Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Two goodbyes

Wow! I'm am in the midst of yet another emotional upheaval. It feels different this time. Not quite as excruciatingly painful as the mess with Not-so-little #1. Yet when I compare what is going on this week with what happened then, I should be feeling worse. I know that the reason I am holding it all together is because of my newest practice of focused breathing. I am able to embrace my life and all that happens because of the peace I receive from my own breath.

Two monumental things are taking place in my life right now. First, my baby sister is moving from 5 minutes away to 18 hours away. In just a few short days I will have to watch her go off to follow her path. I have a very strong connection to my sister and it is very hard to think that I will not be able to physically see her whenever I need to. I know that the connection we have can not be loosened by miles of highway. I also know that she is going to be very happy where she is moving to and that is why I am not falling to pieces. We still have the telephone and Skype, so I can still "see" her often and now I have an excuse to vacation in New Mexico. Yay!!

The second monumental event that is pulling at my heart strings has to do with Little #6. Monday night marked the end of a very special connection that we have had for the past 4 years, 1 month and 2 days. Monday night my baby said goodbye to breastfeeding. I have been ready for her to be done for quite a few months now, but I have patiently waited till she was ready and allowed her to have 'milkies' at bedtime much longer than I wanted to. I felt in my heart of hearts that this was something that just had to come to an end when SHE was ready. She has been "ready" several times in the last two months, only to change her mind at bedtime once again.

This Monday that all changed. I knew in my heart that she was truly done. She looked at me and said she would have two milkies and that was all. Then she did something she has never done before. She looked at my breasts, touched them gently and said goodbye with what looked like tears in her eyes. And that was it. I let her stay on my lap a little longer than normal. I held her a little closer and gazed at her instead of the tv or a book. I didn't limit her to 5 minutes. I just let her be done when she was ready. That was our last time of sharing that bond that we have shared for so much longer than I ever imagined.

It has been hard to let her grow up. She is the baby. The last baby I'll have and so this meant the true end of an experience that I have cherished with all my littles. She nursed longer than any of the others. She has struggled in her little life more than any of the others also. I suppose that has a lot to do with her need to have this connection with me.

So I have said 1 goodbye this week and have another in a few days. Two very major changes, yet I feel more centered and joyful and alive than I have in years. I feel so much love and light. I am not done crying yet, but that is ok. My tears are a reminder that I am a spiritual being who has feelings and emotions that are to be felt and shared. Not be kept bottled up tight. Not to be dried before they even get to fall. Saying goodbye feels good and hurts at the same time. I am just so grateful that I am willing to allow the good and the bad.

Just my thoughts.


Meagneato said...

Dang totally choked me up with this post. :'(

Stark Raving Zen said...

Remember your own powerful words, which have made all the difference to me... "It's not goodbye- it's see ya." I love you Jill. And I'm taking you with me. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it's been a message delivered to me over and over... :)

Caroline said...

Saying goodbye is so hard. But good things await on the horizon. You will be able to travel someplace wonderful to see your sister...and thank goodness for telephones! As for the little one...she is growing up. A new phase awaits.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Meagan - Thanks for the hugs. I totally chocked me up on that post also. ;)

Kristy - Love you too. I know exactly what it means.

Caroline - Thank you, Caroline. I am looking forward to the traveling. And I say bring on the next phase for Little #6. I'm ready for anything.

mermaid said...

Just your thoughts, and your heart breaking and remodeling to hold so many endings and new beginnings. You tell your stories with such fierce honesty. You are planting more seeds of strength with each telling.

Jan said...

okay, jill, you made me cry with this one. yep...i am holding you and yours in heart and prayer as you navigate more transitions. such a beautiful spirit you have...

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Oh my gosh, Jill, my heart goes out to you. I hear your strength, and see how resilient you've become even since I started reading your blog, but two goodbyes in one week... It's a lot. Very touching to read what you're going through, and how you're dealing with it. I'm sending good thoughts your way, and warm energy hugs to greet you whenever you feel the need for them.
Be well, and know you're tremendously loved.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Mermaid - I really do feel more strength with each post. Just not sure I like the endings.

Jan - I cried with you and I am grateful that you have prayers for me.

Megan - Even though I am in great emotional pain, I feel those hugs and hear the good thoughts. Thank you my friend.