Tuesday, March 30, 2010

When Littles fight

There have been a number of times in my life that I have found motherhood to be a difficult role to be in.  Times like the present.  Not-so-Little 1 & 2 are currently not getting along very nicely and I am feeling a sadness in my heart.  I can handle it when the littlest Littles bicker and argue.  It is short-lived and I consider it normal.  My two oldest are not just bickering, they do not want anything to do with each other.  I am torn, because I can see both of their sides and see that they are both being unreasonable.  They are both expecting the other to be someone that the other can not be right now. 

I'm not saying that they don't have a right to be angry at each other.  What I'm saying is that I don't know how to deal with the wall that they are putting up.  As a mother, I want all of my Littles to love each other and be kind to each other.  I know that fighting happens.  Siblings don't get along ALL of the time.  This rift between the 2 oldest isn't just a typical fight and I find myself desperately wanting to fix their relationship.  I can not do this.  They have to fix this together and at this point in time neither of them is going to take on that responsibility.  I am frustrated with both of them.  I also love both of them deeply and want them to be happy.  I want them to feel loved and accepted for who they are.  They may not be willing to extend that love and acceptance to one another, but I am able to give it to them.  I am able to love them both without picking sides and adding to the drama.

I don't know if they can or will ever get past this anger.  I know they can't do it today and so that leaves a bit of a hole in my heart.  I won't give up hope that someday they will laugh together and love each other unconditionally.

My journey through motherhood has been one of many ups and downs.  I readily admit that in the past there were probably more downs than ups.  During those downs I did not like nor did I want to be a mom.  My two oldest spent their early years with a depressed, emotionally distant and angry mother.  I softened as they grew older, and since I have set my Spirit free I am able to Love fully and openly.  With a free Spirit I am able to love being a mom during these times of conflict.  Yes, there is some pain, but ultimately I know that all I can do is be an example of Love & Compassion.  I will be a Warrior of Love for all of my Littles.  Yes, I will get frustrated when they are acting unreasonable, but I will still let Light shine.  I will still Love them for being exactly who they are at any given moment.  I will not be drawn in to any battle, but I will also not push them away.

Just my thoughts

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Love vs Hate

I really hesitate to post this today because of all the political upheaval that is going on right now all over the world, but I listen to my heart and my heart says share your thoughts.  Just to clarify, what I am about to say has absolutely nothing to do with politics or religion. I do not discuss those things here, never have and I probably never will. I do admit that these thoughts are in my head & heart because of the state of the world, however.

I woke up today and my heart felt so heavy. Heavy with disappointment and sadness for all of the hate that is running through the world.  Then the heaviness began to evolve into anger.  I found myself pissed off while driving home from dropping two of my Littles off at school.  I don't understand why so many people hate each other. I happen to embrace a belief that we are all holding the Divne/God/Goddess within ourselves.  How can you hate someone who's soul houses the Divine?  How can so many people believe that we are all children of God, yet hate those children so much?  How can people take the words of God & Jesus & all the other Ascended Masters from days past, and twist those words to justify hating?

It seems so easy to hate each other and so hard to Love and accept each other for the beautiful souls that we all are.  I know that there are horrific, unjustifiable things being done all over the world to innocent people.  I know that there is so much disrespect for Nature and the earth.  I know that there are kids at my childs school who have joined a white supremacy group on Facebook.  Eleven & Twelve year olds who believe that if your skin is not white or you are gay you are scum who don't deserve to be here.  How can this be?

I'm not being naive.  I know that hate has existed since the beginning of time.  I myself, in this lifetime, have judged others because they were not like me.  I know that children hate because their parents have taught them to.  Why else would children stand outside the nations capitol with signs that read, "God hates gays."  Children don't come into this world hating.  They are taught it.  I know that hate will never be completely destroyed and it probably shouldn't be, but how can people NOT see the harm it is doing to our future here on this planet.  How can people look into the eyes of their neighbor and hate them for being the very person that God meant for them to be? 

So my heart is heavy today.  I'm still pissed off, but I refuse to let that anger turn me into one of the haters.  I still have an over abundance of Love in my heart.  I will not fight hate with hate.  I will do what I can to touch the lives of the people near me enough to show them that hate is not the answer.  Love will lead us to the Divine.  Love will fill us up and keep us shining for many lifetimes.  I don't want my Littles to be haters.  I don't want them to even hate the haters.  I want them to know that Love will conquer all.  Their lives can be full and meaningful even if they are surrounded by infectious hate.

From this day forward, I vow to live on the side of Love.  Yes, I said that out loud.  I want to be held accountable.  I want to be reminded that if ever I start to turn on the hate that I vowed to live in the Light.  I am blessed with a beautiful, beautiful family, a home to be safe and warm in and outrageously fantabulous friends.  My life is rich and full, and if I can brighten my family, friends and home, then I can brighten my world.  We are all one.  If I brighten my world you can brighten your world and so on and so on......  Love can conquer all.

I hope that you can join me.  Join me, even if for just one day.  Live in the Light.  Smile at strangers.  Tell the clerk at the gas station to have a beautiful day. If someone looks lost ask them if they need help.  If your precious Little is crying ask them if they need some extra snuggles.  Ask your partners in life if there is anything you could do today to make their day brighter.  Make your world a brighter place.

Just my thoughts.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Little has a birthday & a blog has an anniversary

Today marks the 18th anniversary of the day I gave birth to my #2 Little.  18 years ago I remember the emotions I was feeling as my newest bundle of joy was placed in my arms.  I was joyous, excited, scared and confused.  I was already a single mom, and now I was bringing another baby into our lives.  I had no idea if I could do it, but I knew I had enough love in my heart to share with two Littles.  Life hasn't always been easy for my little man, but he has grown up to be quite the amazing young adult.  He'll be a father in August and even though his call to parenthood is coming at a very young age, I have no doubt that he will face the challenge of  being a teen parent head on.  He will be a wonderful father and I can't wait to watch him take this journey.  I can't wait to see his child/children grow up to be as passionate and true to themselves as Zach has been throughout his life.  I am honored that he chose me to be his mother.

Today also marks the 1 year anniversary of this blog. Technically I started Just My Thoughts in February of 2008, but I wasn't ready to give myself a voice and only posted 3 times that year. On March 2nd of 2009 I decided to give the blog a whirl again. Here I am 1 year later and I am so grateful that I had the courage to start it up again. This year of blogging has been such a positive and enriching experience. I have grown emotionally and spiritually in big, big ways.

I have made some amazing blogging friends.  I feel like part of a real community for the first time in my life.  I know that this blog doesn't make me who I am, but it certainly has been instrumental in giving me a voice that I never allowed myself to have before.  I have evolved over this past year from a person who used to keep her thoughts to herself, to a person who knows the importance of letting those thoughts out.  I know the importance of being my truest self and I love sharing that here.

So I humbly say thank you to my beautiful son, Zach, for chosing me to be his mother.  I thank him for being one of my 6 shining stars. I also want to humbly say thank you to all of you out in the blogosphere who allow me to share with you this journey I'm on called "Life".  I am truly a very blessed woman and I am eager to see where this next year takes me.

Just my thoughts.