I am that person

So here I sit typing and re-typing what should be a simple blog post.  I haven't been here in awhile and I have a gazillion things to say, but am struggling with where to begin.  So I'm just going to let the words come as they do.

For the longest time I have been searching for something.  Searching for that certain someone that I want to be.  Searching for the real, authentic Jill.  You know those typical questions.  Who am I?  Why am I here? Am I good enough?  Will people still like me when I get real?  Well, they're typical for me anyway. 

I have to admit that the answers to these questions were impossible to find.  Because I was searching for answers outside of myself.  The real, authentic Jill isn't hidden out in the big world.  She's not misplaced anywhere outside of me.  She's not someone that I have to learn to become.  She IS me.

Its so simple.  Its something I find myself telling others a lot.  The person you are is right inside of you.  So how did I get so far off track?  How could I forget the very important message that I know I have shared here many times before?

Here's what happened to me.  I have this small voice that comes and goes.  I've had this voice with me most of my life.  I would bet that many of us have this small voice at some point.  I have tried to remove it several times.  As I said, she comes and she goes.  Whenever I start to travel on a new path this voice gets scared and she feels that she needs to stay small to be safe.  If she's invisible all will be well.  So the voice gets louder.  Loud enough to be heard by me. 

"You're not good enough." 
"You don't know what you're doing." 
"You are too scared to do that." 
"This is too hard."

Those are just some of the thoughts that run through my mind when this voice is trying to keep me small.  So now that that I realize this, what can I do about it?  I can't send it away, I can't tell it to shut up.  It is a part of me.  Its a part of me that is hurt and scared.  It doesn't need to be banished.  It needs to be loved and taken care of.  Ignoring the voice doesn't help, it just gets louder.  I can choose to hear the words and not let them decide for me.  I get to choose where I go and who I am to be.  I get to be big or be small. 

There's another part of me that just wants to shine bright.  Wants to be seen.  She wants to be heard.  She wants to feel peace and joy and self-confidance.  She wants to share this with others.  She wants to be big.  Bigger than that small voice.  That's the person that I am.  That person is whole.  She's proud and she feels energized when she is touching the lives of those around her.  She's authentic.  She doesn't hide behind old patterns and behaviors.  She doesn't act like a hurt teenager.  The first thought that goes through her mind isn't "Will other people like me?"  The first thought that goes through her mind is "Am I being me?"

I am that person.  We are all 'that' person.  That real, authentic person who only wants to shine.  I think that most of us at some point choose to be small.  Fear and pain keep us there.  Choosing to let the fear and pain go allows us to be big.

So I've taken that small voice by the hand and I'm showing it that its time to move beyond the scared teenager.  Its time to grow.  I love growth.  It means that I get to continue on this path that I'm on.  It means that I am going to meet new people and experience new joys.  Will I lose old friends on the way?  Maybe.  Thats ok.  I'm grateful for everybody who has ever been a part of my life.  No matter how long it was.  Its all ok.  As long as I'm that person.

Just my thoughts.