My thoughts on addiction

I has taken me two days to write this. I hope that I can remember all of the thoughts that were swirling around in my mind. I have really been thinking about addiction a lot lately. I find myself questioning all that I used to believe to be true about how to recover from an addiction.

It feels the same way it did when I started to question my belief in Christianity. Things just don't feel right anymore. I can no longer accept that I am never going to be able to be free from the things that I will turn to for ease and comfort. I can no longer believe that if I don't follow a certain 12-step program I am doomed to live a miserable existence.

Here's a brief retelling of my time in "recovery". I joined a 12-step group in Jan. of '06 because of my compulsive overeating. Stayed in the program for 2 1/2 years, lost 120lbs. It appeared that I was in "recovery". Was I? I definitely had physical recovery, but I had very minimal emotional recovery and absolutely no spiritual recovery. But I was skinny, so who cares. My spirit cared. I was dead inside. I finally couldn't take being told over and over that I could not trust my addict mind. That I WOULD pick up the food again, if I didn't keep going to meetings and working with a sponsor and being of service and blah, blah, blah.... If I did these things I would be in recovery.

I didn't want to be in recovery, I wanted to be free. I wanted to lose the incredible sense of hopelessness that I had. Why was I hopeless? Any good recovering addict would tell you that it is impossible to be free if you are not spiritually fit. I got all kinds of advice. Pray more, meditate more, go to church, ask other people how they came to believe in a Higher Power, surrender (that was my favorite). All of this was very well intentioned advice. My fellow addicts did care. They truely wanted to see me happy, joyous and free.  I agreed that in order to be happy, joyous and free I needed spiritual recovery.  I just had no idea what spiritual recovery was.

I left this program feeling totally defeated.  I was a hopeless case.  I tried the most structured and disciplined 12-step foodie program and I failed miserably.  I was still skinny, but I hated myself more than when I came in to the program at 250lbs.  So I did exactlly what I was told I would do if I left.  I gained weight.  I had to. I had an addict mind, that was to lead me back to hell.  I was going to die.  I had an incurable disease that could only be managed if I followed the steps.  I was never to be free.

Fast forward to today.  I am free!!!!  I don't follow a food plan, I don't have a sponsor and I don't attend meetings.  I still read the AA Big Book once in awhile, because there are certain things in there that speak to me.  I don't believe in the steps and I don't believe that I have a disease.  How can this be possible?  Because I finally trusted myself.  I finally chose to believe that I was not under the power of an addicted mind.  I embraced myself for who I was.  I allowed myself to say no, to that bully in my head.  I acknowledged that it was there, and I told it to go away.  I stopped living everyone else's truth and found my own.  

I have spiritually awakened.  I woke up from the nightmare that was my life and saw all the light that I have always had, but didn't know was there.  My spirit is free from the bondage that food and addiction had me in.  I am able to believe that my body is not me.  It is simply the vessel in which my spirit resides.  Food is food.  Nothing more.  I don't think about food unless I'm about to eat it.  I don't weigh myself, because it doesn't matter.  It is just a number.

Getting to this point did not happen overnight.  My awakening has taken months.  I don't even consider myself fully awakened yet.  I had help from very special people who know who they are.  This work can not be done alone.  I am forever grateful for where I am today.  I am grateful for all the misery I had to go through to get here.  I want others to see their light and share it. 

I know that 12-step programs work for some people.  It keeps them off of their drug of choice.  I would not call it a solution, however.  The dismal recovery rate of all 12-step programs speaks for itself.  It is my hope that someday, addicts will conquer the bully that lives in their hearts and minds.  Someday they will face it and say, "Get the hell out!", and it will go.  They will walk away from drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, etc, etc.  Not because they have to, but because they can.

I'm going to step down off of my soapbox now.  Nobody even reads this, so I guess I'm not really preaching to anyone.  It just feels good to get these thoughts out of my head.  Who knows, maybe someday, someone will read this and think......

Just my thoughts.  

    

Farewell

I have been living with a bully for a very long time.  I have been put down, scared, teased, laughed at and intimidated for decades.  There was even a form of physical abuse that I had to endure.  This bully also turned me into a bully of sorts.  With the exception of physical abuse, I did all of these to others in my life.  I'm not proud of that.  I am very grateful that I have not damaged all of my loved ones by my past behavior.

Yesterday I confronted this bully with the help of my sister and one kick-ass Apache spirit guide.  Mr. Bully isn't laughing at me anymore.  He has been put in his place.  I say "he" because it definitely felt like a masculine energy.  The bully has left the building and will not be invited back today.  I would say that this bully will never be invited back, but I really just need to focus on today.  Who was the bully?  I am not 100% sure, but it was definitely growing inside of me for many, many years.  The bully came to me with good intention.  As a child  I needed the protection that this energy offered, but something went wrong.  That child became enclosed too deep.  She couldn't get out from under this protection.  She was trapped and whenever she tried to be independent of the bully it would quickly put her back in her place.  She has been liberated!!  Yes, she was a part of me.  It was bittersweet letting her go.  She's flying now.  She's soaring.  She is seeing everything for the first time and she's loving it.  

