Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Change is hard

Change is hard. To be honest, I have been in and out of a bad mood since Saturday because of changes that I need to make. I don't know if its so much a bad mood, its more of a sad mood. A really dark, sad mood. I am extremely emotional and irritable at the same time. This bad day needs to go away.

Unfortunately I am stuck with it because I have not yet embraced this bad day. I have not yet looked my bad day in the face and said "I know that you're a bad day, and I know what you're trying to do." Normally I would follow that statement up with, "and it's not going to work." However, I am holding on to this bad day. Why would anyone choose to do that? Fear. Fear is what keeps me in this darkness.

My intuition is telling me that I have some changes to make and if I don't make them soon there will be some life-altering consequences. I'm afraid of these changes, and I'm afraid of the potential consequences. Today I battle with which I'm more afraid of. Since I'm stuck in this dark mood, I obviously am more afraid of the changes. Which explains my inability to do anything about it. It also explains this uneasy feeling in my stomach and my lower back & ankle pain and my recurring headaches. It also explains why I can't bring myself to post any comments on the fabulous blogs that I normally follow.

So now I have no other choice, but to go within and let my spirit speak. My ego has a tendency to get in the way of my joy. My ego doesn't want me to speak my truth. I can't be joyful if there are parts of my being that no longer serve me. The spirit says to embrace those parts of my 'self' that help me to shine and to accept that the dark parts exist. Those things that dim my spirit are still a part of who I am, so it is hard to just change. I know that I am light and I am dark. I do not believe that anybody can be all light. So my spirit says to just be. Just be my truest self and the light will always outshine the dark.

The changes that I need to make are an opportunity for me to shine a little brighter. They are a chance for me to get a little further down my path of spiritual awakening. They are a chance for me to live my life joyfully and truthfully.

Change is hard, but not being who I truly long to be is harder. I choose change.

See ya bad day.

Just my thoughts.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Gone in a flash

So I sat down today to write a potentially awesome blog about what it means to me to be a shiny person. I have been feeling incredibly shiny these last few weeks and really wanted to try to share that.

Then I heard the commotion in the bathroom. The sink was clogged, the toilet was clogged and Little #6 was in the tub having a 'lets see how much water I can splash on the floor' contest.

As I attempted to unclog the toilet with the plunger, I was splashed in the face. All of my shiny energy was gone in a shiny flash. Replaced with an abundance of frustration and plain old anger. Little #6 heard mommy say some not so shiny words. Cleaning the bathroom did NOT bring me back to shinyville. I became more and more frustrated and resentful. Of course, in the height of my frustration, every one of the littles suddenly needed something. All I really wanted to do was scream. I think I'll do it now. AAARRRGGGGGG!!!!!! (Deep breath) Ok. I feel a little better.

How can I go from a state of joyfulness and peace to anger and darkness so quickly? For crying out loud, I just changed my Twitter username to shiny_me. I was just going to start pouring my heart out about how joyful and at peace I was. I am seeing some humor in this. I think I'm getting a little Divine Guidance here.

This is my wake up call that I have some inner work to do. It is time to go within and see what has happened. Am I not being true to myself in some aspect? Am I once again pretending that all in well when maybe it is not? These are hard questions, but I am guided to ask them so that I can once again shine brightly. I have had my spirit in captivity most of my life. I do not want to do that any longer, so I have to continue to give my spirit a voice. I have a feisty spirit. She does not like to be stifled. So I am going to listen for awhile. I'm going to wrap myself in trust. I am going to allow that voice to say what it needs to say.

As I was writing this I looked out my window and saw my friend, the gray catbird, that has been following me around lately. I really try to listen to nature and hear what it is trying to tell me. So I looked up what the catbird totem is.

What I found was very interesting. It symbolizes language and communication. The appearance of the catbird can mean you will be encountering a wider range of people than you are normally in contact with. It can also mean that I should look for new people coming into my life that will teach me lessons in my ability to communicate.

I am very open to lessons on my ability to communicate. Maybe these lessons will come from within or maybe from another blogger or maybe from my littles. I don't know yet, but I will know when the lesson is offered.

One more thing about the catbird. Its presence should caution you to be extra careful about what you say and to whom. Hmmm. Maybe I shouldn't be posting this? lol

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

To my Uncle Doug

This world lost a beautiful soul today. My uncle Doug passed on early this morning and I would just like to share a few thoughts.

Dearest Uncle Doug,

I did not see you very often, even though we only lived a couple hours apart, but every time we got together you were so full of love and acceptance. You were such a strong, passionate man. When you laughed I had to join in because your laugh was so big and joyful.

