Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Avoiding consequences

So stepping back from not-so-little #1 and her problems hasn't been as easy as I thought it was going to be. The strength that I felt just a few days ago has all but vanished. All I feel right now is a very real pain. I feel loss. I want so much for all of this to just go away, yet I can't stop feeling this negative energy that surrounds me. I know that I am holding on to it. I won't let it go.

I'm not very good at practicing what I preach. I am saying that my daughter needs to suffer the consequences of her actions, but I am trying to avoid the consequences of mine. Mr. Man and I have made some bad choices where not-so-little #1 is concerned. We have helped her out of some financial messes and now those decisions are biting us. So this pain that I'm feeling is the same pain that she should be feeling. I don't think that she feels it, however. Why should she? I have never allowed her to truly face her consequences.

I want to totally step back from this, but if I do it will mean a pretty big financial hit on Mr. Man and myself. If I don't step back and make some offers to help it will still mean a pretty big financial hit. So this is where my dilemma lies. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. There is no simple answer here. It may seem simple. Just don't help her. Simple, but not easy.

I guess I haven't learned how to be the kind of mother who can detach from her kids in a healthy way yet. I can detach from little messes, but bigger than life messes still trip me up. I still want so much for my kids to be happy, productive people, and if they are not I feel pain for them. I feel pain for their spirits that just want to be joyful and free, but are being held captive. In this case, I feel so much pain that I want to make it go away. I want to do whatever it takes to get rid of this darkness that seems like it is taking over.

My point in all of this is that I have to suffer the consequences of my actions. I can't make them go away. I can't have someone sweep in and make it all better. Mr. Man and I messed up. We will probably be fine in the end, but for now it feels pretty crappy. I, we, have to let not-so-little #1 do the same. Again, simple but not easy.

Just my thoughts.


Jay Schryer said...

I feel your pain, Jill. I wish I had something wise to say that would make it all better, but I just don't. Sending you hugs instead...

Stark Raving Zen said...

I love you Jill. The way to prevent the darkness from overtaking you is to love it- then let it go. Let the Light take over and do its job. You can't overcome her darkness for her. It's too big a job. Love it. Love her. But let them go. It doesn't mean death for her, Jill. It means freedom to make her choices, and live with them. It means survival.

Caroline said...

Here is the wisdom I will pass on to you (it comes from my Mom).

This too shall pass.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this dark place...but soon it will be behind you. Think about what you all have learned...


suZen said...

Jill, your mom card is something you cannot give away - of course you are going to hurt when your kids do! But there comes a time, sounds like you are there, when all you can do is be there to listen, not do anything, fix anything. If you do bail her out, what does that teach her?

I have grown kids - the mom card is still in my wallet. They both know I love them and want the best for them. In the past my daughter screwed up BIG time, had to move back home, get 2 jobs to pay off the debts of her insanity and pay off legal bills. It humbled her beyond what she thought she could ever stand.

Those simple words "This too shall pass" - perfect! Sending hugs! Send an email if you need to "talk" - I'll always be there for you!

Zeenat said...

Jill, I remember when i was a teenager and would rebel and scream at the top of my lungs when i wouldn't get my mum would get so tired and just sit and cry. And then ofcourse after all the drama i would sit and cry with her for upsetting her so much. The one thing she used to tell me "when u have kids of your own, you will understand why I correct you or tell you so many things"
At that time...i seriously didnt understand, but now when i have a kid of my own-i do understand the pain...
As for the damned if you do damned if you dont situation...i think one thing will work...Prayer. Pray cause its only in keeping the faith will you find peace and your little one find the right way. And God willing in no time you and your home will be SHINY again.
I'm here for you if you need to vent or just need to unburden.
Lots and lots of love and hugs and prayers.

Nina P. said...

This is where the 12 step programs come in handy. Little slogans sound so simple. But we all know they are not. Yet... They hold answers. Keep it simple; Let go and let God; Turn it over (to God); One day at a time and This too Shall Pass.... Easy little slogans, filled with promise and hope, and if you can follow them... they bring you to the other side.... ALANON teaches to Let go with Love. You can't change another person, only yourself, your actions, your thoughts... No one can make another person change. So we use Tough Love.... separate ourselves from the problem with Love and I may add Light. The problem (or person) might crash and burn for a while, but when they reach their bottom, you will be there with arms wide open, with Love and Compassion.... again not easy, go to an Alanon meeting and you'll hear firsthand how people "cope" with things/people that are out of (their) control. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Love and light, Nina P.

Nina P. said...

I just saw this this morning and it is wonderful It's called the PUSH. Cut and past the link above and then about half way down the page you'll see "watch movie" it's heartfelt and so true... Mother eagle teaches her littles to fly!
Enjoy. Love and light, Nina P.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Jay - It's comforting to know that others are or have been where I am. The hugs are always a blessing.

Kristy - The Light is here and I'm am back to feeling strong enough to step out of the way.

Caroline - Your mother is very wise woman. I'm glad that the dark is giving way to much Light.

Suzen - It sounds like we have a common bond. I am not giving up on her yet. I think she has a long, long road ahead, but I'll let her travel it. Thanks for the hugs.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Zeenat - You are right about prayer. I tend to let my prayer and meditation go when things get really crazy. That is the time when prayer is the most crucial. So thank you for the reminder that I am not alone. The Divine is always with me and with my little. Thank you.

Nina P. - Thank you for the ALANON suggestion. I have not been to a meeting in a very long time. I pulled out some of my literature and see that I was only adding to my sadness by trying to control what she does.

And thank you for movie link. I am doing my best to push also.

Christine said...

I don't have any advice for you, but Stark Raving Zen's comment sounded great! Very much like something I would do. Sending love to a bad situation has always been helpful in dealing with problems for me. Good luck!

Megan "JoyGirl!" Bord said...

Hi, Jill,

I'm a little behind in my blog reading, but wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts, and like all the great comments you received, I believe in all the love you share and that's being sent your way. I believe we manifest lessons for ourselves, and sometimes in ways that seem asinine at the time (why would anyone want their child to hurt, or for themselves to hurt?). Our spirits know better, and know what we need. This situation is perfect, as is however you deal with it. Trust in your own perfection. And know that you have a huge fan base to support you energetically and emotionally.