Here's what I'm doing today.  I'm creating a new life for myself.  I'm not leaving this space I call home, but I am definitely making all things about me new.  This is no easy task.  I have a ton of work to do.  Mentally, physically and spiritually.  I'm up for the task.  The energy that fills me is no longer heavy and dark.  It's now airy and bright.  I'm soaring also.

Just my thoughts.  

I'm not a very good listener

What is it about following the heart that scares so many people? Why do we have to care about what others will think? Why do others need to think anything anyway?

Do you know why I don't follow my heart? Fear and being uncertain about what my heart is saying. Listening is hard for me. I'm great at pretending that I'm listening, but if truth be told I very rarely "hear" what I'm listening to. That is sad. And it's incredibly rude. I wonder if people can tell that I'm not really listening to them. I know my kids can tell. They call me on it quite a bit. "Mom, are you listening to me?" and "You're not paying attention!!" are two things I hear more than I should.

So what should I do first? Listen to others so that I can begin to hear what my heart is saying, or listen to my heart so that I can begin to hear others? The answer I am receiving is that I need to listen to my heart before I can hear others. That makes sense. How can I give others something that I don't give myself? Pretending doesn't work. I am good at it, but it serves me no purpose.

"Act as if", is a big 12 step slogan. I hated acting as if. It didn't help me become that which I acted to be. It made me a liar. It made me a fake. My words never matched my heart. I believe that that false identity led me back into my addiction. I should have been told that the reason I was an addict was because I didn't trust myself and that all I had to do was truly embrace and love myself as I was. I should have been shown how to do that. I should have been shown how to listen.

I really don't want to focus on what happened back then. I just want to say that today I can only follow my heart if I listen to what is inside of me. I have a Divine Voice in me. We all do. That voice just needs to be heard. The heart only speaks the truth. There is no need to "act as if".

It is incredibly difficult to listen when my chaotic life is happening. All the noise and all the people that I feel I need to be responsible and present for can be a distraction. Learning how to be present and in the Now is a full time job right now. I may never receive any monetary compensation for this job, but what I will receive emotionally and spiritually are compensation enough.

So for today, I am going to follow my heart. I'm going to truly listen and hear and trust. Trust that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about what I do with my days. It only matters that I follow the Divine Guidance that I receive every single day.

The world would be a beautiful place if we all could do this.

Just my thoughts.

Jill

I'm just rambling today

I haven't posted here in some time. I have no excuses. I haven't been incredibly busy or sick. I have actually been unable to post because I didn't think that I had anything interesting to post. It's kind of sad to think that your life is uninteresting. My life could be interesting to me. I just wanted it to be interesting to other people. My life will probably never be interesting to others, so if I'm waiting for that I may as well delete my blog.

Today I post because my life can be interesting to me. I post for myself. I post so that I can get these ramblings out of my head. Keeping them in my head keeps me stuck in an uninteresting life. My mind if full of very interesting things. Today I don't know where to start. I don't know where to start in many things in my life. I don't know where to start my blog. I don't know where to start in getting myself out from under all the clutter I have accumulated in the last 12 years. I don't know where to start in my desire to get healthy again. I don't know how to start letting my kids live with the choices they make and not take on the burden myself. I don't know where to start in my journey to wake myself up from this dream called "Jill's Uninteresting Life".

I have my work cut out for me. The advice that I am always given is that it doesn't matter where you start, just that you start somewhere. So I guess I have started with this blog entry. I have a voice that needs to be heard. When I am able to get that voice to speak, life is good. When I stifle that voice, life is not so good. Right now life is bordering on the not so good side. That's not ok with me. Not so good, used to be ok with me. Today I am much more interested in life is good.

So what would life is good look like today? I would always know where to start. It's that simple. So here's a check list of what needs to happen:

1. Writing my blog.
2. Going through boxes of stuff.
3. Start walking again.
4. Letting my kids fall down and get up on their own.
5. Living a fully awakened life.

That's just 5 little things that could make my life more interesting. Does seeing this list make things look easier? Not to me. I still tell myself that it's impossible. There's only one thing keeping me from getting this list underway. Me. I know that I am my own worst enemy. Is knowing this supposed to help? Doesn't seem to help me. I have a knack for making things look hopeless, don't I?

I don't feel hopeless. I know that I will get to everything on my list. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I know that I am waking up a little more each day. My voice is coming out more and more. There will come a time when I hear myself and others hear me too. That's something to look forward to. That is something to help motivate me to just start somewhere.

I'll let you know if it works.

Just my thoughts.

Jill

Anticipation

Have you ever had the feeling that something big was about to happen? That's where I am today. Sitting here with all of this exciting energy radiating throughout my soul. It's not nervous dread. It's more like the anticipation of waking up on Christmas morning that a small child might have. Just pure joyful anticipation. I don't have any idea what is going to happen, but I'm sure it will happen within the next few weeks.

