Tantrums aren't just for kids anymore

Little #6 is 4 years old. Out of all my kids, she is the best tantrum thrower I have been blessed with. We experience no less than 3 tantrums from the baby Little daily. Some are short lived and some are dragged out for what feels like an eternity. She throws tantrums for the usual reasons. Not getting to do what she wants to do, having to do something she doesn't want to do, somebody touched her, somebody looked at her, nobody will play with her, somebody wants to play with her, etc., etc., etc.

Basically it comes down to the fact that just about anything will bring on a tantrum from this precious little flower. These past few days I have grown incredibly irritated by her tantrums. It is obvious to me by the amount of times each day she ends up screaming and throwing herself on the floor, that my baby Little is in a bit of a funk. It reminds me of what I'm like when I'm in a funk. How out of sync I feel and how I tend to be lacking in patience and understanding.

Yesterday I was definitely out of sync right along with baby Little. My tantrums look different from hers, however. I don't take my socks and shoes off and throw them. I don't scream. I don't start crying. Wait a minute. Yes, I do start crying and I am screaming up a storm on the inside. (But I do NOT take my socks and shoes off and throw them.) So maybe my tantrums aren't that different after all.

What led up to my tantrum yesterday? I woke up in a foul mood. I even grumbled through my meditation. Then I remembered that it was Tuesday.

Tuesday and Thursday are the days of the week that I volunteer at the Littles' school in the morning. I have grown to really dislike Tuesday and Thursday. I help out in two classes. Both of them math classes. I have always had an aversion to math. So I found it somewhat humorous that I would be asked to help out in the subject that makes me feel the most inadequate. I am no longer amused.

So I decided yesterday that I didn't want to go to school and nobody could MAKE me. I was tired of helping out in classes that made me feel stupid. The math curriculum they use is stupid and I didn't want anything to do with it. Who does math like that? I want to be a free-spirit and my spirit doesn't want to do math. Blah, blah, blah. So you see, I was really set on NOT helping out. And I didn't. I had myself so worked up that I just went in and said that I would not be available this week. I convinced myself that I just needed a week off. Then I would be ready to go back. Will I be?

I left the school in tears. Why was I crying? I had just done what I wanted to do. I had just freed myself from the clutches of 3rd & 4th grade math. Yes, that is what I said. 3rd & 4th grade math makes me feel inadequate and stupid. (I'm laughing now!!)

I know that math classes can not really make me feel inadequate and stupid. I am the only one who can do that. So what is it about these math classes that make me cringe? I can do 3rd & 4th grade math. I just can't do it the way that their curriculum teaches it. So I end up helping the kids do it the way I know how, which confuses them. So they tell me that that is not the "right" way. Then I get confused and want to raise MY hand for help from the teacher.

I guess I don't know why I allow myself to feel inadequate and stupid. I don't know why I am afraid that my kids' teachers will think less of me if I don't know how to "do" this kind of math. All I know is that it has to stop. I have to be ok with not knowing how to do it the "right" way. (Even though it is so NOT the right way)

I'm not really being completely honest here. I think I have an idea as to why I am having these feelings of inadequacy. Over the last month or so I have allowed my house to become chaotic and unorganized again. I have 2 rooms in my basement that are storing all the stuff I haven't gone through yet. I have been avoiding those rooms and it has finally gotten to the point where I can no longer put it off. My Spirit is feeling suffocated again. I don't wake up feeling Light anymore. The heaviness has returned.

So just like a 4 year old who is feeling like things are out of her control, I am feeling like things are spinning out of control and so tantrums are inevitable. I attach a lot of shame on myself when it comes to my cluttering. That shame builds up and it spreads itself out to enclose my entire Spirit.

It's time to stop throwing tantrums and stop making myself feel bad. Time to make a plan and muster up some motivation to just get started. I've been here before and I know that I can get back the Light that is missing. Time to start climbing that mountain so that I can get to the top and look down at all the majestic beauty that awaits me.

Stay tuned...

Just my thoughts.

