Sunday, April 24, 2011

Beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside.

Before you read on, I want you to know something.  I'm not depressed.  I'm not falling apart before your eyes.  I don't hate my life.  However, I do need to embrace all that I experience and I'm just getting to the root of what holds me back.  This space has always been my way of getting my thoughts out of my head and has always helped me in getting to a level of healing that I need.  Its not always pretty, but its my journey and I need to take each step as it comes.

Sometimes it feels like I am not capable of feeling.  I know that I go through the motions.  When I do Reiki for others I know that they are receiving the healing that they are getting, and I love being able to do that for them.  When my kids need a hug, I give them what they need and I know that it helps them and I love being able to that for them.  I know that I will be there for friends and family when they need me and I love being able to be there for them.


I want to feel what they are feeling.  I want to feel the healing energy and the love of a hug and the security of knowing that someone has my back.  I know that I am loved and that I will be supported and taken care of, but I long for the day when I can actually 'feel' this.  You know what I mean?  I want to feel the energy of Love and Joy and Happiness.  I want to feel it in my soul. 

I very often feel like this empty shell.  Like I'm one of those beautifully decorated eggs that if you happen to drop you discover that there is nothing inside.  I am capable of loving and giving, but I struggle with receiving.  There is this block inside of me that is wedged in pretty deep.  It is there because as a child I invited it in.  I felt unsafe and I allowed this part of me to come in so I could be safe.  Unfortunately, sometimes feeling safe meant I needed to close off my ability to feel.   Which meant that as I grew older and had more intense life experiences this part of me had to get stronger and stronger. 

I'm not possessed.  I'm just very much aware of this part of me that has a hard time leaving and staying gone.  Or maybe it IS gone, but I just have to relearn how to feel things.  I don't know.  Its the not knowing that gets to me.  Its not knowing when and if I'm ever going to feel the joy of a child or the intense love of a mother.  Or if I'm ever going to feel the protection and abundance that the Divine has for me. 

I do know that if I don't keep keeping on I will become depressed.  I will fall apart in front of everyone.  I will hate my life.  I've been there before.  I really am one of the lucky ones because I am able to accept myself as a beautiful soul who really does love and live and heal.  I don't let the fact that I still feel empty inside destroy me.  Someday my inside will match my outward appearance.  I will hug people and not feel uncomfortable.  I will know great Joy, and Love and Happiness will resonate through me.  Until that day comes I will continue to walk this path that is in front of me.  I'll take some pit stops on the way and I might even go back a few paces now and then.  I will just keep going and being all that I feel I need to be.

I am very grateful for all the beauty in my life.  I am grateful for my beautiful family and friends.  I am grateful for my home and my back yard.  I am grateful for all the amazing people I have met since I started this healing journey.  I look forward to meeting many, many more.  I am grateful for you.

Keep on keeping on, people.  Keep on trudging through the muck and you'll find your Shiny.  I'm finding mine.

Just my thoughts.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I am that person

So here I sit typing and re-typing what should be a simple blog post.  I haven't been here in awhile and I have a gazillion things to say, but am struggling with where to begin.  So I'm just going to let the words come as they do.

For the longest time I have been searching for something.  Searching for that certain someone that I want to be.  Searching for the real, authentic Jill.  You know those typical questions.  Who am I?  Why am I here? Am I good enough?  Will people still like me when I get real?  Well, they're typical for me anyway. 

I have to admit that the answers to these questions were impossible to find.  Because I was searching for answers outside of myself.  The real, authentic Jill isn't hidden out in the big world.  She's not misplaced anywhere outside of me.  She's not someone that I have to learn to become.  She IS me.

Its so simple.  Its something I find myself telling others a lot.  The person you are is right inside of you.  So how did I get so far off track?  How could I forget the very important message that I know I have shared here many times before?

Here's what happened to me.  I have this small voice that comes and goes.  I've had this voice with me most of my life.  I would bet that many of us have this small voice at some point.  I have tried to remove it several times.  As I said, she comes and she goes.  Whenever I start to travel on a new path this voice gets scared and she feels that she needs to stay small to be safe.  If she's invisible all will be well.  So the voice gets louder.  Loud enough to be heard by me. 

"You're not good enough." 
"You don't know what you're doing." 
"You are too scared to do that." 
"This is too hard."

Those are just some of the thoughts that run through my mind when this voice is trying to keep me small.  So now that that I realize this, what can I do about it?  I can't send it away, I can't tell it to shut up.  It is a part of me.  Its a part of me that is hurt and scared.  It doesn't need to be banished.  It needs to be loved and taken care of.  Ignoring the voice doesn't help, it just gets louder.  I can choose to hear the words and not let them decide for me.  I get to choose where I go and who I am to be.  I get to be big or be small. 

There's another part of me that just wants to shine bright.  Wants to be seen.  She wants to be heard.  She wants to feel peace and joy and self-confidance.  She wants to share this with others.  She wants to be big.  Bigger than that small voice.  That's the person that I am.  That person is whole.  She's proud and she feels energized when she is touching the lives of those around her.  She's authentic.  She doesn't hide behind old patterns and behaviors.  She doesn't act like a hurt teenager.  The first thought that goes through her mind isn't "Will other people like me?"  The first thought that goes through her mind is "Am I being me?"

I am that person.  We are all 'that' person.  That real, authentic person who only wants to shine.  I think that most of us at some point choose to be small.  Fear and pain keep us there.  Choosing to let the fear and pain go allows us to be big.

So I've taken that small voice by the hand and I'm showing it that its time to move beyond the scared teenager.  Its time to grow.  I love growth.  It means that I get to continue on this path that I'm on.  It means that I am going to meet new people and experience new joys.  Will I lose old friends on the way?  Maybe.  Thats ok.  I'm grateful for everybody who has ever been a part of my life.  No matter how long it was.  Its all ok.  As long as I'm that person.

Just my thoughts.