These last few days have lead up to this excitement. I'm not sure that I am prepared at this time to put to words what has happened to me, but I do want to say that it has been about revelations and complete surrender. I have learned more about myself in these last few days then I ever learned in all the 12 step meetings and therapy sessions I've attendedin the last 3 years. I can think of one thing that has brought me to this great revelation. That is trust. Pure trust and faith in who I am and in who I can be tomorrow. (I guess that's 2 things) Trust and faith in the Light within my heart that shines brightly so that I can just "be".

I have woken up from the dream I was living. Sometimes this dream was beautiful and other times is was a nightmare. I am finally awake. In the "now" as they say. I was asleep for a very long time. I was so deep in slumber that I have very few memories from my past. I have been getting bits and pieces here and there from old classmates and family. These snippets of my past are very valuable to me. I want to know all about myself and my childhood. I know that there were some awful times, but I am finding out about the beautiful ones too.

Now its all beautiful. Even the pain and frustration that I experience are beautiful. I experienced frustration today and I smiled and said thank you. I thanked the Universe for sending me screaming children and irritated older siblings who don't like screaming children. Did I feel better? The frustration remained, but the power attached to it was gone. So, yes I can say that I did feel better.

I hope that I can get to sleep tonight. I am just a bundle of energy that doesn't want to quit. I think that a lot of people are going through what I am going through and that many, many more will follow. Maybe that's what I'm anticipating. That people in my life are going to be waking up from their dream and being thankful for the good and the not so good.

Just my thoughts.

Jill

I get to choose

I have learned a lot about following your heart lately. I know that it sounds hokey. I've heard for years, through many different types of media, that we just need to follow our hearts. It never resonated with me because I did not think I knew what my heart wanted me to do. I didn't trust myself.

Most of my life I followed other people's hearts. I looked to others to define who I was and what I believed. I didn't trust myself. I didn't think that I knew what was right for me. I lived like this till January of 2009. That's when I broke free. I realized that the life I had been living was a lie. I wasn't following my heart. I finally believed that I got to choose who I was. It was like I was filled with a warm light.

I was excited about the possibilities. I chose to no longer be an addict of any kind. That's right. I chose to be free from addiction. I had to stop going to OA because it felt like a lie. Today I eat foods that were forbidden. I have had a glass of wine and a beer and didn't fall into the depths of hell that 12 steps groups promise will happen when you 'slip'. I didn't fall because its just food and drink. Nothing more. It holds no power over me. I am 50 lbs overweight. I am beautiful. Will I lose the weight again? Maybe, maybe not. The miracle is that I am not entombed by the number on a scale. I am free to eat as I choose. Most days I choose to eat in a healthy manner. Days like today I choose to overindulge some. Doesn't matter. It is just food.

It's been a couple of months now. I am going through some pretty intense changes. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. Some of these changes are pretty painful. I know that I am not alone. The world is changing along with me. So many others on this planet are making this same transformation. We are all evolving. Part of that evolution is following my heart. My heart knows the truth. My heart is where the Light is. When I don't follow my heart, fear takes over. A very wise and beautiful person in my life said it best. Love=Light, Fear=Dark.

I choose Light.

Just my thoughts

Jill

A sad goodbye

It appears that one of our neighbors is having most of their trees removed today. So now I have to sit and listen to chain saws all day. Worse yet, I feel loss. Those trees have been there for the 12 years we have lived here. I have to say goodbye to the trees that I used to enjoy looking at. I am filled with sadness for the trees and for the birds and squirrels that lived there.

Ava explains it simply. She looked out the window and said "oh dear". As the large evergreen tree top came down a squirrel ran down the trunk. It darted from tree to tree as if it were confused and frightened. Not knowing where to go or what to do. My heart was filled with sadness. I felt that tiny forest animals fear and confusion.

I've felt those emotions many times before. There have been times in my life where I have been fearful and confused for no reason. I would become frustrated because I would have absolutely no reason to feel those things, yet there they were. Very real. I am beginning to understand that I was feeling another living creatures feelings. Of course there are times when what I am feeling is mine. Everyone experiences loss and pain, but for those times like today, I know that it is just heightened empathy.

I find myself wanting to explore this empathic ability. Is it an ability? I guess I don't know what to call it. Maybe it wouldn't affect me negatively if I understood it better?

The next time I'm out and about and suddenly feel nervous and/or sad I think I'll look around and see if I can find the cause. Maybe the young mother with the crying infant next to me in line needs a warm smile. Maybe one of my own children is silently suffering and needs a hug of light. Maybe the man in the car next to mine lost his job, can't find another one and is about to lose his house.

I will not be able to ease the pain of all those around me, but just being able to take the focus off of me and put it on to those around me is good enough. It will help me to see that helping others is going to benefit both of us. I don't need to feel sorry for myself. I don't need to feel sorry for others. I just need to do what I can to put a little light in the people and other living things that I am surrounded by.

Right now Ava is screaming (literally) for my attention. It's not always going to be so obvious. Or is it?

Just my thoughts.

Jill