Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Change is hard

Change is hard. To be honest, I have been in and out of a bad mood since Saturday because of changes that I need to make. I don't know if its so much a bad mood, its more of a sad mood. A really dark, sad mood. I am extremely emotional and irritable at the same time. This bad day needs to go away.

Unfortunately I am stuck with it because I have not yet embraced this bad day. I have not yet looked my bad day in the face and said "I know that you're a bad day, and I know what you're trying to do." Normally I would follow that statement up with, "and it's not going to work." However, I am holding on to this bad day. Why would anyone choose to do that? Fear. Fear is what keeps me in this darkness.

My intuition is telling me that I have some changes to make and if I don't make them soon there will be some life-altering consequences. I'm afraid of these changes, and I'm afraid of the potential consequences. Today I battle with which I'm more afraid of. Since I'm stuck in this dark mood, I obviously am more afraid of the changes. Which explains my inability to do anything about it. It also explains this uneasy feeling in my stomach and my lower back & ankle pain and my recurring headaches. It also explains why I can't bring myself to post any comments on the fabulous blogs that I normally follow.

So now I have no other choice, but to go within and let my spirit speak. My ego has a tendency to get in the way of my joy. My ego doesn't want me to speak my truth. I can't be joyful if there are parts of my being that no longer serve me. The spirit says to embrace those parts of my 'self' that help me to shine and to accept that the dark parts exist. Those things that dim my spirit are still a part of who I am, so it is hard to just change. I know that I am light and I am dark. I do not believe that anybody can be all light. So my spirit says to just be. Just be my truest self and the light will always outshine the dark.

The changes that I need to make are an opportunity for me to shine a little brighter. They are a chance for me to get a little further down my path of spiritual awakening. They are a chance for me to live my life joyfully and truthfully.

Change is hard, but not being who I truly long to be is harder. I choose change.

See ya bad day.

Just my thoughts.


Jay Schryer said...

I'm glad you choose change. I know it's difficult, but it's always for the best. You'll feel much better having made the changes, and started on the new path.

Nina P. said...

Grieve today the loss of your change. Though change is the only constant and can be glorious, when we change we are letting go of part of the familiar, the old. We must grieve the loss. Bad days are a part of life, a part of change, grieve for the loss and look with joy towards a shinny future. Be gentle with yourself on down days and look towards the glimmer of shinny Hope that lives inside the one and only you. Thank you for sharing a part of yourself a part of your journey. This too shall pass. Remember a butterfly was once a caterpillar, having to go into a dark place to change and be reborn.... a glorious butterfly! Love and Light, Nina P.

mamaof6 said...

Jay - Thank you for your encouraging words. I know that these changes will bring me great happiness in the end. So I look to that as my reward for doing the hard work that I face.

Nina P - Grief is a good word for what I am feeling. I didn't think of that until I read your comment, but that is exactly how it feels. Like a piece of me is being taken away. So I enter that dark place so that I can become the butterfly that longs to fly and be free. Thank you.

inkywasfat said...

Do people really change? Just something I've been thinking about for some time now/ I know I make choices, but I'm not sure if I believe anymore that we change/// (The period on my keyboard stopped working today - I'm trying to figure out a graceful way around that :)

suZen said...

We are in a state of constant change, learning, adapting, evolving. Listen to Joe Dispenza on Youtube - his research on the brain is fabulous and very understandable. It's all about change. Hugs of encouragement coming your way!

mamaof6 said...

Inky - I do believe that people can change. I am not the person I was 6 months ago and my transformation is not yet complete. Change is hard, though, and I think that is why so many do not.

Suzen - Thank you for the encouragement and the Joe Dispenza recommendation. I will check it out.

septembermom said...

The change will be a good thing. I know it can be risky and scary, but you will grow in so many ways. Happiness is just around the corner for you. Good luck and hugs :)

mamaof6 said...

Thank you Septembermom for your words. I am excited about what is on my horizon. It is going to be hard at times, but I am finally strong enough.

Zeenat{Positive Provocations} said...

Jill, Change is inevitable. The sooner we accept the more fruitful it is for us. Today you might find the changes you're making hard, but look at it from the larger perspective and the acceptance of that change will be easier for your body, mind and soul. You are going in the right direction, just a few bumps and thumps on the way will make the end result that much more sweet.
Lots of Love and Luck!

Megan said...

Sending HUGE positive energy your way. May love fill every nook and cranny of your mind/body being.

mamaof6 said...

Zeenat - I do agree that my life will be much sweeter because of change. Accepting and committing to change will bring peace to my body, mind and soul.

Megan - Thank you so much for the positive energy. It does fill me up.

Dayne | said...

When I read your post, I thought of one amazing book you should read. It is called, "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron.

Learn acceptance, not resistance. For every peak, there is a valley. You will make it through, surrender to it.

To your happiness!