Wednesday, February 24, 2010

LOL!! And I'm not talking about laughing.

I have a heavy heart today. Heavy because I am disappointed. I am disappointed in my lack of being able to Love Out Loud.  My heart is full of Love. I extend that Love to many, many people each day in my meditation.  I feel my heart center opening with each release of this Love.  Yet, I struggle to share this Love Out Loud.  I feel uncomfortable when I know someone is hurting because I'm afraid I'm not going to say or do the right thing.  I regress back to a time when I didn't feel good enough.  When I felt I was of no value.

I know that I am good enough and that I have value, but for whatever reason, I have a difficult time with expressing Love directly with those I care about.  Namely, my family.  I seem to pull pack and just let my relationships slide.  I am quick to get angry with the Littles and Mr. Man over meaningless things.  I still give my Love to my family members, but it is all on an Energy level.  I think they need more than that.  I think they deserve more than that.  My siblings need more communication and connection from me.  My Littles and Mr. Man need more patience and kindness from me.

I'm not expecting myself to be perfect here.  I know that I can not be everything for everyone.  I know there are going to be days when I am cranky or dealing with my friend, SAD.  On those days, I will not be my best person.  I will make plenty of apologies, but on all the other days, I could be more gentle, more open, more Loving. 

My struggle and the reason I have a heavy heart is that I don't know how to make myself do these things.  They should come naturally, shouldn't they?  Shouldn't all this Love that I feel in my heart & soul be expressable on a physical level and not just through energy?  Am I broken?  Can I be fixed?  I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but I know I will find them.  The Divine will answer each of my questions at just the right time.  I hope the time is now, but I also know I can't force an answer.  Forced answers are usually wrong answers.

It took me unintentionally hurting someone near and dear to me to get me really focusing on this issue.  I don't want to hurt the people I Love.  I only want them to know that I Love them always, even if I am not talking to them on a regular basis.  Even when I bite their heads off because they interrupted something I was doing.  I just need to figure this whole Loving Out Loud thing before I push all of my loved ones away.

Just my thoughts.


Jay said...

Oh, Jill. You're not broken, and you don't need to be fixed. You're absolutely beautiful and perfect just as you are.

I never know the right things to say or do when someone is hurting, either. What I do (and this usually yields positive results) is just listen attentively and let the hurting person do all the talking.

I think that when people are hurting, they really just want to feel like they're being heard; that someone is really and truly listening to them. Just knowing that someone cares enough to listen is often a huge help, and more meaningful than any words you could say.

Hope this helps...


Stark Raving Zen said...

Jay's words are meaningful and brilliant. Just being heard is all that anyone can ask for. And on the flip side, if someone feels hurt and doesn't tell you for four months until it spills over into a mini-rant, they have to own up to some of that too. The beauty of Positive Psychology, and the reason why I've jumped completely into its camp, is the baseline tenet of "We are all whole". None of us are broken beyond repair. We all have the ability, the innate gift, to right our ships occassionally. We just need to SEE where we're faltering. My falter pattern right now is that when I get stressed I get incredibly INSECURE, because I don't have time to balance all of those spinning plates in the air with the perfection I push myself toward. I have many things to strive for, as all of us do. But with each "crack" we identify and fortify through understanding, love, and acceptance, we become that much stronger. So, look within, but don't beat yourself up. That's all we can do. I love you.

mermaid said...

Perhaps the degree of aggression we practice with others is a reflection of the aggression and judgment we have against ourselves.

One of the hardest lessons in my life is to love myself unconditionally, especially through the difficult days. It's easy to love me when I am "good", but harder when I am "bad".

"Good" and "Bad" distinctions don't help me, because I'm favoring one over the other, when I know we each have the capacity for both.

May you be gentle with yourself.
May you love all parts of you, and find moments where you have loved out loud. May you reflect upon those moments.
May you trust that your heart is larger than the small mind that makes you believe those hurtful stories.
May you forgive yourself for unskillful actions.

May you look upon a thing of great beauty and know that you are seeing you.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Jay - I really appreciate your kindness and the way you handle others pain in wonderful. I can listen, and I do. I just get hung up on fixing things. When my Littles hurt someone, I help them figure out how to make the other person feel better, if they can. I guess I just need to keep it simple and do the same myself.

Kristy - I am blessed to have such a beautiful soul for a sister. I'm not going to say that I don't deserve you, because I totally do, but I am very very blessed. I can look within, it just gets scary in there sometimes. :)

Mermaid - My biggest vice is that I do struggle with loving myself unconditionally at times. I expect a lot from myself. I love this blessing that you have left for me. I intend to copy it and place it near my evening meditation space, so that I can extend that inward to myself and outward to you as well.

suZen said...

Hi Jill! You have some very loving comments - I second them all, especially not to be yourself up. This unconditional love for ourselves is sometimes our biggest struggle. I know it took me what seemed to be forever but the words of Wayne Dyer played in my head all the while - "You cannot give OUT what you do not have INSIDE"

Maybe I could have been a better mother. Maybe I could have been more patient, more this, more that. It is what it is. My grown kids tell me today - 15 yrs later - what a wonderfully supportive and encouraging mom I was - that is what they remember, not all the little times I screamed.

Relax. Love YOU. Perfection belongs to the Divine, not us.

Big hugs,

Nina P. said...

Be gentle with yourself and forgive with love. Use that love that you meditate and pray about and let it spread over you, shine it's Light over you, and be you, you are Love, Love is You, they are one in the same... When you feel anger, frustration or an emotion coming over you or out of you, hesitate, take a deep breath , focus on that negative energy and exhale it out... before you say or do anything.. inhale Love, forgiveness, compassion... do this a couple of times and , at least for me, I no longer feel that intense frustration, anger, etc... it has been deflated as I exhaled it out and is replaced by a calmer head/thought.... now when I speak, I can speak with clarity of what is at hand rather than from anger or frustration.... Since I've been doing this hesitation technique (home, work, driving, shopping... family, friends, pets... economy (well maybe not so much there yet---smiles), My words are more compassionate.. I still get my pint across and people actually listen since I'm not raising my voice or coming from anger/frustration... It's a practiced technique...
Family background plays a part as well. It, however, can be changed as well. Ours was not a huggy family growing up. We loved each other, we just didn't do the huggie-kiss thing that I saw other families do. In college I saw how families hugged and said I love you etc... well I vowed to start making the change... at first it was received stiffly, a quick hug and pat on the back... practice makes perfect and now we are all a family of Love & Hugs. I started with saying I love you before I hung up the phone when I called. Start small but be consistent... You'll be amazed at the transformation!! Be Love... and you will have no choice but to shine and share... you won't be able to stop it from oozing out of you! ((smiles)) Blessings to you and yours. Love and Light, Nina P