Friday, May 18, 2012

Mothering my way

I have recently been dealing with doubts about my ability to mother properly.  Wishing I could start over and do things differently, but realizing that I probably wouldn't do things differently.  Feeling like a lazy, selfish mother who doesn't like being bothered by the needs of others.  Well, I remembered something today.  I remembered the struggles that Baby Little had to deal with when she came into this world.  I remembered how she was a "failure to thrive" baby and how the doctors told me, "This baby will never be able to nurse."  I remembered the months and months of perseverance, where I tried EVERYTHING to make nursing work for her.  How I was bound and determined to prove those doctors wrong.  (I still snicker to myself when I think of how the doctors were wrong and she nursed till she was 4.)  I remembered the months and months of crying and the miles of pacing I did with her. All this reminded me that I am not a lazy mother.  When the going gets tough, I step up and do what needs to be done.

I don't have to do everything and be everything for my children.  My undying love for them will carry them and lead them to be loving and caring as well.  I may not be a playful parent, but they know that my lack of playfulness has nothing to do with them.  It is just who I am.  I may not be the most affectionate parent, but they know that when they need me I am ready with open arms.

I acknowledge that my criticisms about my parenting have come from me.  There is no one in my life that has voiced an opinion on my parenting skills.  I am my worst critic.  I let go of all of the expectations that I brought into this life with me regarding mothering.  I am seeing myself as a mother today.  I am intelligent and caring enough to know what my children need.  I am confident and strong enough to know when society is blowing smoke in my face about what a "good" mother looks like.

I'm a mom everyday.  Have been for 24 years, 1 month and 4 days.  I think I've got this one.