The Unknowing

The unknowing may bring you to your knees.

Leaving you lying there enclosed in pain.

Deep pain that no amount of Love or kind words can heal.

The Unknowing blasts through our fortress of patience and acceptance.

Leaving a path of destruction that can only be mended by walking through it.

Under the rubble lays Hope, Love and our Divine.

The Divine is there patiently waiting to greet us.

Ready to wrap us up in a blanket of Trust and Strength and Divine Love.

Ready to hold us close as we weep.

Ready to take the punches when we’re mad as hell.

Ready to assure us that Hope walks alongside our heavy heart.

The unknowing may bring me to my knees.

My Divine supports me on the way.  

I write this today for a dear friend who is facing this Unknowing.  I hope she finds her way through the rubble.  

I'm a Doodler!!

For as long as I can remember, I have had an aversion to creating anything with my hands.  Not just a typical aversion.  I would have actual anxiety attacks over having to use these two hands to "make" something.  If it was writing, I could do it.  But add crayons, pens, paints, needles to the mix and I was not going to have anything to do with it.  I come from a family of creative souls.  Whether it be painting, drawing, writing or singing, my siblings and mother could do some amazing things with creativity.  Then there was me.  I don't know where this block came from.  It doesn't matter.  I know that I created it and held on tight for my entire life.

A little over a month ago, my good friend and artist, Dawn-Marie deLara (you can find her amazing work here) heard me say that I could not doodle. I admitted to this block that I have had my entire life.  How when I would try to create something it usually ended with me in tears or absolutely angry.  I was a creative mess.  So she challenged me to just sit down and doodle.  For 30 days.  Just doodle and see what comes out.  

I think I may have just laughed at the suggestion, but it did spark my curiosity.  Could I do it?  Could I actually sit down and doodle and not be filled with self-hate and disgust? I pondered for a couple of days.  As I pondered, my Little #5 gently coaxed me to do it.  She was finishing up an art lesson with my amazing artist friend and heard the challenge.  Little #5 is an amazing doodler, as is her oldest sister.  They had the doodle gene that I was sure was missing from me.

Then my pondering just dissolved and I was sitting down one morning doodling! What the hell!! How did that happen? I have no idea.  There have been others in my life who have encouraged me to explore my creative side.  Encouraging me to doodle or draw or just color in a coloring book.  All on deaf ears.  Because I whole heartedly believe that you're not ready until you're ready.  Not a minute sooner.

I guess I was ready because what happened next is nothing short of a miracle.  I made that first doodle and I felt so alive.  I was bursting with energy.  I felt like a little kid.  I wanted to do more.  Out of that excitement and deep desire to share I created 30 Days of Doodle.  It was to be my space to display my doodles to anyone who cared.  Mostly it was my space to showcase my doodles to me.  I wasn't nervous about posting my doodles.  I honestly have no more creative blocks.  I have no embarrassment about people seeing my work.  

My 1st doodle

As a matter of fact, I'll share all of them here.  30 Days of Doodle is for anyone who just needs to play and explore with their inner creativity.  We all have it.  Yours isn't going to look like mine.  My doodles are just that.  Mine.  But I would love to see other doodles there.  My 30 days ended today.  

My 30th doodle

My doodling doesn't end today.  Doodling has become a part of my daily flow now.   It has become a daily practice. Similar to someones meditation or another persons Morning Pages.  I get out of bed each morning eager to see how the days doodle with turn out.  Some I have struggled with.  Most have just flowed from my hand with no thought to where there are going. 

I don't know that I will continue to post every doodle, but I will continue to share those that feel that they need to be shared.  Today I can say with pride, "I am a doodler!"

I hear you knocking at my door

I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to coax me to open up and let you in. I sit in silence and wait for you to go.

I hear you knocking at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence and wonder if I should let you in.

I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken and unsure. I know what happens when the door opens. It happens every time.

You come in and get settled. You keep me a prisoner in my own home. You seduce me with false assurances of safety. You encourage me with lies, to distance myself from all those I love. You make me miserable.

Every. Time.

I hear you knocking at my door. Pounding loudly. Screaming at me to open the door. I sit in silence. Shaken yet strong.

I hear you knocking at my door. Urgently knocking. Begging me to let you in. I sit in silence. Hopeful that you will move on.

I hear you knocking at my door. Gently tapping. Trying to coax me to open up and let you in. I sit in silence as you take leave.

I sit in silence. Safe.

This time….

I dedicate this to all of you out there who have ever dealt with depression, SAD, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear or whatever that "thing" is that turns your world upside down.  May we all see the day when we can just sit in silence and wait for the knocking to stop.