When I came out of the 12-step recovery program for food addiction, I was completely defeated by food. Food had me in its grip like it never had before. I put a lot of blame on the 12-step program. The shame and guilt that that particular program focused on felt like the reason I fell into relapse.
Here's my take on that now. I don't think that the program put me into relapse. I fell into relapse because I wasn't really getting recovery. I was simply working a program and burying the dis-ease that made me overeat in the first place. I buried that dis-ease deep.
So when I slipped, I slipped hard. I fell and I could not get myself back up and stay up. I was told that I would be doomed without the program and I believed it. I was too ashamed to go to meetings, knowing that I had relapsed. So I just gave up. So the program didn't make me relapse, but in my mind, the program was keeping me from another chance of recovery.
Here is what I need to stay recovered. I need to know that I am not damaged goods. I need to be able to know, in my heart of hearts, that I am able to choose. If I am to believe that I can not choose to be free from food than I shall never be recovered. My Spirit wants to be happy, joyous and free. My Spirit doesn't want to be pushed aside and told that I am a hopeless case and that food will eventually kill me. My Spirit wants to show me that I am a beautiful, shining soul and that I have what it takes to heal.
So if I know all this then why does food seem to be tempting me more? Why do I find myself turning to food for ease and comfort? Why do I find myself wondering where I'm going to get my next fix of sugar? Here's why.
Because I need to heal. Yes, I said that right. I need to heal. I have to heal some buried dis-ease in my Spirit right now. My response to stress and pain is to pick up food. The difference this time is that I know that I need to heal a wound right now. I'm not into the food because there is something wrong with me, I'm into the food because there is something wrong within me. There is some form of healing that needs to manifest and the pain of facing this healing is putting me in a vulnerable position.
Practicing Reiki has been a gift that I have given myself. Reiki heals the body, mind and spirit. Wherever the healing needs to happen is where Reiki does the most good. At this point in my life I have some healing to do. I have been getting some pretty obvious signs from the Universe that food is taking over again. It is my belief that Reiki is helping me to recognize those signs and not disregard them. In the past I wouldn't have even noticed. I would have simply put on my blinders and jumped into food and misery.
So yes, I see myself struggling with food right now. I also see it as a message that I am going into some heavy healing. The joy is that I see this. I see that I am picking up food instead of going within and letting the Divine lead me. Does knowing this mean I'll stop eating crap food? It definitely helps, but I still need to be careful and be aware of where my thoughts are going. I will not search out the nearest 12-step meeting, but I will reach out to my friends and family for help. I will be hopeful and thankful that I can make it through all the yuck that is coming to the surface.
I am blessed. I am blessed because I have the awareness and the ability to see that I am walking on thin ice. It could be very easy for me to give in to this addictive behavior like I have in the past. I will not, however, because I know that recovery for me is a choice. I get to choose what happy, joyous and free looks like. I get to listen to my Spirit and let it shine. I get to heal.
I would like to say that if you find yourself struggling with this, please reach out to someone. Reach out to me. We can all use a little love and support. If your support system leads to feelings of shame and guilt then change your support system. I can be reached at jklenzmeier (at) frontiernet (dot) net. I would love to hear from you.
Just my thoughts.