Freedom

Depression has come to visit me once again.  It sneaks up, and before I see the signs, I am already being held in its arms.  Once there, it is difficult to free myself.  But I do.  My time spent with depression is few and far between.  Eleven years ago my time spent free from depression was few and far between.  It is Hell.  I do not believe that Hell is something we experience in the after-life.  I believe we experience it here on Earth.  I lived there for many, many years.  My depression started in childhood.  I was in my early 20's when I started down the medication path.  I don't remember a whole lot of my life and I believe it was depression that stole those memories from me and stole those years of my life.  Through that time in hell, I experienced many joyful moments.  The birth of 5 children, marrying my love and meeting many wonderful friends.  Those were all beautiful events, but depression clouds beauty.  It takes away its shine.  Leaves you feeling numb and unable to truly feel the joy of living.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I made it through my time in Hell.  I made it, where many others don't.  My heart painfully aches when I hear of someone who loses the battle with depression.  I'm so sensitive because of how well I know the deep pain they went through.  Divine Love pulled at me until I was able to release myself from the monster called Clinical Depression.  My soul heard the soft whispering voice of the Divine and I knew I was to be free.

I hit rock bottom while pregnant with Little #5.  I had an emotional breakdown while home with my 4 kids.  My 2nd born had to call my husband home from work because I was curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably.  I probably could have spent some time hospitalized and maybe I should have, but we had 4 kids and I wouldn't be separated from them.  Even at my lowest of low, my soul heard that soft Divine Voice whispering that I would be ok.  I really have few memories of this time and how I picked myself up walked away free, but I did it.  I'm sure I had help from friends and family, but the Divine was my biggest weapon.  Like I said, I was one of the lucky ones.  Hospitalization is the only option for many others and it saves their lives.

Today depression doesn't have the power over me it once had.  It still has an influence on me, or I wouldn't be writing this.  I am so grateful that the voice of The Divine is enough to pull me away sooner than later.  Today as I laid upon my bed with that overpowering feeling of hopelessness surrounding me, I heard it.  Just 5 small words.  "Sit out in the sun."  So I pulled myself out of bed while depression screamed, "No!! Stay here! Its easier here!".  Within 5 minutes of being in the sun, I felt depression release its hold and slip away.  I know this may not work for others, but this my experience.  I hear that small voice of the Divine.  I believe it resides in us all.  Guiding us.  I don't always know it, but its always there.  Sometimes it appears as a supportive, loving friend or family member, or a beautiful sunset, or a big hug from a small child.  That Divine Presence is all around. Waiting to be seen and heard.  Today I heard it and I am free.

Where am I going?

Where am I going?  That's a good question.  A question that I have no answer to, yet I'm already on my way.  I've got so many directions that I can go and one of these days I'll pick one.  Or two.... or three...  That's the beauty of living.  I get to pick and choose as many times as I want.  I used to believe that if you keep changing your direction that you're weak or lazy or untalented.  But here's what I know today.  Each time that I begin or end that next thing, I am moving in a direction.  I'm beginning.  Every time I have changed direction I was beginning again.

When I realized that being a Reiki practitioner was not what I wanted to do, I felt like a failure.  I was reminded of all the other 'jobs' I used to do that I walked away from.  Each time feeling like a failure all over again.  Why?  Why does walking away from something that doesn't feel fulfilling make me a failure?

Letting my Reiki practice go was one of the best decisions I've ever made.  It freed me to move from the place of being stuck that I was in.  I was stuck in so many areas of my life.  Stuck deep in the muck.  Couldn't go forward or backward.  As soon as I acknowledged that being an energy healer felt fake to me, I was able to see myself for what I truly was.  (It took me many months to finally acknowledge this, by the way.)

I'm not saying that Reiki felt fake.  I fully believe in the healing power of Reiki.  I'm saying that putting myself in the position of Reiki healer felt fake.  It just wasn't who I wanted to be.  There are people in this world who were meant to be amazing energy healers.  I am not one of those people.  I'm good with that.

So back to my original question.  Where am I going?  Right now I'm moving forward in a couple different areas.  One of those areas is my home.  I'm making this home, that I have lived in for 15 years, finally reflect who I am.  I'm letting go of all the clutter that I have been holding on to.  I wrote the post, Fear Cocoons, about my cluttering.  And this one about the monster in my basement.  In January I had a group of amazing friends come over and help me tackle most of the monster in my basement.  Two van loads of stuff were carted off to the thrift store.  One entire room was cleared out, which led me to organize the family room down there, which led a few of my Littles to let go of stuff they no longer wanted, which led to painting rooms and putting in new flooring..... and on and on.

I just needed to begin.  A very wise friend of mine (who happens to be one of the amazing women who came over that day) told me once that a good affirmation for me would be, "I am beginning at my beginning."  I have taken that affirmation and turned it into my mantra.  Anytime I change directions I am reminded that this change IS my beginning.

