzmeier (at) frontiernet (dot) net.  I would love to hear from you.

Just my thoughts.