Wednesday, February 24, 2010

LOL!! And I'm not talking about laughing.

I have a heavy heart today. Heavy because I am disappointed. I am disappointed in my lack of being able to Love Out Loud.  My heart is full of Love. I extend that Love to many, many people each day in my meditation.  I feel my heart center opening with each release of this Love.  Yet, I struggle to share this Love Out Loud.  I feel uncomfortable when I know someone is hurting because I'm afraid I'm not going to say or do the right thing.  I regress back to a time when I didn't feel good enough.  When I felt I was of no value.

I know that I am good enough and that I have value, but for whatever reason, I have a difficult time with expressing Love directly with those I care about.  Namely, my family.  I seem to pull pack and just let my relationships slide.  I am quick to get angry with the Littles and Mr. Man over meaningless things.  I still give my Love to my family members, but it is all on an Energy level.  I think they need more than that.  I think they deserve more than that.  My siblings need more communication and connection from me.  My Littles and Mr. Man need more patience and kindness from me.

I'm not expecting myself to be perfect here.  I know that I can not be everything for everyone.  I know there are going to be days when I am cranky or dealing with my friend, SAD.  On those days, I will not be my best person.  I will make plenty of apologies, but on all the other days, I could be more gentle, more open, more Loving. 

My struggle and the reason I have a heavy heart is that I don't know how to make myself do these things.  They should come naturally, shouldn't they?  Shouldn't all this Love that I feel in my heart & soul be expressable on a physical level and not just through energy?  Am I broken?  Can I be fixed?  I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but I know I will find them.  The Divine will answer each of my questions at just the right time.  I hope the time is now, but I also know I can't force an answer.  Forced answers are usually wrong answers.

It took me unintentionally hurting someone near and dear to me to get me really focusing on this issue.  I don't want to hurt the people I Love.  I only want them to know that I Love them always, even if I am not talking to them on a regular basis.  Even when I bite their heads off because they interrupted something I was doing.  I just need to figure this whole Loving Out Loud thing before I push all of my loved ones away.

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Fear Cocoons

So, this picture seems very disturbing to me, but it portrays exactly what it feels like to live in a fear cocoon.  I tried watching the show Hoarders last night.  It stirred up so much emotional pain for me that I really couldn't watch much of it.  My heart went out to those people whos lives are being paraded in front of the masses.  I know that they agreed to do the show, but the pain, shame and guilt are still very obvious.

I think the reason that I got so emotionally pained by watching the show has a lot to do with my own 'hoarding' tendencies.  I am by no means living the way that they are.  I don't collect garbage, but I still have a lot of 'stuff' that I hold on to.  When I went through my decluttering back in August, I saw just how attached to stuff I was.  It was hard.  It was painful.  It was also freeing.  I didn't watch the end of the show, so I don't know if the people felt the freedom that I felt after my little bit of decluttering. 

I'm guessing that they did not feel freedom.  I'm guessing that they said they felt better, but really, they felt naked and scared and vulnerable.  People that hoard do if for a reason.  Not because they are lazy, or pigs.  Not because they learned it from their parents.  They do it for security.  They make themselves a protective cocoon of 'collections'.  They hold on to things because they don't feel they have anything else to keep them hidden.  Their lives are controlled by fear.  They turn that fear into one big cocoon.  A fear cocoon.

When my life was controlled by fear, I overate and I cluttered.  I hid behind my body and my 'stuff'.  I had my own fear cocoon.  I have released the fear, I have made my peace with food and I have released many of the personal belongings that I was hiding behind.  I still have work to do here.  I still have a lot of 'stuff' to release, but its different this time.  I'm not afraid of the task at hand.  I am not feeling vulnerable or shameful.  I have hope and love on my side this time.  I have the support of my Shining Spirit and the Divine.  That's all anyone really needs.  I know that I also have support from family and friends, but none of that support means anything, if I don't have support from within.

Before I turned Hoarders off, I reached out to them.  I sent out as much Love from my heart that I could.  I cried for them and embraced them.  I don't know if my little individual release of Love reached them, but I know that I had to do it.  For them, for me, for all those people out there that hide themselves in a fear cocoon of clutter and garbage.

I am blessed with the ability to now let go of the 'stuff' I have.  Today I plan to spend a little extra time in meditation and send that blessing out to the world.  Maybe you could help and send some strength and hope along with me. Thank you.

Just my thoughts.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Search

The Search

She was searching.  Searching for something that was always out of her reach.  All she wanted was to be good enough.  All she wanted was to be beautiful.  All she wanted was to be loved.  She was searching.

She looked to others to validate that she was good enough.  She looked to others to see her beauty.  She looked to others to give her love.  Yet her search continued on for what seemed to be a lifetime.

Then she met a wise, old woman, who told her where she could find all that she was looking for.  This wise woman told her to go to a mirror and stand in front of it with her eyes closed.  There she would find what she was so desperately searching for.

