Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Seeing and Being Me

I haven't been here for a very long time.  As I sit here writing this, I feel a ton of resistance. Uncertainty. Writing feels foreign to me. Like I've never done it before. Why am I writing this? Who am I talking to? Am I even visible to people? Being invisible has been my super power. If things ever got tough, I could make myself invisible in the wink of an eye. Poof! I'm gone. I can retreat deep within the caves of my soul and just hide there.

Sometimes it feels safe there. Safe from the watchful eyes and harsh judgement of others. Safe from people looking at me in disgust. Safe from being reminded that I just don't fit in. That I weigh too much. That my hair is too gray. That I can't take care of my kids, my home or my husband.

Other times it feels confining and scary. Like I'm being held prisoner. Trying to find the way out, but not being able to see through the darkness. And I would stay in the darkness until I felt brave enough to attempt to feel my way out.

In both cases I would always reappear, ready to take on the world. Renewed and refreshed. Until the next time I needed to be invisible. Its a vicious cycle. One that needed to be broken. In both cases the only one I was really hiding from was myself.  It was my watchful eyes and harsh judgement that I needed to escape from. I was the only one holding myself captive in scary dark places. I was the one who made it possible to be invisible.

Why? Why would anyone want to be invisible? I'm sure that there is all kinds of psychology behind why a person would want to be invisible and why they let their own self-loathing push them into hiding. And the Virgo in me wants to research that and learn all about it and then file it away into my organized file of "Things I Will Just Forget". Honestly, though, I don't care. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it doesn't apply to me anymore. I have relinquished my invisibility powers. *Poof* 

Did I consciously do this? No. I had no idea that I was going to wake up one day and "see" myself as worthy of being visible. I had no idea that one act on my part would catapult me fully into my whole self.

Something as simple as cutting my hair. Well, shaving my head, to be specific. I suppose its not everyday that a woman shaves her head, but it was a simple act. I did it with a friend, who was doing it because of chemotherapy. It didn't feel like a big deal for me. It was just something I could do with a friend who wasn't getting a choice about it. 

I had no idea that my life would change forever. That my spirit would light up and I would feel a sense of freedom from the chains that I used to bind myself with. To be honest, I do think that my soul knew that I hid behind my hair. I have entertained the idea of shaving my head in the past, but quickly dismissed it as crazy. Certain that I would be cast out by my family and friends. So instead, I let it grow longer. And longer. I determined that my long locks were symbolic of the Wild Woman inside of me that was going to make her way out.... someday.

So here she is. Demanding that I drop the invisibility shit. Demanding that I drop regrets and fears and self-limiting thoughts. I still have gray hair. I am still overweight. I'm still not a perfect mother, wife or housekeeper. Those things no longer define who I am. Without regret, fear and feeling worthless, those parts of me are just parts of me. Parts of the whole package. 

And I think this whole package is pretty amazing. And happy. And joyous. And free.  Ready to be seen. Ready to be me.


Nancy Jambor said...

Hi Jill, welcome to the group! You are so courageous to show up as you do in your post. I so admire your vulnerability and your willingness to be seen. Way to go!

Jill said...

Thank you for your kind words, Nancy!

Deborah Weber said...

I see you - and you're shining beautiful brightness inside and out! What a joy! I'm so glad you decided to show up in the fullness of who you truly are. And I'm so glad you're posting about it here.

Tat said...

I could have written the beginning of the post about being invisible, then visible, then invisible again... I could have written it until I got to the part about shaving your hair {Gasp} Could I do that? Not sure... You're so brave and you inspire me. And you look beautiful, hair or no hair ;)

Jill said...

Deborah, thank you for stopping by here. Love your encouragement.

Tat, thank you for leaving your comment. I am humbled by your words.

Janet said...

Jill, how interesting that shaving your head liberated you! You look really beautiful in your photo. I'm glad you are visible. I have a long history of invisibility, too, though I'm not so interested in those limitations anymore.

Jill said...

Thank you, Janet! I'm glad I'm visible, too. What used to fill me with fear, fills me with power now.

Kelli Spencer said...

Wow!! You look great with a shaved head. I'm not so certain I would. Also, haven't you heard...gray is the new in thing. So you've been ahead of the game this whole time. I too, could have written your story and have to admit....I wouldn't have the courage to shave my head either. Well done!!

Scott Jamison said...

Welcome! Invisibility is overrated.

Jill said...

Thank you, Kelli! I really love my shaved head.

And thank you, Scott, for the warm welcome!

Harmony Harrison said...

Now you see me... now you don't. I've been playing that game all my life. What I love about your new 'do is that it's so very visible, even in its minimalism. There's no place to hide. Except for under hats. Yes, there will always be hats!

It's so nice to meet you through the Inspired Blogging group!

Jill said...

Thank you, Harmony! I have been having fun with hats. When I had hair, they never looked right on me. Love them now.