Monday, June 22, 2009

Find your voice

I am really feeling the need to be heard. My spirit is trying to bust out and I am not going to keep her quiet anymore. Actually, I can't keep her quiet. If I hold in what my heart is longing to say I will die. Maybe not a physical death, but definitely a spiritual death. I also believe that we can get physically sick from not honoring our true spirit/self.

I do have to admit that it is very difficult for me to always speak up. I have struggled most of my life with giving, giving, giving and asking nothing in return. That is a hard habit to break. I can convince myself that if I think of myself first, that I am being selfish. I give in to the mindset that says once you become a mother you need to sacrifice certain things and live for your children. Sorry, but that is bullshit. When I sacrifice for the sake of my children, I am not showing them how to truly love. I am showing them how to put others in front of themselves and silencing that joyful voice that wants/needs to be heard. I don't want that for my kids. I don't want that for myself.

I'm not saying that giving of myself is bad. I'm saying that giving of myself at my expense is bad. If I am giving with resentment that is not giving. That is being a martyr. There are too many martyrs in this world. Giving of myself freely and joyfully is unconditional love. I am much more able to give unconditional love if I am loving myself unconditionally also. I am admitting here today that I often struggle with giving unconditional love. As I become more aware of this, I see that I only do it at those times in my life when I am not using my voice.

When I don't use my voice these things happen. My kids take advantage of me, my husband and I resort to idle chit chat as a means of communication, I gain weight, I get sick, my body aches, I am incredibly bored, my house becomes an absolute disaster, I am very judgmental, I become very insecure, I am full of resentment, I don't like my kids or my husband, I stop feeling joy and sorrow. You get the idea. All of my life is affected by my use of that joyful voice in my heart that needs to speak. We all have that voice. It can show me the way to truly living as the authentic/spiritual being that I am.

These days, I do whatever it takes to get that voice out. I read other blogs to see how others do it. I practice saying the first thing that comes to my mind, instead of the 3rd or 4th. I read books on how to tap into my spirit. I have been spending a lot of time on the computer lately. Time that I used to feel guilty about. I am doing this for my best interest. It is paying off. I am seeing, feeling, hearing and speaking from my spirit for the first time.

Now, I need to go do a ton of laundry. I can do this freely, without resentment, because I have taken some time to let my voice speak. I have put my needs first and am able to joyfully do laundry now. Did I just say joyful and laundry in the same sentence? A true miracle.

How are you going to use your voice today?

Just my thoughts.

6 comments:

inkywasfat said...

Sometimes when I write I seem blunt or rude when I really didn't mean to. With that said I really want to know (if you could hear my voice, it's pleading to know) what to do when your back is aching and the best thing is for you to lay down, shut the door . . . but you can't because you have a 3 year old, and let's face it, he likes to believe he doesn't need me, but the fact is I probably keep him from accidentally killing himself about 3 times a day. I sacrifice myself the. I think I have to. What say you?

mamaof6 said...

Unfortunately some 3 year olds do need to be supervised very closely. Mine doesn't do anything that would hurt herself, but she will single-handedly destroy the house if I left her unattended. When my back is just so bad that I need to lay down, I pull out a movie and she sits with me to watch. What does he like to do? If there is absolutely nothing he will do, other than hurt himself, then you need to get some help. Local teen, older sibling, spouse. Anybody that can sit with him so you can take care of you. Being healthy and and as close to pain free as possible is crucial for you and your spirit.

You don't have to sacrifice you. Really you don't. This probably doesn't help, but if I were nearby I'd come keep an eye for you.

Just my thoughts.

Life Potentials Network said...

Mama, you sound wise beyond your years. I wish I had known all this when I was raising my family. I did not learn these lessons early enough! Well, it was probably perfect timing for me actually. things usually work out as they are meant to! but I was a late bloomer!
You are great to be sharing your wisdom with others. I had a fabulous neighbor when my kids were very very young...she had had 6 kids too but they were all grown by the time we moved next door to her. She came over more than once and said "I know you are hanging on by your fingernails....why don't you go out by yourself this afternoon and I'll watch the kids." Believe me, a friend like her probably saved my life and theirs too! Especially because at the time my husband was gone most of the time...he worked "on the road". And I had no car. Oh my. Those were the days. Anyway, thanks for sharing your wisdom!
xo

Nina P. said...

I’m one of 6 and I have no clue how my Mom did it… Cloth diapers and no clothes dryer…. I admire her…For me, I don’t have children but I do know about acknowledging your inner voice. I think as women we’re taught (or at least part of my generation was) that our needs should be second, and at that time, children seen but not heard. A common belief for generations even before mine.
Somewhere deep in our psyche, we’re taught to hold in our voice/ our needs. And if you did do anything to paper yourself or speak up for yourself, you were looked down upon and being selfish.
Well there are two kinds of selfish. The negative; “you can’t have it it’s mine“ …. And the positive; “I need a few moments to myself and I’ll be right with you“…. One kind is heartless (well kind of..) and the other is heart felt. How can we truly care for another until we care for ourselves. If I’m frustrated, upset, disappointed, angry, pushed aside…. I’m going to reflect those emotions back at unsuspecting souls and when I least expect it. It only takes a feather sometimes to topple the tight rope we’ve set ourselves to walk upon. Take a few moments to “sooth your soul”: read, write, call a friend, blog, take a bath… etc… pamper yourself, your soul, and you’ll be better able to handle what needs to be handled… A very wise man once said: “Love your neighbor AS yourself”… Seems we tend to forget the AS Yourself part!

Kids are our responsibility that’s for sure, but, when they’re down for a nap, or out playing with the neighbors kids and supervised… It’s OK to slip away for some “me” time… Someone said I should take my own advise. I was always the first to tell someone else to take a break, take care of themselves, etc.. yet when someone suggested it to me… never…
Now I do take breaks and feed my soul. I write (and yes ramble like here) and you know what? I’m happier and I feel the people around me are too…. They sense my stress level down and my Joy level UP!!
Keep writing, keep sharing your voice… Keep taking those small minute vacations from the hectic days of raising kids!! Love and Light. Nina P.

Jan said...

Jill,
What a wonderful post! I am so glad to hear that you are learning how to use your voice and speak your truth--and to take much needed time for you so you don't give to others out of guilt, or resentment, or deplete yourself along the way. (Been there, done that! And I would not wish it on anyone. Perhaps that is why I write what I do--prevention of relapse and preventative education for others.)

It sounds like you are in a powerful place in your journey. Reading and connecting with wise others does help. May your spirit be blessed and may it find renewal.

septembermom said...

Trying to find the authentic you is a noble pursuit. I so often talk about sharing my voice through my writing. Blogging has been a wonderful outlet for me to express myself in a variety of ways. I'm so glad to find your blog.