Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Knowing when to stay down
A friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a while has reappeared in my life. I have had a rocky relationship with this friend. We have never gotten along and I always ended up feeling like less of person when they were around. I have one memory of this friend coming to visit and leaving me curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably. Have you had a friend like that? Someone you spend a lot of time with, but usually end up wishing they would just go away.
I ended my relationship with this friend a number of years ago. I just decided that I had had enough and that I would be better off if we were apart. Surprisingly, my friend willing ended our relationship. I suppose there were plenty of other people that this friend could torture.
There have been a number of times in the past few years that this friend has attempted to re-enter my life. Never showing their face, but always standing in the background watching me. I was usually able to ignore their presence. There were rare moments when we would actually have contact and I would spend the next 24 hours feeling miserable.
So this friend has come into my life once again and this time they are not just standing in the background. This time we are spending a lot of time together. As a matter of fact, my friend is here with me as I write this post. Holding my hand. Helping me to say what I need to say. My friend has taught me that sometimes when you get knocked down its ok to just stay there. Its ok to wrap myself up in a blanket and stay there for a few days. I have learned from my friend that when Mr. Man asks me what he can do to make me feel better, that its ok to tell him that there is nothing he needs to do to make me feel better. That I just need to be down until its time to get up again. I have learned that when my friend knocks me down, it only makes it worse when I jump up kicking and screaming. The fighting only makes my friend hang on even tighter.
I have no idea how long my friend and I will be together this time. This friend used to stay for months at a time, giving me a few short weeks of a break, before returning. My guess is that this will be a short stay. We are helping each other through a hard time right now. My friend is supporting me through the events in my life which have become too big to cope with, and I am supporting my friend with the realization that I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid to spend time with this friend who used to terrify me.
I won't tell you my friends name. I'm pretty sure that a lot of you have spent time with this friend too. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you feel like I should just kick this friend to the curb and get up and get on with life. I will get up. I will be my bright and shiny self again. I will get back into life. But for today, I am wrapped up in a blanket of sadness. Every once in a while I will peek my head out to see how it feels out there. I know that I can fold the blanket up at any time and put it away, but right now it feels like I just need to stay down for a bit longer. I'll let you know when I'm ready to get up again.
Just my thoughts
Posted by Jill at 10:00 AM