Saying nothing at all

I seriously am having a hard time getting myself to sit down and blog lately. I have always looked forward to blogging. I have always come away from a post with a good feeling. Like I had just had the an awesome conversation with a good friend. This week, however, I have struggled with initiating this conversation. I haven't taken the time to analyze this and figure out why, because I just don't feel the need to. I'm sure I could come up with all sorts of philisophical reasons why I draw a blank when I sit down, but the truth is, I just don't have anything to say.

I want this blog to be real. I want this blog to be where my truest self can have a voice. I don't want this blog to be a place where I start to create stuff so that I can come off as some uber spiritually evolving wonder woman. I've been guilty of saying what I think people want to hear in the past. When I lost 120 lbs, I would often speak in front of groups of people. The words that came out of my mouth very rarely matched what my spirit was saying inside. I was just concerned with appearances then. I had to come off as the perfect 'skinny' person. I wasn't being made to do this by anyone other than myself.

So, on Wednesday, when I sat down to blog and I struggled with what to say I just walked away. I didn't walk away frustrated. I didn't walk away thinking that I have nothing to say that would interest anyone. I simply let myself have nothing to say. I guess I don't feel obligated to blog. I love the feeling of completeness that I have when I finish a post. Even the times when I am struggling in my life, I still walk away from my posts feeling like I said what needed to be said. I don't ever want to start putting out posts that are full of shiny, happy fluff or emotionally moving gibberish.

I need to keep it real. Even if keeping it real means not saying anything. This blog has been an amazing tool in helping me lift myself up out of the hell I was living in. It has been a safe place for me to get my thoughts out of my head and heart. I cherish the time that I spend here just as I cherish the time I spend with family and friends.

I love sharing my journey towards a shiny, happy life. I love sharing the pain that life throws my way also. I really appreciate all of the bloggers out there in the blogosphere who are also keeping it real. I have learned from all of you that it is ok to share my soul here and that it is also ok to say nothing at all.

Just my thoughts.

Returning to a forgotten practice

I have been thinking a lot about meditation these days. Everytime I read a blog post or an article about meditation my Spirit stirs. It's telling me that its time to begin again. It's letting me know that communing with the Divine everday is, well, divine.

There was a time about 3 years ago when I had a meditation practice every morning. It was something I did because the sponsor I had in a certain 12-step program I belonged to, told me to do it every morning. It looked like me sitting in a chair with my eyes closed and my mind racing here and there and then I would eventually just fall asleep. There was no connection with the Divine. There couldn't be. My heart was cold then and my Spirit was in captivity. I couldn't hear what my Spirit wanted because I couldn't find my Spirit. I gave up that meditation practice a little over a year ago and never tried again.

I have had brief periods of time when I would attempt to meditate to help center myself. Each time would be the same results. Mind racing, no concentration, frustration and eventually I would just give up.

Recently, however, I have been listening to my Spirit. It longs to be quiet and connect with the Divine. I even tried some of those powerful meditations that I have come across. I loved the way that I felt after each meditation, but I still struggled to turn it into a daily practice. I needed to make my own meditation practice. A meditation that I knew was tailored specifically to me. So I have created one based on what I feel the most connected to.

Here's my perfect, just for Jill, meditation practice. I get up at day break and wander outside to sit on a blanket in the woods under the biggest, oldest tree I can find. My back rests at the trunk of this wise old tree and I close my eyes and let Tree Energy connect me to the most Divine. I can feel myself becoming one with the tree, one with nature, one with Light. My Spirit and I hang out there together long enough to be filled with the energy of the Divine. Just enough energy to get me through the day, until the next day when the whole thing starts over. Perfection.

There's only one problem with this perfect meditation. I live in MN and it's freezing at day break, and I don't live in the woods. I live in town with neighbors who would love to talk about the crazy lady sitting under the tree every morning. So it appears that my perfect meditation will remain perfect if only in my mind.

