Sunday, April 24, 2011

Beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside.


Before you read on, I want you to know something.  I'm not depressed.  I'm not falling apart before your eyes.  I don't hate my life.  However, I do need to embrace all that I experience and I'm just getting to the root of what holds me back.  This space has always been my way of getting my thoughts out of my head and has always helped me in getting to a level of healing that I need.  Its not always pretty, but its my journey and I need to take each step as it comes.

Sometimes it feels like I am not capable of feeling.  I know that I go through the motions.  When I do Reiki for others I know that they are receiving the healing that they are getting, and I love being able to do that for them.  When my kids need a hug, I give them what they need and I know that it helps them and I love being able to that for them.  I know that I will be there for friends and family when they need me and I love being able to be there for them.

But....

I want to feel what they are feeling.  I want to feel the healing energy and the love of a hug and the security of knowing that someone has my back.  I know that I am loved and that I will be supported and taken care of, but I long for the day when I can actually 'feel' this.  You know what I mean?  I want to feel the energy of Love and Joy and Happiness.  I want to feel it in my soul. 

I very often feel like this empty shell.  Like I'm one of those beautifully decorated eggs that if you happen to drop you discover that there is nothing inside.  I am capable of loving and giving, but I struggle with receiving.  There is this block inside of me that is wedged in pretty deep.  It is there because as a child I invited it in.  I felt unsafe and I allowed this part of me to come in so I could be safe.  Unfortunately, sometimes feeling safe meant I needed to close off my ability to feel.   Which meant that as I grew older and had more intense life experiences this part of me had to get stronger and stronger. 

I'm not possessed.  I'm just very much aware of this part of me that has a hard time leaving and staying gone.  Or maybe it IS gone, but I just have to relearn how to feel things.  I don't know.  Its the not knowing that gets to me.  Its not knowing when and if I'm ever going to feel the joy of a child or the intense love of a mother.  Or if I'm ever going to feel the protection and abundance that the Divine has for me. 

I do know that if I don't keep keeping on I will become depressed.  I will fall apart in front of everyone.  I will hate my life.  I've been there before.  I really am one of the lucky ones because I am able to accept myself as a beautiful soul who really does love and live and heal.  I don't let the fact that I still feel empty inside destroy me.  Someday my inside will match my outward appearance.  I will hug people and not feel uncomfortable.  I will know great Joy, and Love and Happiness will resonate through me.  Until that day comes I will continue to walk this path that is in front of me.  I'll take some pit stops on the way and I might even go back a few paces now and then.  I will just keep going and being all that I feel I need to be.

I am very grateful for all the beauty in my life.  I am grateful for my beautiful family and friends.  I am grateful for my home and my back yard.  I am grateful for all the amazing people I have met since I started this healing journey.  I look forward to meeting many, many more.  I am grateful for you.

Keep on keeping on, people.  Keep on trudging through the muck and you'll find your Shiny.  I'm finding mine.

Just my thoughts.

 

6 comments:

KellyO said...

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
–Walt Disney

You're not empty on the inside. No one is. Enjoy you're journey!

KellyO said...

*your

Linda Myers said...

When I was a kid, I, too, withdrew to a safe place. Occasionally I feel empty, but when that happens I think of it as having a space available inside me for what may come along. It's not my job to fill the space, but to be willing to have it become filled. That works for me.

Have a lovely day.

Angela Sweetland Bass said...

((((Jill))))

You stated pretty much exactly what I have been experiencing this past while. I'm crying because you put into words what I have been trying to put my finger on. Love you.

LauraX said...

Oh Jill...I am holding you in my heart and sending you some reiki...hoping you feel some lovingkindness.

For me, practicing metta has been a great teacher for learning to love myself and all beings...and to really feel it wholeheartedly.

I think that many people who are "caregivers" by nature experience this "empty" feeling from time to time, and this is why it is so important to refill the well...to learn how to receive. When we do this, our ability to give also grows because we are nourished. This can be learned Jill, with patient practice, absolutely.

gentle steps,
laura

Shiny Jill said...

Thank you all for these beautiful words. I see so much wisdom here that will see me through this part of the journey. <3 <3