I will miss you Uncle Doug, but I am so blessed to have known you. I am so blessed to have been loved by you. I am thankful that you no longer have to suffer and that your spirit shines a little brighter today.

I will love you forever.


Just my thoughts

Saturday, July 18, 2009

This is me

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone today and posting a picture of myself. Actually it is not that big of a step. However, a few months ago it would have been a huge leap. I have struggled with seeing myself in pictures since childhood. I hated getting my picture taken. As I grew older it became a source of anxiety for me. If I knew that I was going to have to be in a picture I would be a nervous wreck.

I have no idea why I hated being in pictures as a child. As an adult I thought it was because I was overweight. Whenever I saw myself in a photo or on video I was disgusted. In 2006 I began a weightloss journey which lead me to a 120lb weight loss. Picture taking problem solved? Nope. I still hated seeing myself in photos. I would find any little flaw and it would be maginified.

It was obvious that I just didn't like me and no matter what I looked like, I would be against photos of myself. So, as in many weight loss stories, I gained a lot of my weight back. But I had begun to awaken spiritually at the time, and it was like I was seeing myself for the first time. I wasn't happy that I was gaining weight, but I didn't feel disgust either.

So what happened? How am I able to actually take a picture of myself and post it on the internet? My heart was opened to love. I was finally listening to my spirit and living my truth. I was seeing what living a joyful life could do. The lessons I've learned about acceptance, unconditional love and trusting myself, have opened my heart to see that I am a beautiful spiritual being. That if I don't love and accept myself I can never truly love and accept anyone else.

So today I weigh somewhere between my highest weight of 260+ lbs and my lowest of 127. For the first time in a very long time it doesn't matter how much I weigh. I am no longer driven by the number on a scale. I haven't weighed myself in months. I know that I need to lose weight, but only because I want to be healthy. My motivation in the past for weight loss has always been to look good.

I am filled with gratitude today for the life that I have. I am grateful for my beautiful family and friends. I see beauty all around me. Kind people, nature, children's wonder, these are all spiritual beauties. I never saw these things before I let my spirit out of captivity. Now they are everyday joys. I am one of those joys. You are one of those joys.

Have you taken a picture of yourself lately? Do it today, knowing that you are beautiful creation of spirit. Post it somewhere, blog about you, celebrate you and share the joy.

Just my thoughts.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

One of the littles celebrates a birthday

Little #4 (a.k.a. Aaron) turns 10 today. I love birthdays. Especially birthdays of my children. This little guy has been so excited for weeks. I think of all my kids, he is the one who loves the attention the most.

Aaron was the most active baby I had in the womb. He flipped and flopped for months. If a woman could feel bruised on the inside that is how I felt most of the time. He was a breech baby, who flipped up until the very last minute. As I was on the table getting prepared for a c-section he flipped one last time. No c-section for me.

He has never lost that energy. He is never sitting still and he has a hard time keeping his hands to himself. He is so full of love and affection that it gets him in trouble at times.

I have learned so much from this bundle of energy and love. I have learned to hug. I have learned that when he is 'in my space', it is because he craves and requires more physical touch than the rest. This has helped me to see that there are times when I too am in need of some touch. And more times than not, I am searching out Aaron for one of his fabulous hugs.

Here is a small list of what I love most about Aaron. His laugh, his smile, his hugs, his sensitivity, his love of nature, his amazing mathematical mind, his energy, his sleep walking, his ability to empathize, his beautiful blue eyes..... This list could go on and on.

I am proud to be his mother. I am so happy that he is who he is. Yes, I get frustrated with some of the same things that I love about him, but he has taught me so many valuable lessons on acceptance and unconditional love.

I have to be gone for most of his birthday. He was not very happy with that. We talked it over and we came up with a birthday plan that he can live with. Of course, it requires me to stay up all night if that is how long he lasts, but he is worth it. Everyone should have a special birthday. I don't care if it is your 3rd, 10th, 24th, whatever. Each new year is a celebration of the beautiful, spiritual beings that we all are. I try to make each birthday special for my family, and recently I have decided to do the same for myself.

This is one of Aaron's birthday presents. He has been asking me for over a year to get a mohawk. I have been reluctant for really dumb reasons. When he asked me this time I heard a voice say "let him shine." I then heard myself say "ok." The smile on his face was so worth it. He acts more confident now. He's getting attention from people who didn't used to notice him, and he loves it.

Happy birthday sweet Aaron. May today be a true celebration of who you are.

How are you going to celebrate your next birthday? Better start making plans.