For now I am happy stringing together many days of beginnings.  Everyday is a beginning.  Keeping my momentum is easier when I remember this. Are you stuck somewhere?  Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help if you need to.  Sometimes all you need is a little momentum.

The Search

I wrote this back in Feb 2010 but felt the need to republish it today.  So many times I have found myself searching for something and this helps remind me that I really don't need to search.  The something I'm looking for is always right there in front of me.



The Search


She was searching.  Searching for something that was always out of her reach.  All she wanted was to be good enough.  All she wanted was to be beautiful.  All she wanted was to be loved.  She was searching.

She looked to others to validate that she was good enough.  She looked to others to see her beauty.  She looked to others to give her love.  Yet her search continued on for what seemed to be a lifetime.

Then she met a wise, old woman, who told her where she could find all that she was looking for.  This wise woman told her to go to a mirror and stand in front of it with her eyes closed.  There she would find what she was so desperately searching for.

She walked away from the wise woman feeling disappointment.  How could she possibly find these things in a mirror with her eyes closed?  That's when she heard the voice.  It said one word. "Trust."

So she did as she was told.  She stood before the mirror and closed her eyes.  Nothing.  Where was the answer? The voice said, "Trust."

She stood there for many minutes.  Still nothing.  This isn't working.  "Trust."

Many more minutes followed.  Just as she was ready to give up and curse the wise woman, she saw a face.  It was her face.  Then she saw a whole person.  The person looked like her, but she was beautiful and Divine.

She asked, "Who are you?"

The voice retuned and said, "I am you."

"Can you help me find all that I am searching for?"

"I can."

"Please, share your wisdom with me!"

This Most Divine person that was her, told her that there was only one who could end her search.  Only one that could make her feel good enough, and beautiful and loved.

"Who? Who is it!!" she pleaded.

The voice said, "Open your eyes."

"I can't.  What if its just me looking back?"

"Trust."

So she opened her eyes.  She opened her eyes and she saw herself.  And she was good enough and she was beautiful and she was loved.

I hope that you can open your eyes, so that you can be good enough and beautiful and loved.  Trust the Divine you.

Just my thoughts.

The End.....or rather To Be Continued

So I haven't been here since June 12th.  I did not plan to go on a blogging hiatus.  It just happened that way. I have had a lot of experiences over the last month or so that I could share, but these experiences will not be recounted here.  I have chosen to keep this part of my journey private.  I don't feel that I need to share how I have become the person that I am, but I do feel that I need to share with you who I am today.  This will also be my last post here.

First of all, I would like to offer an apology to my family and friends.  The person I am about to describe may be a stranger to you.  I have been very good at keeping myself pretty well hidden.  I'm here now and I'm not hiding anymore.

My name is Jill.  I am a wife, a mother of 6, a mother-in-law and a grandmother.  I am a sister and a friend. I am an unschooler who also supports my kids who want to be in public school.  I am a teacher and a student.  I am an energy healer.  I am a practicing writer with much to learn.  I have passion, but I don't always share it openly with others.  I am an introvert who loves to surround myself with small groups of people from time to time.  I have a hard time being in very large crowds.

I love daisies and I love being outside in my backyard near my mystical oak tree.  I revere Mother Earth and I feel most connected to her when I am near water, specifically Lake Superior.  My spirituality is like a large quilt of all faiths interwoven.  I do pick and choose which aspects resonate with me and I discard the rest, but I respect that others do not.  I respect that all people have their beliefs and it is none of my business how they choose to practice their faith.  There are many things about organized religion that I don't support, but you won't see me on a soapbox.  I choose to focus my energy on what feels right for me in this world.

I believe that Love will hold us together and that hate will drive us apart.  I believe that the Light of the Divine Creator is within us all and that it is my purpose in this life to shine my Light.  To be a beacon to others whose Light feels dim.  I am up for the challenge.

I have bad days along the way.  It does not mean that I am broken.  It just means that I am temporarily out of alignment with my Higher Self.  It is during these times when I will turn to those in my life whose Light is shining bright, so that I can see my way back.  I believe that we get to choose the kind of life we will live.  I believe that I am not defined by who I was or where I have come from.  I chose to forgive and to be forgiven.  I chose to live the life that my Soul has been missing.

And so I come to close this blog.  It has served its purpose for me and I hope it has been a source of comfort and inspiration for others.  I will not stop writing.  I can't.  My soul needs for me to write because the spoken word doesn't come easy for me. I will continue to write on my website, and it will still be just my thoughts.  It won't be what is was here.  I hope you'll join me at Shining Life Healing.  I'm looking forward to sharing and learning along with you.

Thank you for all the support I've received over the years.  I will be forever grateful.  Keep it shiny!

Just my thoughts.

Although I will not be posting here anymore, I will leave the blog available for others to read.  I don't want to erase the journey that I have been on.  

