Saturday, July 18, 2009

This is me


I'm stepping out of my comfort zone today and posting a picture of myself. Actually it is not that big of a step. However, a few months ago it would have been a huge leap. I have struggled with seeing myself in pictures since childhood. I hated getting my picture taken. As I grew older it became a source of anxiety for me. If I knew that I was going to have to be in a picture I would be a nervous wreck.

I have no idea why I hated being in pictures as a child. As an adult I thought it was because I was overweight. Whenever I saw myself in a photo or on video I was disgusted. In 2006 I began a weightloss journey which lead me to a 120lb weight loss. Picture taking problem solved? Nope. I still hated seeing myself in photos. I would find any little flaw and it would be maginified.

It was obvious that I just didn't like me and no matter what I looked like, I would be against photos of myself. So, as in many weight loss stories, I gained a lot of my weight back. But I had begun to awaken spiritually at the time, and it was like I was seeing myself for the first time. I wasn't happy that I was gaining weight, but I didn't feel disgust either.

So what happened? How am I able to actually take a picture of myself and post it on the internet? My heart was opened to love. I was finally listening to my spirit and living my truth. I was seeing what living a joyful life could do. The lessons I've learned about acceptance, unconditional love and trusting myself, have opened my heart to see that I am a beautiful spiritual being. That if I don't love and accept myself I can never truly love and accept anyone else.

So today I weigh somewhere between my highest weight of 260+ lbs and my lowest of 127. For the first time in a very long time it doesn't matter how much I weigh. I am no longer driven by the number on a scale. I haven't weighed myself in months. I know that I need to lose weight, but only because I want to be healthy. My motivation in the past for weight loss has always been to look good.

I am filled with gratitude today for the life that I have. I am grateful for my beautiful family and friends. I see beauty all around me. Kind people, nature, children's wonder, these are all spiritual beauties. I never saw these things before I let my spirit out of captivity. Now they are everyday joys. I am one of those joys. You are one of those joys.

Have you taken a picture of yourself lately? Do it today, knowing that you are beautiful creation of spirit. Post it somewhere, blog about you, celebrate you and share the joy.

Just my thoughts.

7 comments:

Meagneato said...

This is lovely. :)
I've had many friends lose weight thinking it would bring them happiness or a better body image, and it didn't. I have friends that are about a size 2 or 4 and hate their bodies so much. This whole idea has really shifted my thoughts about myself. I'm with you, that I want to lose weight to be healthier, and not for good looks. It's still a journey, but I'm realizing that I can feel pretty and even sexy, regardless of my weight.
I <3 your picture. You are beautiful. :)

inkywasfat said...

You say, "This is me." I love that. (And I love that picture of you. Do you?) Anyway, I never thought much about the pictures I saw of myself until about three or so years ago. I began noticing that I hated them, and then just realized I'm not photogenic. No worries, I've decided. There are worse things, for sure.

Jan said...

Jill,
So glad to hear that you are speaking your truth! This is a bold and beautiful step and I, for one, am celebrating that you have taken it. You are a lovely, lovely woman. I hope you never doubt that again for we see your true essence. :-)

septembermom said...

That's a lovely, welcoming picture of you. I've been debating about putting my photo on the blog too. Maybe I'll follow your lead :) You have a beautiful spirit and a wonderful perspective on life. Congrats on celebrating you!

Caroline said...

I actually posted a photo of myself the other day... I too don't like myself in photos. I think it's a huge step to put yourself out there for the world to see...it's liberating.

Here's to coming out of our shells!

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Oh my gosh, you're beautiful! You have a gentle face that radiates God's love. What's more, you write beautifully.

As someone dear to me once said, "...you have a beautiful soul and only good things can come of it." I believe that to be true of you --- whether in pictures, words, actions, or otherwise.

How blessed to have "met" you for the first time today. You've given me many reasons to smile and I can't wait to enjoy more of your fabulous energy.

Tess The Bold Life said...

How lovely. How courageous. It hurts the most when we judge ourselves. I'm inspired by your decision to stop! You glow girl!