Just my thoughts.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Too much noisy chatter

It's one of those days when my head is swirling with thoughts. I can't seem to put them in any sort of order. Here's what I've got so far.

"I hope Uncle Doug isn't suffering with a lot of pain."

"I hope that he can make his transition soon."

"But, I want Kristy to see him on Wednesday when we go."

"I hope Aaron isn't too upset that I will be gone on his 10th birthday."

"I just heard him tell his friends that I will be gone. I think he minds."

"Maybe we should go on Thursday? But, that is Kristy's birthday. I don't think she wants to spend her birthday visiting her dying uncle."

"I need to get into the basement and start going through those boxes."

"Or maybe I should get the boxes out of the hallway first."

"Or maybe I should start decluttering my bedroom."

"OMG!! We're having Al's family here in the end of August for August birthdays!! Am I going to get everything done that I want to get done?"

"Maybe I should have this party be a birthday/graduation party. I don't want Zach to be denied a graduation party simply because he got his GED instead of a traditional graduation."

"I have such a nervous stomach today. Why am I so nervous?"

Ok, I'm done sharing my thoughts now. I know why I have a nervous stomach. Because I have so much swirling around in my mind. I am focusing on the thoughts and not on what my spirit has to offer. I haven't even asked my spirit for guidance. That is why I struggle to keep a clear mind. When ever I turn away from inner guidance I become easily distracted and confused. I simply hear the noisy chatter.

So I am off to sneak out on to my deck for a few moments of peace. Because within that peace is the calm, reassuring voice of my true authentic self. The soft voice that knows exactly how to put order to all these thoughts.

Are you hearing noisy chatter or feeling the peace?

Just my thoughts.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Tribute to Zach

I just received a phone call about my 17 year olds GED test results. He passed with flying colors. I am so excited for him. I am filled with pride. Zach has struggled his entire time in secondary school. He is such a bright boy and the confines of traditional schooling were taking him down. He so just wants to get on with life and not mess around with what he feels is meaningless studies.

I have to admit that there were times when I would get frustrated with his inability to succeed. Even though I firmly believe that not all kids benefit from traditional schools. Which is why I homeschooled my younger kids for quite a few years. I wanted Zach to commit to getting some type of education. I even tried to get him to see the benefits of homeschooling, but he wasn't falling for it. So he stayed in an environment that was sucking his spirit dry. I just needed to be patient and wait for him to say "ENOUGH!!!"

That day did come and he decided to pursue his GED. I was in love with this idea. I have always believed that a GED was just as good as having a diploma. Now here he is a high school graduate at 17. One year before his classmates.

The world is now at your fingertips, Zach. You can do whatever your heart desires. I am so proud and excited for you. Take your time and do what makes your heart sing.

Just my thoughts.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Passion & balance

Do you ever feel like there is so much to learn and not enough time in a day to learn it? That's what I feel these days. I am pretty much obsessed with the world of blogging. I want to know it all right now. I also know that this is impossible. I would make myself and my family crazy if I tried. Yet, I still find myself on the computer for hours a day. I have been neglecting my family to some extent, my home is definitely feeling the effects.

So what do I do from here? How do I continue following my passion and transform my home into a peaceful haven for all those who live here? Can I do both at once? Is this blog entry going to just be questions?

The answer is simple. Balance. Simple, but not easy. Balance has never come easy for me. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I'm either all in or all out.

I have noticed something these last few days. I have seen that my following something with all of my spirit has opened up my heart and mind to things that I used to be blocked about. I have been noticing that I get truly joyful when I think about how my house could be the haven that I dream about. In the past, I would usually feel overwhelmed by the notion of decluttering and simplifying my life.

Today, I am excited about the possibility. I recently went away on an overnight trip on my own. I stayed at a wonderful bed & breakfast out in the woods of WI. It was so peaceful, so clean, so simple. That is what I want for my home. I have always wanted that. I truly believe that this passion I have for blogging has opened up a door to my life that I didn't think would ever open. That door is the entrance to Joy.

What am I saying here? I am saying that to follow something I am passionate about will help me to see other things that I can be passionate about. I don't have to be a one passion kind of person. Life is passionate. All of it.

So from what I have experienced, it seems that in order for me to find balance, I first needed to put all of my energy and passion into one something. Yes, it meant that my home suffered. Yes, it meant that my kids and my husband had to endure some interesting dinners. Actually most days they have fended for themselves. The kids loved it, husband not so much.

I see how big my life can be. I see that my life can be big and simple at the same time. I see that to balance my time between all that sparks my passion is actually quite fun. I'm excited at where my journey is taking me.