Day 13 - #Trust30 writing challenge

Just in case you happen to be following these writing prompts, I skipped yesterday, because I can.  :)

I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Surprise by Ashley Ambirge

Think of a time when you didn’t think you were capable of doing something, but then surprised yourself.  How will you surprise yourself this week?

I think back to the time when I admitted to myself that the clutter that was taking over our house was looking more and more like hoarding.  Of course I never said that 'h' word out loud.  I would just admit that the clutter was getting out of control.  I remember thinking that there was nothing I could do about it.  I would start the de-cluttering process and quickly quit because I became overwhelmed.  Then I gathered up all my inner-strength (which I happen to have plenty of) and just jumped in.  40+ boxes and numerous garbage bags later, I had accomplished something that I never thought would be possible.

I look back at that time in my life and I feel grateful for being shown the way by the Divine.  I was shown that I can do anything that I want to do.  Sometimes I forget that I have that spark inside of me.  Sometimes I just don't want to do things that seem hard.  That's ok.  Because I get to choose which actions I will take.  I get to decide when things need to be faced.

Maybe I'll choose to do something surprising this week.....and maybe I won't.

Just my thoughts.

This has been day #13 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details here.

Day 11 - #Trust30 writing challenge

Imitation is Suicide. Insist on yourself; never imitate. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Divine Idea by Fabian Kruse

Write down in which areas of your life you have to overcome these suicidal tendencies of imitation, and how you can transform them into a newborn you – one that doesn’t hide its uniqueness, but thrives on it. There is a “divine idea which each of us represents” – which is yours?


I am a recovering imitator.  I can take on someone else's beliefs and behaviors with the blink of an eye.  I suppose we all can to some extent, but I have made many important life decisions based on the fact that somebody I knew (and was very fond of) did the same thing.  It can be easier to just do what someone else does.  Its easier to let them do all the research and soul searching than it is for me to weigh the pros and cons and actually let my intuition lead me.  That just takes too much work.  


There is no 12 step program for compulsive imitators, so thankfully I have been able to walk away from being the imitator all on my own.  I have been able to be 'like' me.  With the exception of one area.


Homeschooling.  I have an incredibly hard time with just letting myself homeschool the Littles in the manner that resonates best with our family.  I still don't give people a straight answer when they ask me how I manage to homeschool the kids.  So I come up with a description of how other people I know homeschool and pass it off as how we do it.


That's not exactly imitating though is it?  That's more of a lie.  Because I don't actually imitate the actions of how others homeschool. I imitate the philosophy.  I imply that we are ecclectic, relaxed homeschoolers, when in fact we are unschoolers through and through.  Sometimes I even talk about curriculum with people.  *Gasp*  I almost convince myself that I should have a curriculum for the kids.  I almost convince myself that I should be forcing them to sit down and read the classics and then make them write book reports and take tests.  


But you see, I can recognize when I'm being an imitator now.  I can see that to do those things would go against everything that I believe in.  My homeschooling is so far from mainstream that I keep it a secret from most.  Because I don't want to subject myself to the questions.  I don't want to have to defend the choices that my family makes.  I don't want to have to convince someone who doesn't understand that I'm not guilty of educational neglect.


So the jury is out.  Is this imitating or is this just avoiding conflict.  Hmm....I'm not exactly sure, but I am sure of one thing.  I am sure that I can choose to live my life in the manner that resonates best with me.  I can choose to raise my children in the manner that I feel benefits them as the unique individuals that were born to be.


If I want my children to grow into the kind of adult that doesn't suffer from these suicidal tendencies of imitation, then I better not do it myself.  I better stand tall and share the whole me.  What you see has to be what you get.  Their success in living a joyful, truthful life depends on it.


Just my thoughts.


This has been day #11 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details here.

Day 10 - #Trust30 writing challenge

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Your Personal Message by Eric Handler


What is burning deep inside of you? If you could spread your personal message RIGHT NOW to 1 million people, what would you say?


What is burning deep inside of me right now is an affirmation.  An affirmation that you are already all that you need to be.  We don't have to go searching or trying to learn how to be a better, happier person.  Within each of us a light is glowing.  It glows to show us the way.  The way to find true happiness and unbelievable bliss is to take a straight path right to the center of our being.  


The Divine/God/Source, whatever you connect with, is there.  Waiting to be unchained.  Ready to shine so bright that everyone around will need to sunglasses just to see who you are.  This light that lies within us needs to be shared and shared often.  No matter how many times you give it away it will always be there to sustain you and carry you through this life.


Trust yourself.  Be yourself.  If you don't know who 'yourself' is just look in a mirror.  That beautiful being lies inside of this body you have.  Close your eyes and look.  Maybe you'll see yourself, maybe you'll feel something or maybe you'll hear that still quiet voice that is you.  Just give yourself a chance to be.


You are Love.  You are Light.  You are ready.  


Just my thoughts.

This has been day #9 of the #Trust30 writing challenge. #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey. You can see the details here.