This song is my absolute fav right now. It has been going through my head for days and will be with me while I begin this huge decluttering project. There IS beauty in the world and I will feel it all the more as I lessen my clutter load.
I was going to play this song over and over as I work, but I would be too busy dancing to get anything done. :)
Just my thoughts.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A year later my basement is overflowing with boxes of excess stuff. I have 3 rooms to go through and the task feels like too much to handle. I know I can do it. I have proven that I have the strength to do this. My struggle is in getting started. I find myself getting very excited about having those 3 extra rooms cleared out, but as soon as I commit to getting started my feet suddely feel like 50 lb weights and I can't get myself to go down those stairs.
What lies down there is just clutter. It is just stuff that my family and I really don't use or need. I don't even know what is in half the boxes. Part of me wants to just haul the boxes out, unopened, to the curb. Part of me wants to go through every item in every box and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something important. I often find myself saying, "But, Jill, if its so important why has it been moved from box to box and room to room for so many years?" I have no answer for that question, just a sheepish grin.
Something else lies down in my basement. Something that has been following me around for most of my life. I have managed to keep it at bay for awhile now, but have never managed to release it completely. In my basement lies Shame and Guilt. Everytime I try to get anything done down there I am overcome by their presence. I don't want to hang out with them so I scurry back upstairs. Magically, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs I am free from them.
But I won't be truly free from Shame and Guilt until I release them. I am holding on to them through all of my clutter. I am a master at burying things. I often have a pile of papers and things on my kitchen island. I know exactly where everything is there. I know exactly where Shame and Guilt are. I have strategically buried them amongst the clutter in my basement.
I am on a path to healing right now. I am getting stronger and stronger each new day. I know that Shame and Guilt's days are numbered. Here I am a year later and getting ready to once again begin a massive decluttering project. I still feel overwhelmed, scared and exhilarated. I still feel a heaviness come over me when I try to commit to a start date.
Its time. Its time to begin. Beginning is hard for me. Sometimes I have to begin many times, before I really get started. Maybe beginning won't be hard for me this time. Maybe I'll march downstairs, tell Shame and Guilt to get the hell out of my way, and just dive right in. It could happen. I'm in a different place now. I have tapped into an amazing healing energy that I didn't have last year. I am a much stronger woman than I was back then. I have some things I didn't have then. I have Respect and Pride and Love for myself. I have Confidence and Strength. I have Joy and Patience. I have quite the arsenal to bring downstairs when I go up against Shame and Guilt. They are cowering down there, waiting to be cast out.
Yeah, I think maybe I can do this.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 9:52 AM
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thats when I lost her. Thats when she tuned me out. Her eyes glazed over and she just looked away. It was like I was looking at myself at her age in the mirror. I too could not bring myself to be a friend to me. I too struggled with keeping friends. Everytime I walked away from another friend it hardened my heart a little more. I blamed the friend for leaving me, but in reality it was I that was doing the leaving. I didn't think I deserved to have friends, so I made sure that I didn't have too many.
I often think about the friends that I have walked away from in my life. Some of them would probably not give me the time of day today. Some of them would joyfully accept me back into their lives. I have reconnected with some old friends over the past year, and I believe that the only reason that I was able to do that was because I friended myself. By loving myself unconditionally it helped me to return that love to friends lost.
I have also made some very special new friends in the last few years. Opening up my heart to myself was what I needed to make the kind of friends I have right now. If you feel good about yourself, you attract people who also feel good about you. If you don't respect yourself you will attract people that also have no respect for you. I knew this for years before I was actually able to do anything about it. People would tell me the same thing I told #1 Little. And as soon as they said those words, "you have to be a friend to yourself first", my eyes would glaze over and I would look away. I knew full well that that was not possible.
Its possible today. Today I am able to love the me that I am. When the Spirit is allowed to shine and be free, self-love can blossom. When I stopped listening to the lies in my head and started living my life on my terms I became a conduit for Love. I finally became a true friend.
Its my hope that Not-so-Little #1 doesn't wait till she's 40 to friend herself. That is a miserable life to live. I wish I could say that its so simple. Just accept yourself and live your life joyfully. It sounds simple, but its not. Its not easy if you've got your Spirit hidden. The good news is, that once you let your Spirit shine even a little bit, it starts to get easier. You start to experience bits of joy and that leaves you hungry for more.
I believe that we all hold the key to true friendship within us. Even the nastiest of people that we encounter in life hold the key. Just remember that their key is misplaced, not lost, just misplaced. Extending compassion to those angry people could be just what they need to see a glimmer of their shiny.
Is there someone in your life that needs some compassion? Is there someone in your life that needs to friend themself? Could you be a conduit of Love for them?
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 9:58 AM
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
So I came here today, just to see how it would feel to let my thoughts flow. It instantly felt comforting. Like it used to feel when I first started letting my Spirit out of captivity. It has taken me many, many months to get to this point of living freely. I still struggle with days of not listening. Times when I let my ego try to push that voice I hear away. My Spirit is stronger than the ego now. These days its harder to dim my shiny.
I've been through so much emotional & spiritual growth these last few months. I thank the healing art of Reiki for this growth. I have progressed in my Reiki study to a Reiki II. I hesitate to call myself a practitioner, but that is what I am doing. I am practicing Reiki healing, both hands-on and distance healings. I have a dream of practicing Reiki either out of my home or in a peaceful healing room in another location. I have had this dream for some time now, but only recently have I committed to following through with plans to live this dream.
My whole life has been one dream after another, that I have always let go. For the first time in my 40-something years I have a plan and I can see the dream and I'm not letting fear get in my head. I'm taking action. I've tried the lets-just-see-where-things-go thing. This time I'm not just waiting to see what happens. I'm making things happen. I'm doing what needs to be done.
I can't afford to rent a space right now, and my home is not ready for a separate healing room yet. In the past, those two things would have stopped me in my tracks. I would have thrown my hands up and proclaimed that that dream wasn't going to happen either. Today I am busy making preparations to get a space ready in my home to practice Reiki. My family will have to work with me and be patient while I insist that they are quiet during certain times of the day. Sacrifices will be made by all of us, but I am not going to let these small blocks keep me from moving forward.
My call to heal came months ago. I knew that I was a healer. I just didn't know what type of healing I would be called to do. I listened and I waited and I listened some more. I found crystals and Reiki. I am focusing on Reiki, but I use crystals when I feel intuitively that they will benefit me.
I'm not so special. I believe that we are all healers. I believe that we all hold the knowledge that we need to heal at any time. Finding the type of healing that is for us doesn't have to be hard. You just have to let your Spirit guide you to where you need to be. You just have to be willing to let your Light shine. By merely living your joy you are healing. You're healing yourself, which in turn can lead to the healing of others. There's no limit on healing. The more people that do it, the better world we'll have.
So can you get your shine on? Can you accept your healing ability and share it? Just so you know, healing can come in the form of a hug, a smile, comforting words or even a good belly laugh. It doesn't get much easier than that.
If you could pick your very own healing gift what would it be?
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 5:42 PM