Friday, August 27, 2010

August is hard for me

I hate it when I take big breaks from posting, because I never seem to know how to begin again.  I feel like I should be all apologetic and go into a big, long reason for my absence.  Truth be told, I just haven't felt like sharing.  August has been a difficult month for me for the past 3 years.  I always seem to come unglued for part of the month because it marks the last month of summer with the Littles.  It reminds me that soon some of them will be off to school.  I say some, because 2 of the 4 school-age Littles homeschool.  This will be the 3rd year that there will be a "first day of school" in our house.  I have to admit that it is definitely easier than the first year, but it still leaves an empty space in my heart.  It still makes me kick myself for putting them in school in the first place.  If I hadn't put them in school, 2 of them would never had decided they liked it. 

However, since beating myself up has lost its charm for me, I have gotten better at letting them go.  It doesn't have the same effect it did 3 years ago.  I gained 75 lbs that year.  I was an emotional wreck, who was convinced that I had damaged my children by homeschooling them.  The 2nd year I was pretty sure that I was damaging them by keeping them IN school.  When 2 of them decided at Winter break that they did not want to return, I breathed a collective sigh of relief.  I was getting my children back.  I was sure that the other 2 would come to their senses before the summer was through.

Alas, the summer is winding down, and the other 2 are still excited about starting school next month.  I am just as relieved as I am disappointed.  I am happy that they are getting a good experience in school.  I like that they will be happy to go.  I am disappointed because it means a lot of driving for me and a lot of homework battles.  I'm not going to go off on a rant about the evils of homework, but it is a very sore spot with me.  That being said, I have been good about keeping my disappointment to myself.  I don't share that with the Littles.  Its not what they need to hear.  I can be supportive and encouraging even though my heart is heavy. 

So even though this month has not been good emotionally for me, it is not as dark as it has been the last 2.  I am hopeful that the Littles in school will be happy there.  If they decide that it is not working for them, they can come home just as their siblings did.  I trust them to know what is working and what is not.  I trust my connection with them, to know if they are struggling.

In a little less than 2 weeks, they will be off to school.  Ironically, their first day is also my birthday.  I guess I'll have to treat myself extra special this birthday to compensate for whatever pain I may experience that day.  I'm looking forward to seeing how well I can spoil myself. 

Just my thoughts.


Frosty Duncan said...

What a beautiful thing that a) they had such a wonderful choice, and b) that you were there to support them. Hugs.

Stacey @ Entropified said...

I'd say follow through on the treating yourself thing.

Blessings for all of you as school begins.

septembermom said...

Wishing you and your family all the best. Definitely spoil yourself on your birthday. You deserve it :)

mermaid said...

Oh, Jill. I wish I could form a circle or mothers/women right now, lay you down in the center of the circle, and sing songs of wisdom, courage, and forgiveness to you.

Doubt is a powerful adversary. Just when you feel like you are making the right decision, doubt comes disguised as wisdom, and tells you should have done just the opposite.

You are doing the best you can, and you are right. Beating yourself up gets old real fast. So I invite you to place yourself in the center while mothers/women sing praises to you.

You are a beautiful mother just as you are.