Friday, January 22, 2010

I don't like to talk about this


As I sit down this morning to connect with my Spirit and the Divine, I find my mind is not wandering, but there is something that I am being pulled to think about. This is something that I don't address much. I don't think I'm afraid to talk about it, I think I just got tired of talking about it. So it became one of those "Shhh. I'm not going to talk about this anymore" subjects.

Anywho, what I'm feeling compelled to look at today is my....my...weight. Man, that was really hard to type. I am feeling resistance to finishing this post. Why? I think its because I know that there is a lot of judgement about being overweight out there in the world. There are a lot of people out there that think that if someone is overweight there is no way they can be happy. I know these people exist, because I used to be one of them.

I have struggled with my weight ever since I became a mother close to 22 years ago. I have been everywhere from 20 lbs to 120 lbs overweight. I am currently very much overweight. I don't know by how much because I don't step on the scale anymore, but because I have eyes in my head, I can clearly see that I am overweight.

I don't have a history of yo-yo dieting. I can count 2 times in my life that I actually tried to lose weight. The first time I lost maybe 40 lbs, which I gained back, and the second time I lost 120 lbs. I have not gained all of that back, but pretty darn close. I lost that 120 lbs when I got involved in a 12-step program for compulsive overeaters. If you want to know my opinion on addiction to food check out this post.

I used to be overweight and I hated myself. It would be easy to think that the reason I hated myself was because I was overweight. Or was I overweight because I hated myself? I struggled with that debate in my head for many years. Until I lost 120 lbs and still hated myself. Clearly my being overweight had nothing to do my relationship with me. I weighed 260+ pounds and I hated myself and I weighed 134 lbs and I hated myself. No matter what I weighed, when I looked in the mirror I saw an ugly woman. When I stepped on the scale I saw failure and felt disgust.

When I opened up my heart and allowed myself to be loved by me, all of that hate, ugliness, failure and disgust slowly disappeared. It didn't happen overnight, but today when I look in a mirror I see a beautiful, joyful, successful woman. I see the true me. I see someone who is overweight, but who is slowly breaking the poor eating habits I probably picked up when I despised myself.

I no longer look at overweight people and feel sorry for them because they hate themselves. I feel sympathy for anyone who hates themselves and who is convinced that they will never be good enough, but I really can't tell if that is happening unless I get to know that person. So I pass on being judgemental.

Everyone is beautiful, because everyone is a gift from the Divine. Everyone holds a light within themselves that just wants to shine. The body is a container. Yes, I want to protect that container so that I can finish whatever I have been called here to do. Good health is important, but only because it helps keep the spirit happy, not because its better to be a size 4 than a size 24.

My wish for all today is that when we look in the mirror we see the beautiful souls that we truly are.

Just my thoughts.

8 comments:

Sandi Delia said...

AMEN!!!!

I'll never forget the moment I was told by the head of the treatment center I was in (it'll be twelve years ago next week) that it was impossible to be both happy and fat. And for 11 1/2 years, I believed him.

And he was wrong. But I didn't know that until you and I met and started working through the myths perpetuated on us. I thank God for you every day.

septembermom said...

That's a beautiful wish for everyone. We do need to feel good about "the skin that we're in". I think so many people of all sizes are too critical of themselves.

You really are a blessing. Your words are full of positivity.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Sandi - And I thank God for you everyday also my friend.

Septembermom - Sadly, I think it is human nature to be critical. I also believe that it is our spiritual nature to live in complete acceptance of who we are. I just really want to spread that message. I am blessed by knowing you.

Stark Raving Zen said...

Taking care of ourselves is important. And the biggest aspect of taking care of ourselves is unconditional love. With that, the rest falls into place. I love you Jill.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Kristy - I always love your words of wisdom. Thanks for commenting here baby sis.

mercedes said...

Our synchronicities keep adding up. I was a bikini model in high school and now I could model as the before picture for a weight loss company. BUT! I'm comfortable (now) in who I am, and am focused on being healthier. I find it's making the gradual weight loss easier.
(Hugs)

shiny mamaof6 said...

Mercedes - I agree about the synchronicities we have. You definitely feel like a soul sister to me. ((Hugs)) back to you.

inkywasfat said...

Love that song. Ian is really into Curious George so I've heard it a gazillion times and sing it in my head for days afterward.