She walked away from the wise woman feeling disappointment.  How could she possibly find these things in a mirror with her eyes closed?  That's when she heard the voice.  It said one word. "Trust."

So she did as she was told.  She stood before the mirror and closed her eyes.  Nothing.  Where was the answer? The voice said, "Trust."

She stood there for many minutes.  Still nothing.  This isn't working.  "Trust."

Many more minutes followed.  Just as she was ready to give up and curse the wise woman, she saw a face.  It was her face.  Then she saw a whole person.  The person looked like her, but she was beautiful and Divine.

She asked, "Who are you?"

The voice retuned and said, "I am you."

"Can you help me find all that I am searching for?"

"I can."

"Please, share your wisdom with me!"

This Most Divine person that was her, told her that there was only one who could end her search.  Only one that could make her feel good enough, and beautiful and loved.

"Who? Who is it!!" she pleaded.

The voice said, "Open your eyes."

"I can't.  What if its just me looking back?"


So she opened her eyes.  She opened her eyes and she saw herself.  And she was good enough and she was beautiful and she was loved.

I hope that you can open your eyes, so that you can be good enough and beautiful and loved.  Trust the Divine you.

Just my thoughts.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

SAD isn't so up & down for me.

I am in the company of SAD today (a.k.a. Seasonal Affective Disorder).  I have struggled with SAD for as long as I can possibly remember.  Winters have often been dark for me.  I have to admit, however, that over these last few years, and particularly this last year, my time spent with SAD has been lessened. 

I have come to recognize when SAD is at my door.  It starts out with a nagging sense of something not being right.  Just a feeling.  Like I'm happy, but not happy.  Down, but not completely out.  This is completely different from times past with SAD.  That looked more like a deep, dark black hole that I had fallen into and couldn't get out for days weeks at a time.  While in the black hole, I would try desperately to "act as if" nothing was wrong, which made me fall deeper in.

My poor family, friends and co-workers had to deal with me being up one day and down the next.  I was on a constant see-saw of up & down.  Of course, I didn't recognize any of this and I certainly wouldn't have cared even if I did.  I usually grabbed on to SAD and held on to it tight.  I had a crappy life and I deserved to have bad days.  At least that's what my mind told me.  It only got worse when I realized that what I experienced had a name and was actually a disorder.  My mind loved that.  Now I could be a mess of darkness and it was ok.

Well, it wasn't ok.  Imagine what it must have been like for my family.  They usually got the brunt of my dark moods.  My precious Littles had no clue what to expect from me day to day.  We were together ALL the time and I'm not so sure they were always feeling safe and secure.  I know they loved the ups, but I'm sure the downs probably left them feeling like they were in a black hole also.

Things are completely different now.  Yes, SAD still affects me.  Yes, I still have days when I'm feeling down.  I deal with those days honestly now.  I don't try to poo poo them away and pretend that they don't exist.  I come right out and tell my family that I am feeling a bit sad and I need some time to allow myself to feel the sadness.

I consider myself a rather introverted person.  Because of this I find myself withdrawing from people when this sadness appears.  Not because I don't want people to see me down.  Not because I am trying to hide the fact that this shiny mama's "Shiny" is a little on the dim side.  It is because I know that in order for me to ensure that SAD doesn't hang around I need to just be with "me".  I need to spend time in quiet.  I can't be completely in solitude because I have the Littles here, but they really respect my need for quiet.  I don't ask for it unless I really need it.  So when I do they honor that.  I am blessed having them here.

I am also blessed with a wonderful network of friends and family that understand my need to be with myself.  One thing I have learned over this past year, is that the person that I truely am is generally a happy, shiny person.  I love feeling that shine within. I have connected with that part of me and I am able to see when it starts to dim.  Spending time with me is just like spending time with any dear friend.

In addition to connecting with my Spirit I also make sure that whatever room I am in is brightly lit.  I light a lot of candles at night.  I play happy, upbeat music.  I tackle a project that I know will make me smile to get it done.  I read a book that I have been putting off reading.  I drink extra water.  I also sit myself down in front of a window and I look outside and search for beauty.  There is beauty all around me in this white wonderland I live in.  Finding that beauty fills me with gratitude. 

So I am grateful for SAD, for giving me the opportunity to spend some quality time with a very dear friend.  For letting me see that I need to focus on myself and honor "me".  I am also grateful that there are no more severe ups and downs.  Maybe just a small dip here and there.

I am not trying to say in anyway that SAD is an easy thing to conquer.  It can be quite severe and debilitating.  Many people need help to live with it.  I used to be one of those people.  I know how scary and dark it can be.  If you are struggling please reach out to family, friends and professionals that can help.  We all deserve to shine bright and whatever we need to do to get there is important.

Just my thoughts.