Now here's how my "real" meditation looks like. I rise at 6 am and wander into the living room. Put on my meditation CD of music inspired by nature, Native American tradition and the sound of the Far East. I sit comfortably in my big comfy chair and close my eyes. I guide myself out into the woods at day break, sitting on a blanket under the biggest, oldest tree I can find. I've written about this tree here. My back is resting at the trunk of this wise old tree and I close my eyes and ask the tree to connect me to the most Divine. I can feel myself becoming one with the tree, one with nature, one with Light. My Spirit and I hang out there together long enough to be filled with the energy of the Divine. Just enough energy to get me through the day, until the next day when the whole thing starts over. Perfection.

I love my new meditation made just for me. It is just what I need to start my day off. (I used to think it was coffee that I needed) I connected with Tree Energy today without even leaving my warm home. I connected with Spirit and the Divine and I still feel connected 7 hours later.

Do you have a meditation practice? Please share if you do.

If you would like one, but struggle with knowing what to do, I would suggest you visit Janice Lynne Lundy's blog, Awake is Good. You can find her blog here. She has Meditation Mondays and I have gotten some very good meditation wisdom from her.

Happy meditating!!

Just my thoughts.

Leaving the darkness

Have you ever wanted to leave a place so bad it hurts? I am having a hard time shaking this sadness that has overcome me. I have to say that since I started feeling this way, today is probably the worst day. I keep hearing my mind saying over and over that I need to get out of this place. The only problem is that I don't know what this "place" is. Is it this home, this town or this darkness that I have wandered into?

So I have to look at all three of the "places" that I may want to leave. My home has always been a sore spot for me. Ever since we moved here I have struggled with making it feel like my home. I have struggled with keepig the clutter down and even though I went through a major decluttering it still feels like I am being suffocated. Phase 2 of my decluttering needs to be started, but I feel as though I don't have the strength to begin right now. There is one thing about living in this house that I would miss and that is my backyard. All the trees and the birds and the other wildlife that occasionally visit make my Spirit shine. I would miss them greatly.

That brings me to the second "place". The town I live in. I have never liked or felt like a part of this community. Honestly, there is one thing that keeps me here, and that is the fact that Mr. Man owns a business here. He takes great pride in this business and I will always fully support his decision to live here. I have been here for a little over 13 years and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I struggle with a lack of spiritual community. I want to share my spiritual journey with others, but I see all the intolerance for people who are "different" and I am unable to be myself because of it. I do have 3 friends here in town who I feel I can be myself with and I am thankful for their friendships. I don't spend a lot of time with them, but I know I could at any time. I feel safe with these three fabulous women and that makes my spirit shine also. Someday I will feel strong enough to show my true self to others too, but right now I don't feel secure in doing that. I guess its time for me to step out of myself and reach out to the people who will let me be me.

So now I must face the third "place" that I may need to leave. This darkness that has surrounded me. Of course I need to leave it. I guess the question that is in my mind is whether I can leave it behind or if it is here because I am in these other two "places". Am I feeling this pain because I am making myself be in physical places that my Spirit longs to leave? Or am I wanting to leave these "places" because the darkness is trying to keep me stuck in sadness? Am I even making any sense?

Depression has come knocking at my door and it is really muddling up my mind, but I am still very aware that my Spirit has a voice and I am listening ever so carefully. It is easy to distinguish my Spirit's voice from this darkness. My Spirit speaks softly and lovingly and this darkness is always yelling at me. Sometimes its hard to hear the soft voice over all the yelling.

I have a choice here. I can continue to allow this dark friend to stick around or I can finally send it packing. I do believe that the choice is mine. However, I may need some help in getting rid of the darkness. For one, I need to start up my Vitamin D again. I can also go pick up some nice herbal tea. I can reach out to my friends and see about having a girls day. I can go back to my on-line communities of Facebook and Twitter. I can get Phase 2 of decluttering underway. I can start exploring my spirituality again. I can stop keeping my Spirit and my True Self hidden from those around me. I have a choice. The choice to be free or the choice to be held in captivity. I've got experience with both.

