Monday, January 17, 2011

Gettin' my whine on

So I've just spent the last 2 weeks in a marathon pity party.  You know the kind of party I'm talking about.  When things are going badly and you find yourself welcoming all the yuck.  You get comfortable with all the uncomfortable feelings that are surfacing.  My party started with a nasty virus which kept me up coughing most evenings and laying around most days.  I can't tell you when the last time I was this ill.  It has been quite a while. 

I tried to keep my chin up.  I took care of myself and repeated to myself that "this too shall pass".  It didn't.  I got sicker.  I got crankier.  Being physically exhausted gave way to emotional exhaustion as well.  I gave up.  I quite trying to feel better.  I put my chin down and sulked.  I stopped doing my daily Reiki self-healings.  I chose to get comfortable with feeling crappy and I continued to feel crappy.  Imagine that.

Then the negative self-talk reared its razor-sharp tongue.  I started spending way too much time inside my head.  Let me tell you, there are times when that can be a pretty scary place to be.  Suddenly I was not just feeling ill, I was a bad mother, bad wife, lousy friend, terrible Reiki practitioner, lazy bum and a number of other ridiculous untruths.  I didn't deserve to be healthy, I didn't deserve my family or friends and I certainly didn't deserve to have a Reiki practice.  I was gettin' my 'whine' on pretty damn good. 

As a matter of fact, I was still partying pretty heavy this morning.  Until the tears started to flow.  I had felt teary a couple of times over the last 2 weeks, but I always pushed those tears back.  Well the dam broke this morning and I couldn't even stop the tears if I wanted to.  I didn't want to.  I knew in my heart that I needed these tears.  I needed to loosen up all the yuck that I been building up for the past 2 weeks.  It wasn't Mucinex or Nyquil that I needed, it was a good cry. 

As the tears fell I felt all the 'whines' that I was hoarding begin to loosen their grip.  I loosened up the negative labels I had attached to myself.  I loosened up the insecurities and the fears about being a Reiki practitioner I had begun to convince myself of.  I loosened up the resentments I held against people close to me.  I say loosened because I don't know that I have completely released these things, but I definitely feel that they are not weighing me down like they had been.  My cough and sinus pressure has decreased significantly as well.

Coincidence?  I think not.  I think that my spirit just got tired of being told to go sit down and wait for the party to be over.  My spirit knew that the party was getting out of hand and needed to be busted up.  So I've stopped the whining and let my spirit lead me back to a safe place.  The place within my heart where the self-talk is gentle and kind.  Where I can open my mind to all the good that exists for me.  I feel peace here within.

Physically, I still feel somewhat weakened.  Emotionally, I feel refreshed and renewed.  A bit embarrassed that I carried on for so long, but ready to let all of the 'whining' go.  Yeah, I got my whine on pretty good.  I can whine with the best of them, but I can also choose to be done.  I can choose to move forward and let go of the emotions that had gotten wedged inside my body.  It feels good to let it all out. 

Now I get to clean up the mess.  The mess of a house I have now.  The laundry that is piled high.  The groceries that need to be bought.  And I might even take down our Christmas decorations tonight.  Those are the consequences of gettin' my whine on for too long.

So remember the next time you feel some tears coming on to let them fall.  Let them fall freely and wash away the yuck that is trying to gather strength.  You'll feel better sooner.

Just my thoughts.


LauraX said...

OH JILL! I know, I know I do! I released a whine post today too...well lets rename them shall we?? Cathartic post:)

mermaid said...

Sometimes it just takes a day to return to your true self, some times a week, sometimes a month. How you return is perhaps the greatest place for kindness. It doesn't matter how long you were gone (though I can still beat myself up about that.)

You felt that damm blocking your natural flow of Jillness. I am so glad the damn damm is dissolving and you are flowing.