Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Back to school

Yes, that time of year is coming fast. On Sept. 1st my 4 youngest littles will be off to school. Little #6 will be in preschool for the first time. For littles 3,4 & 5 this will be their second year in school. They were homeschooled up until last Fall. I will never forget last September. That is when my life fell to pieces. I thought that sending the kids to school would be good for them, and it was, but for me it was very traumatic. I plunged into a self-imposed hell. I began to slowly climb my way out in January, but since I had immersed myself deep in the comfort of food, I had gained 70 lbs by the end of the school year.

From January till now, I have become a completely different person. I have awakened from a life of fear and self-hate to a life of love and acceptance. I no longer feel that I am nothing without my kids. I am a worthy and lovable soul. My spirit has been set free from captivity. You can read about that experience here.

As I look back on my motives of homeschooling I see that I used my kids as a crutch. I was so fearful of what I would do when they were out of the house, that I chose to keep them home. Captive in a way. I didn't think that I could do anything, but be a mother. I didn't even think that I could do that very well, but it was better than trying to find a job when I felt I had no skills. Just as fear led me to homeschool, fear also led me to put the kids in school. Fear that I was not a good enough teacher and that I was damaging my children.

I am a free spirited person now. I no longer feel that fear is waiting at my door ready to bust it open. I am not dreading the kids going back to school. I have had an incredible summer with them. Honestly this feels like the first summer with them. I am so present and joyful. We really haven't done anything super exciting, but we have been free spirits together. I will miss that once the school routine has begun, but I will be ok.

I have decided that I, too, will go back to school. I will be exploring the world of either Holistic Health or Holistic Ministries. Not sure which one yet. I'm not sure when I will begin, but it will be in the next couple of months. I'm not going to school to get a fabulous career. I am going to see what will help me to be the best me I can be. I'm going because the thought of going makes my spirit shine bright. I'm taking my journey in a new direction to see where I'll come out. I like the direction that my life is going and I love that I have no idea where I will end up. Where ever I land is exactly where I need to be. The miracle is that I am doing this with no fear. Nervous excitement, yes. Fear, no.

Is there something that your spirit is longing to try? Is fear standing in your way? Tell it to step aside. Go in a different direction and see where you come out.

Just my thoughts.


Stark Raving Zen said...

Cheers to Spirit tantrums and Birmingham Alabama... ;)

Jan said...

You invite us into such a lovely journey of freedom, Jill. Very exciting that might pursue a career in holistic health, one of my passions, I might add. I am so glad you are moving beyond any fears that you have. Fear is such a great paralyzer, and right now we all need all the movement and freedom we can get! Enjoy some empty nest time soon!

mamaof6 said...

SRZ - Yes!! Birmingham here I/we come. I'm so glad you are finally listening to me. tee hee.

Jan - Movement and freedom is a perfect description of what I am embracing. Thank you for letting me share this journey with you. I really appreciate your comments.

Christine said...

Holistic Health or Holistic Ministries both sound really interesting. I look forward to hearing how it goes!

Something I'm longing to try but afraid of doing?...having kids!

septembermom said...

Jill, that's an exciting decision for you! I know that you will enjoy pursuing a new field. I understand your fear for letting your children go. I celebrate with you now that you feel free and ready to "spread your wings". Good luck and hugs!

Lance said...

This is so awesome, your journey over the last six months - and to what lies ahead of you. The truth is, it's not about money or prestige - it's about doing something that has deep meaning for YOU. And that's sure what it sounds like - your spirit shining!

Kids can become such a part of our life - especially since they are our 24/7 sometimes when they're little. And separating can be hard... That's okay, though. We learn from these experiences, and life really does go on.

So good to read this today Jill...enjoy the remaining days of summer with your kids!

Zeenat{Positive Provocations} said...

Jill, Your journey is an inspiration to us all. You just keep shining and pursue anything you want and Your spirit will help you succeed.
Am excited so for you!!

Zeenat said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mamaof6 said...

Christine - Having kids can seem scary, but so worth it. I hope that they will be in your future.

Septembermom - Thanks for the good luck and hugs. It IS fun to finally 'spread my wings'.

Lance - Thank you for taking the time to comment. I think I am so excited to go back to school because it's NOT about money or prestige. Any time in the past that I thought about going back, it was to eventually have a career. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, so I just didn't try. This time I am going strictly for personal growth and it feels attainable.

mamaof6 said...

Zeenat - Thank you for sharing in my excitement. Knowing that others can see what makes the spirit shine is such a comfort.

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

What an honest and moving post. I always feel the urge to thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It's incredible, and helps me learn more about myself.

Congratulations on going back to school, too! That sounds awesome!

As for what I want to try... honestly, it's being in a full-time, close-proximity, very real romantic relationship. I've spent the last few years by myself, and have always been fiercely independent. But I know I've also been hiding a bit. My track record with romance wouldn't win me any prizes! However, there's a guy I love with all my heart who loves me back... and guess what? He's just like me --- afraid to give up independence. But come August 20 when he returns from being overseas, we're giving it a-go. God help us, and keep our fears at bay while we try to be open, honest and free with each other.
I hope we can be as bold as you, Jill!

Jan said...

Hi Jill,

Happy Saturday and congratulations! You are the winner of my Starbucks Coffee Card Giveaway!

Would you please email me with your snail mail address so I can send it to you? Perhaps when the little ones go back to school you can treat yourself to quiet morning and have a latte on me!

mamaof6 said...


I'm so glad that you are allowing yourself to be in a relationship that can feed your spirit. Yes, relationships are scary. I went through too many to count before I met my dear partner.

All you need to do is keep yourselves open, honest and free. Living as a free spirit is awesome. Sharing it with another is the ultimate freedom.

Good luck to you, JoyGirl.

Caroline said...

This is such an inspirational post! Good for you to let go and do something for you (and your kids). You are a wonderful brave soul! Enjoy the freedom and have fun exploring!

mermaid said...

Jill, you are so brave. It is our own fear and doubt in ourselves that keeps us stumbling on our path. Your journey is so beautiful, but fragile as well. Please be gentle.