Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The second first day of school

Littles 3,4 & 5 started their second year of school today. It has been one of those days where I am a mixture of happy and sad. Sad, because I miss them when they are gone and happy because I am enjoying this one-on-one time with Little #6. I started getting a bit unnerved last week with the thought of sending them off to school again.

I seriously considered going back to homeschooling. As the clutter has been cleared from our home I have felt a definite strengthening of my relationship with my precious family. I want to be around them. I want to share in their everyday adventures. When the clutter was here I had a hard time feeling this closeness. I felt suffocated and unfortunately that feeling often left me feeling like I was being crowded out, which often kept me emotionally detached. I homeschooled for 5 years feeling this way. It was a constant struggle.

When I had finally reached my breaking point and decided to put the kids in school, I felt like a failure. I did not want to put them in school, but I knew that I needed a break. Now I see that my spirit was telling me that it was time to take care of Jill. It was time to focus on Jill's needs. I could not do that with the Littles at home all day, every day.

When the Littles went off to school last year, my life took a turn for the worst. I couldn't even bring them to school on the first day. I didn't want them to see me crying. I didn't want to scare them anymore than they were already scared. When I think back to last fall, I see pain and more pain. Everything fell to pieces. I felt like a complete failure, I jumped back into my food addiction and I let the house fall to pieces even more than it already was.

In January things took another turn. I started to see glimpses of my spirit shine through all of the pain. I finally came to believe that I got to choose what and who I was to be. I dropped the failure and food addict labels. Since then my transformation has been slow and steady. Today I am free from food addiction and I have been freed from the need to hold on to the mountain of clutter. I do not feel like a failure. My days are pain-free and my spirit is shining bright.

So last week when I started to feel the desire for our care-free homeschool lifestyle, I seriously contemplated it. I turned to the Divine and asked for guidance and this is what I heard. I heard a very loud panicky voice say, "Keep them home, they need you!!!" As I listened I also heard a very soft, peaceful voice say two words. "Just wait." I knew that that quiet voice was the Divine Guidance that leads me and that the loud obnoxious voice was my ego trying to trip me up again.

So today I wait. I will homeschool again. I don't know when or who, but my intuition tells me that it will happen. I'll wait till I know the time is right. The Littles like their school. Little #3 is not as convinced as the other two, but he's ok for now.

Everybody is home now, relaxing from their 2nd first day of school. I am at peace and am enjoying this beautiful life we have. I am getting geared up to start Phase 2 of decluttering our home. I am also getting geared up to go back to school myself. Slow and steady is the plan from here on out.

Just my thoughts.


Zeenat said...

HI Jill,
You have made tremendous progress in the last few weeks. Today was another little bump...but you went above it and came out with flying colors. Your spirit is now getting stronger for now you truly are focusing on your needs and you now Know what you want. This a very big achievement. May God give you the strength to continue and prosper in all you intend to do.

Jay Schryer said...

This is a really beautiful and inspiring post, Jill! I'm so happy that you have found a path through the darkness of clutter and shame, and are now in a much better place, both physically and mentally.

Truly, you are a light and a blessing to this world.

bettyann said...

Thank you for visiting my blog..your words mean much to me...take care yourself...

Nina P. said...

I think we are all proud of you. You're honoring your journey and taking your path. May you honor yourself as well as others. We so often forget we are to love ourselves as our neighbor... You have grown so much and have so much potential. I think you should go back to school. It's never too late to do the unexpected and fill an unfulfilled dream. The littles and Mr. will appreciate yet another one in school. We are all students of life. Many blessings to you and yours and my everyone enjoy school. (maybe even yourself). Love and Light, Nina P.

Someone Nice said...

Congratulations on making Jill a priority. Putting onself first may not always pop to mind when we think of being helpful/available/loving to others. But it is the absolute foundation required to make all of those things possible.

And I'm with you on the clutter. Having less is so very nice!

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Oh my gosh, that's just fantastic. The still quiet voice that rises from deep within us, not as hurried and desperate as the egoic voice that wants to keep us fearful. You put that beautifully...

I do love seeing the pictures you post - it's cool connecting faces with the Littles' names. So thanks for that.

I also appreciate how forthcoming you are with your story. I read your words and think, "She's me, and I'm her. My sister is making great, great progress in her corner of the world, and likewise over here." It's a beautiful thing, and I'm grateful to be able to read your words and share in your life's unfolding!

mermaid said...

I appreciate your description of the Divine voice and the ego voice. I often rush into things, thinking I am hearing the Divine voice, when it is really my ego pushing me to get something done. Pausing to allow really helps in distinguishing the two.

Your journey through guilt and freedom is so precious.

Lisis said...

Oh, Jill... I am SO feeling your pain about this issue. We just started third grade (but just one child, whole different scenario). Still, I am constantly torn between:

a) By keeping him home am I depriving him from some great life experience out there, just because I want to have him close to me?


b) If I send him to school because I need to work or could use the "me time", will I be hurting him long term?

I really don't know the answers. I do know that if your kids are happy at school, then I wouldn't worry about it. What would bother me is if I put Hunter in school and he HATED it... cried about it every day... started losing interest in learning. But if he was happy and thriving, I would just take his cues and stick with it (even if I missed having him around).

I guess I'm saying... be extra attentive to how your kids are responding to school. If they are fine with it, you should be too. If you know they are not... well, it might be worth re-evaluating things.

Life is all about constantly re-evaluating, since the variables are always changing. Right?

Either way, you're doing an awesome job and I know you want the best for your family. What more could anyone ask? :)

Tess The Bold Life said...

A good mother puts herself first. You can't give what you don't have. They are learning how to take care and love themselves by watching you. A gift that's so valuable it will effect the rest of their lives in a positive manner. What can be better than that. Thanks for sharing with such honesty.

Tess The Bold Life said...

A good mother puts herself first. You can't give what you don't have. They are learning how to take care and love themselves by watching you. A gift that's so valuable it will effect the rest of their lives in a positive manner. What can be better than that. Thanks for sharing with such honesty.

septembermom said...

You so often write things that I need to tell myself. You have such a gift in sharing inspiration to all us moms. The kids' photo is cute!

Jan said...

Jill, I am so mesmerized by your shining spirit. It is bright! What a wise woman you are to know to just listen, to wait, to surrender to time and see what unfolds...You are a great mom, I can tell. xo

shiny mamaof6 said...

Oh my goodness. I haven't had a chance to respond to any of your beautiful comments till now. Since I am exhausted I would just like to say thank you to ALL of you. You are all walking along side of me on this journey and my spirit is able to be free because of the support and encouragement I receive here. I am blessed with two beautiful families. My family here in person and my family here in the blogosphere. I reserve a special place in my heart for all of you. Peace always.

Caroline said...

You are far from a failure! You needed to go through that experience. Look what you have learned! I agree with Jay 100%

You are an inspiration. Take it slow...no need to rush. Everything will fall right into place.

suZen said...

Hi Jill,
Change is a process - and you have made so many!! We humans cannot just flip a switch and bang, everything is changed, done. Just breathe, spend more Jill-time in conversation w/the Divine, go for some lovely fall walks. Give yourself time to be in love - with YOU.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Caroline - I do believe that I needed to go through all that has happened to me. All that has happened has brought me to a place of peace and happiness. Thank you for the reminder to take it slow.

Suzen - I really embrace the idea of being in love with me. I will take more Jill time. Fall is my favorite time of the year, so walks would be perfect.