I'm getting out of this "place". This dark "place" that is sucking the life out of me. I've been here long enough now. I may have needed to be here, but my sentance has been served and now it is time to be freed. Good bye my dark friend. I'm sure you'll be back some day, but for now it is time to part ways. It is time for me to join the living once again.

I am giving my Sprit a warm hug and I am extending a warm hug out to all of you who may struggle with the darkness. It is a sad and scary place to be, but it doesn't have to be a lifetime sentance. Reach out to family and friends in anyway that you can. Don't forget to reach "in" to your Spirit and let it gently guide you out of the darkness. It is there to help. My love is pouring out to all of you who read this. I am grateful to you all.

Just my thoughts.

Knowing when to stay down

A friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a while has reappeared in my life. I have had a rocky relationship with this friend. We have never gotten along and I always ended up feeling like less of person when they were around. I have one memory of this friend coming to visit and leaving me curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably. Have you had a friend like that? Someone you spend a lot of time with, but usually end up wishing they would just go away.

I ended my relationship with this friend a number of years ago. I just decided that I had had enough and that I would be better off if we were apart. Surprisingly, my friend willing ended our relationship. I suppose there were plenty of other people that this friend could torture.

There have been a number of times in the past few years that this friend has attempted to re-enter my life. Never showing their face, but always standing in the background watching me. I was usually able to ignore their presence. There were rare moments when we would actually have contact and I would spend the next 24 hours feeling miserable.

So this friend has come into my life once again and this time they are not just standing in the background. This time we are spending a lot of time together. As a matter of fact, my friend is here with me as I write this post. Holding my hand. Helping me to say what I need to say. My friend has taught me that sometimes when you get knocked down its ok to just stay there. Its ok to wrap myself up in a blanket and stay there for a few days. I have learned from my friend that when Mr. Man asks me what he can do to make me feel better, that its ok to tell him that there is nothing he needs to do to make me feel better. That I just need to be down until its time to get up again. I have learned that when my friend knocks me down, it only makes it worse when I jump up kicking and screaming. The fighting only makes my friend hang on even tighter.

I have no idea how long my friend and I will be together this time. This friend used to stay for months at a time, giving me a few short weeks of a break, before returning. My guess is that this will be a short stay. We are helping each other through a hard time right now. My friend is supporting me through the events in my life which have become too big to cope with, and I am supporting my friend with the realization that I am no longer afraid. I am no longer afraid to spend time with this friend who used to terrify me.

I won't tell you my friends name. I'm pretty sure that a lot of you have spent time with this friend too. Maybe you can relate to what I'm saying. Maybe you feel like I should just kick this friend to the curb and get up and get on with life. I will get up. I will be my bright and shiny self again. I will get back into life. But for today, I am wrapped up in a blanket of sadness. Every once in a while I will peek my head out to see how it feels out there. I know that I can fold the blanket up at any time and put it away, but right now it feels like I just need to stay down for a bit longer. I'll let you know when I'm ready to get up again.

Just my thoughts

Rest in peace, Angel Kitty

This is a picture of our beautiful kitty, Angel. Angel came to us in October of 1999. We didn't go looking for a pet, she found us. Just showed up on my deck and never left. She was so little and helpless. Not-So-Little #1, who was 11 at the time, begged me to keep her. I knew that Mr. Man would never go for it. He grew up on a farm and cats belonged outside in the barn, not in the house. I knew he would never agree to keeping her, but I was falling in love with this angel kitty. He agreed that she could stay in the garage until we could locate her owner. Of course no owner turned up because this kitty came to us so that we could be her owner. Mr. Man was adamant about her staying in the garage, but it was October and it was getting cold outside. Not-So-Little #1 pleaded with Mr. Man to let Angel just stay in her bedroom at night, because no cat should suffer through MN winter evenings in a garage. Mr. Man once again, rather begrudgingly, agreed. Angel worked her magic and eventually made it into the house, and even though he would never admit to this, into the heart of Mr. Man. So we were adopted by this beautiful kitty.

