Wednesday, April 25, 2012


Depression has come to visit me once again.  It sneaks up, and before I see the signs, I am already being held in its arms.  Once there, it is difficult to free myself.  But I do.  My time spent with depression is few and far between.  Eleven years ago my time spent free from depression was few and far between.  It is Hell.  I do not believe that Hell is something we experience in the after-life.  I believe we experience it here on Earth.  I lived there for many, many years.  My depression started in childhood.  I was in my early 20's when I started down the medication path.  I don't remember a whole lot of my life and I believe it was depression that stole those memories from me and stole those years of my life.  Through that time in hell, I experienced many joyful moments.  The birth of 5 children, marrying my love and meeting many wonderful friends.  Those were all beautiful events, but depression clouds beauty.  It takes away its shine.  Leaves you feeling numb and unable to truly feel the joy of living.

I am one of the lucky ones.  I made it through my time in Hell.  I made it, where many others don't.  My heart painfully aches when I hear of someone who loses the battle with depression.  I'm so sensitive because of how well I know the deep pain they went through.  Divine Love pulled at me until I was able to release myself from the monster called Clinical Depression.  My soul heard the soft whispering voice of the Divine and I knew I was to be free.

I hit rock bottom while pregnant with Little #5.  I had an emotional breakdown while home with my 4 kids.  My 2nd born had to call my husband home from work because I was curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably.  I probably could have spent some time hospitalized and maybe I should have, but we had 4 kids and I wouldn't be separated from them.  Even at my lowest of low, my soul heard that soft Divine Voice whispering that I would be ok.  I really have few memories of this time and how I picked myself up walked away free, but I did it.  I'm sure I had help from friends and family, but the Divine was my biggest weapon.  Like I said, I was one of the lucky ones.  Hospitalization is the only option for many others and it saves their lives.

Today depression doesn't have the power over me it once had.  It still has an influence on me, or I wouldn't be writing this.  I am so grateful that the voice of The Divine is enough to pull me away sooner than later.  Today as I laid upon my bed with that overpowering feeling of hopelessness surrounding me, I heard it.  Just 5 small words.  "Sit out in the sun."  So I pulled myself out of bed while depression screamed, "No!! Stay here! Its easier here!".  Within 5 minutes of being in the sun, I felt depression release its hold and slip away.  I know this may not work for others, but this my experience.  I hear that small voice of the Divine.  I believe it resides in us all.  Guiding us.  I don't always know it, but its always there.  Sometimes it appears as a supportive, loving friend or family member, or a beautiful sunset, or a big hug from a small child.  That Divine Presence is all around. Waiting to be seen and heard.  Today I heard it and I am free.


Angela Sweetland Bass said...

I relate so much to this. Much love to you, Jill.

Love, Angie

Jennifer Salness said...

Applauding your honesty! I've been there myself (most of childhood, not diagnosed until college, years of meds), so I do understand. Blessings and love and lots of SUNLIGHT! to you, dear, you are glorious! :)