Do you have something that you are passionate about that seems to take up your life? Please share.

Have you mastered the art of balance? Please share.

I'm off to make an actual dinner for my family. My honey will be so happy. Kids, not so much.

Just my thoughts.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Lesson from the Spirit of the Forest

The only words she heard were, “Do not be afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”, she asked.

“Fear nothing. Remove the mask that keeps your fear trapped inside. When the mask is gone, so is the fear.”

This is the wisdom received on her journey into the forest. She was called there to be set free. Free from her “self”. Her ego.

She had entered the forest with an overwhelming sense of excitement. When the trail began to close in, she began to doubt that she could continue on. That is when she heard the Spirit of the Forest and it’s words of wisdom.

Still, her fear and self-doubt continued to escalate. Then, like a balloon with too much air, it burst. Relief. Trust. Security. These were the only feelings left when the fear was gone.

She continued on through the forest. She was hearing sounds never before heard, seeing things never before seen. Every sense was awakened and crystal clear. As she continued on, hot, out of breath and sore, peace filled her spirit.

Coming to the end of her journey, she came across a gloriously massive old tree. It seemed familiar to her, though she had never seen this particular tree before. So she laid her hands on the massive trunk and said thank you to the Spirit of the Forest for the lesson she had been offered.

As she drove away, tears of pure joy streamed down her face.

I wrote this at a little roadside eatery/bar in WI. Yes, the woman is me and I experienced all of this. I am still feeling the joy and still feel free from the fear almost 24 hours later.

I'm on my way home now. Stopping off at this cute little coffee shop so that I could post this entry. I look forward to being home, but I have cherished my little time away. I have only been gone overnight, but it has been a life transforming experience. I go home with a renewed spirit. No, I go home with a spirit that feels completely new to me.

I can't wait to see my family again for the first time. Life is good.

Just my thoughts.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Joy is for anybody

Today I celebrate Joy. Not a person named Joy. The real thing. That feeling of pure happiness that eludes so many of us. Or should I say that feeling of pure happiness that so many of us won't let in our lives. I have been one of those people.

There was a time, not so long ago, where I was not able to feel Joy. I was pretty sure that I was not supposed to feel joy. I was depressed, I was overweight, I was a single parent with 2 kids, I was married, I had 6 kids, my house was a mess, I was still overweight, blah, blah, blah. The list could go on and on. The point was that I kept Joy at a distance because I didn't believe in my heart and soul that I deserved it.

Today I know that Joy is for anybody. It's not hard to find and it's not hard to spread. My quest for Joy began when I decided that I was going to start listening to my spirit. It hasn't been easy, sometimes I slip back in to old beliefs and behaviors. On average, I would say my days are probably 90% joyful. The other 10% would be those times when the house is a disaster and the kids are seeing who can be the loudest. Or I'm feeling incredibly touched out by Little #6. No one is immune to losing their Joy. The key is to keep the heart open so that Joy can get back in.

I'm still married, I still have 6 kids, my house is still a mess, I'm still overweight. All of the things that used to keep me from Joy, now bring me closer to it. Ok, maybe not being overweight, but I can live with that for now.

I have also learned that spreading Joy is another important piece of living joyfully. When I am able to add a little Joy to someones day, my spirit shines a little brighter. I have been getting more creative about how to spread a little Joy. If I run out of ideas, I can always spread some Joy by simply acting joyful. When I shine, my family and those around me shine. That is spreading Joy.

I am taking part in Joy Rebel Day today. I found out about this over at Awake is Good. I apologize for not knowing how to link to a blog yet. I'm still learning all the tricks to blogging. Awake is Good is in my blogs I follow list. So today I am dedicated to feeling Joy and spreading Joy. We are all being free-spirited at my house. Just hanging out and doing whatever we feel will bring us some Joy. Little #6 is happily running around in her underwear. Little #5 is always joyful, so this is no big deal for her. Little #4 was so excited when I finally said yes he could have a friend over, even though his room is not clean. Little #3 is snickering at funny videos on the computer and sharing them with all of us. Not so Little #2 is kind of grouchy, but he's 17. It is his right to be grouchy. We still love him.

What am I doing today? I am letting all my littles be who they are. I am letting me be the imperfect person that I am. I am cleaning up the kitchen so that my fabulous husband can feel joyful about being in our haven.

So join me today, or better yet, this week and be a Joy Rebel. Let loose and let your spirit shine. Joy is for anybody, and you are anybody.

Just my thoughts.