Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm just rambling today

I haven't posted here in some time. I have no excuses. I haven't been incredibly busy or sick. I have actually been unable to post because I didn't think that I had anything interesting to post. It's kind of sad to think that your life is uninteresting. My life could be interesting to me. I just wanted it to be interesting to other people. My life will probably never be interesting to others, so if I'm waiting for that I may as well delete my blog.

Today I post because my life can be interesting to me. I post for myself. I post so that I can get these ramblings out of my head. Keeping them in my head keeps me stuck in an uninteresting life. My mind if full of very interesting things. Today I don't know where to start. I don't know where to start in many things in my life. I don't know where to start my blog. I don't know where to start in getting myself out from under all the clutter I have accumulated in the last 12 years. I don't know where to start in my desire to get healthy again. I don't know how to start letting my kids live with the choices they make and not take on the burden myself. I don't know where to start in my journey to wake myself up from this dream called "Jill's Uninteresting Life".

I have my work cut out for me. The advice that I am always given is that it doesn't matter where you start, just that you start somewhere. So I guess I have started with this blog entry. I have a voice that needs to be heard. When I am able to get that voice to speak, life is good. When I stifle that voice, life is not so good. Right now life is bordering on the not so good side. That's not ok with me. Not so good, used to be ok with me. Today I am much more interested in life is good.

So what would life is good look like today? I would always know where to start. It's that simple. So here's a check list of what needs to happen:

1. Writing my blog.
2. Going through boxes of stuff.
3. Start walking again.
4. Letting my kids fall down and get up on their own.
5. Living a fully awakened life.

That's just 5 little things that could make my life more interesting. Does seeing this list make things look easier? Not to me. I still tell myself that it's impossible. There's only one thing keeping me from getting this list underway. Me. I know that I am my own worst enemy. Is knowing this supposed to help? Doesn't seem to help me. I have a knack for making things look hopeless, don't I?

I don't feel hopeless. I know that I will get to everything on my list. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I know that I am waking up a little more each day. My voice is coming out more and more. There will come a time when I hear myself and others hear me too. That's something to look forward to. That is something to help motivate me to just start somewhere.

I'll let you know if it works.

Just my thoughts.


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