I haven't been here for a very long time. As I sit here writing this, I feel a ton of resistance. Uncertainty. Writing feels foreign to me. Like I've never done it before. Why am I writing this? Who am I talking to? Am I even visible to people? Being invisible has been my super power. If things ever got tough, I could make myself invisible in the wink of an eye. Poof! I'm gone. I can retreat deep within the caves of my soul and just hide there.
Sometimes it feels safe there. Safe from the watchful eyes and harsh judgement of others. Safe from people looking at me in disgust. Safe from being reminded that I just don't fit in. That I weigh too much. That my hair is too gray. That I can't take care of my kids, my home or my husband.
Other times it feels confining and scary. Like I'm being held prisoner. Trying to find the way out, but not being able to see through the darkness. And I would stay in the darkness until I felt brave enough to attempt to feel my way out.
In both cases I would always reappear, ready to take on the world. Renewed and refreshed. Until the next time I needed to be invisible. Its a vicious cycle. One that needed to be broken. In both cases the only one I was really hiding from was myself. It was my watchful eyes and harsh judgement that I needed to escape from. I was the only one holding myself captive in scary dark places. I was the one who made it possible to be invisible.
Why? Why would anyone want to be invisible? I'm sure that there is all kinds of psychology behind why a person would want to be invisible and why they let their own self-loathing push them into hiding. And the Virgo in me wants to research that and learn all about it and then file it away into my organized file of "Things I Will Just Forget". Honestly, though, I don't care. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it doesn't apply to me anymore. I have relinquished my invisibility powers. *Poof*
Did I consciously do this? No. I had no idea that I was going to wake up one day and "see" myself as worthy of being visible. I had no idea that one act on my part would catapult me fully into my whole self.
Something as simple as cutting my hair. Well, shaving my head, to be specific. I suppose its not everyday that a woman shaves her head, but it was a simple act. I did it with a friend, who was doing it because of chemotherapy. It didn't feel like a big deal for me. It was just something I could do with a friend who wasn't getting a choice about it.
I had no idea that my life would change forever. That my spirit would light up and I would feel a sense of freedom from the chains that I used to bind myself with. To be honest, I do think that my soul knew that I hid behind my hair. I have entertained the idea of shaving my head in the past, but quickly dismissed it as crazy. Certain that I would be cast out by my family and friends. So instead, I let it grow longer. And longer. I determined that my long locks were symbolic of the Wild Woman inside of me that was going to make her way out.... someday.
So here she is. Demanding that I drop the invisibility shit. Demanding that I drop regrets and fears and self-limiting thoughts. I still have gray hair. I am still overweight. I'm still not a perfect mother, wife or housekeeper. Those things no longer define who I am. Without regret, fear and feeling worthless, those parts of me are just parts of me. Parts of the whole package.
And I think this whole package is pretty amazing. And happy. And joyous. And free. Ready to be seen. Ready to be me.