Last evening I had to do something that I hope to never have to do again. I had to have my beautiful Angel Kitty euthanized. Unbeknownst to me, she developed Kidney Disease, and by the time I realized how ill she was it was too far along. My heart broke into a million little pieces last night. Today I sit here with so many thoughts running through my head that it is spinning. Why didn't I know she was that sick? How could I not see how much weight she had lost? Are my two oldest Littles blaming me? Am I blaming me? Did I do the right thing? Should I have tried to prolong her life? Why don't I have more pictures of her? And on, and on, and on.

The Littles are all sad and confused. When I left with the kitty she was just going to the doctor, why is she gone now? They didn't even get to say goodbye. None of the Littles wanted to go to school today, so they are home with me. We all need each others company. I don't think I could make it through this day without my family. I am being blessed with a never ending supply of hugs. I don't know if they are searching for hugs for themselves or giving me the hugs because they think I need them. It really doesn't matter. I just need the closeness of my beloved Littles today. They are all sitting in the living room watching cartoons right now. I am glad that they are able to laugh a little. Their giggles are comforting to me. I am not ready to giggle yet, but I will be. The sun is shining here today, but my heart is surrounded by dark clouds. I just need to sit in my grief and cherish the memories that Angel left imprinted in my soul. And because it will warm her heart, I am going to bake cookies with Little #5. She turned 8 yesterday, and is sad that her kitty died on her birthday.

Just my thoughts.

Is this craziness or freedom? Hmmm....

It's Wednesday and the one day a week that I designate to posting here. I have to say that it has been an awesome week. My level of joy has been off the charts. I love times like this. When everything seems energizing and fresh. There is no hint of the cold weather blahs that usually strike me when the days turn cloudy and rainy. My last post really brought me to a higher level of the freedom that my Spirit longs for.

I'm sitting here typing and re-typing my thoughts. I can't seem to find the words to explain what has happened to me since last Wednesday. It's not that I don't know what happened, it's more of a fear of sounding absolutely bonkers. Let me just say that my Spirit manifested itself to me in a way that I have never experienced before. As I lay in bed last Wednesday I was surrounded by a swirling mist of energy and brief flashes of light. I know, it sounds crazy. You know how I know that its not crazy, because I was also filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and serenity. Crazy doesn't feel peaceful and serene. I've felt crazy before. Crazy feels scary and heavy. This isn't being crazy, it's being free.

Was I sleeping? I have no idea. I don't think so, but I guess it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that I received a message that night. Not just any message. This was a Divine message to me from me. I saw all the happiness and joy that lives in my heart. It wanted to play. It wants me to play. It wants me to let down all those barriers that seem to creep back up every time I knock them down.

Every time I post an entry here, I am energized and renewed. I am filled with hope and happiness. Even when I have dealt with painful, painful life experiences I always feel hopeful after I blog about it. I received a comment on my last post from a fellow blogger that stressed the importance of having people or things to keep us grounded. I had never thought of that before. My blog definitely keeps me grounded. It is my chance to let my Spirit talk. Besides that eye-opening comment, I also had my little blog mentioned by two other bloggers that I admire greatly. Humility once again reached out and touched me this week. I have been greatly inspired by other bloggers. If I can inspire someone with my thoughts like that, well, then I know that I'm doing something good here.

Thank you all for visiting here. Please feel free to leave a comment and introduce yourself to me if you haven't already. I appreciate this whole blogging community that exists. I am so lucky to have found my voice here.

Just my thoughts.

Oh, one more thing. My joy and playfulness has rubbed off on Mr. Man this week also. He has joined me in a more carefree lifestyle. He is being uncharacteristically playful. He is also telling me what his needs are. Also uncharacteristic behavior for him. I think he feels safe now. He knows that his wants and needs are just as important as mine and the kids. He is stepping out of his comfort zone and liking it. He told me today that he may not be completely free today, but that he will be. How awesome is that?

Are you free today? If not, will you be?