Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Addiction revisited

So it seems that I am being revisited by my old friend food addiction.  I don't have a very typical view on food addiction. I posted my take on it here

When I came out of the 12-step recovery program for food addiction, I was completely defeated by food.  Food had me in its grip like it never had before.  I put a lot of blame on the 12-step program.  The shame and guilt that that particular program focused on felt like the reason I fell into relapse. 

Here's my take on that now.  I don't think that the program put me into relapse.  I fell into relapse because I wasn't really getting recovery.  I was simply working a program and burying the dis-ease that made me overeat in the first place.  I buried that dis-ease deep. 

So when I slipped, I slipped hard.  I fell and I could not get myself back up and stay up. I was told that I would be doomed without the program and I believed it.  I was too ashamed to go to meetings, knowing that I had relapsed.  So I just gave up.  So the program didn't make me relapse, but in my mind, the program was keeping me from another chance of recovery.

Here is what I need to stay recovered.  I need to know that I am not damaged goods.  I need to be able to know, in my heart of hearts, that I am able to choose.  If I am to believe that I can not choose to be free from food than I shall never be recovered.  My Spirit wants to be happy, joyous and free.  My Spirit doesn't want to be pushed aside and told that I am a hopeless case and that food will eventually kill me.  My Spirit wants to show me that I am a beautiful, shining soul and that I have what it takes to heal.

So if I know all this then why does food seem to be tempting me more?  Why do I find myself turning to food for ease and comfort?  Why do I find myself wondering where I'm going to get my next fix of sugar?  Here's why.

Because I need to heal.  Yes, I said that right.  I need to heal.  I have to heal some buried dis-ease in my Spirit right now.  My response to stress and pain is to pick up food.  The difference this time is that I know that I need to heal a wound right now.  I'm not into the food because there is something wrong with me, I'm into the food because there is something wrong within me.  There is some form of healing that needs to manifest and the pain of facing this healing is putting me in a vulnerable position.

Practicing Reiki has been a gift that I have given myself.  Reiki heals the body, mind and spirit.  Wherever the healing needs to happen is where Reiki does the most good.  At this point in my life I have some healing to do.  I have been getting some pretty obvious signs from the Universe that food is taking over again.  It is my belief that Reiki is helping me to recognize those signs and not disregard them.  In the past I wouldn't have even noticed.  I would have simply put on my blinders and jumped into food and misery.

So yes, I see myself struggling with food right now.  I also see it as a message that I am going into some heavy healing.  The joy is that I see this.  I see that I am picking up food instead of going within and letting the Divine lead me.  Does knowing this mean I'll stop eating crap food?  It definitely helps, but I still need to be careful and be aware of where my thoughts are going.  I will not search out the nearest 12-step meeting, but I will reach out to my friends and family for help.  I will be hopeful and thankful that I can make it through all the yuck that is coming to the surface.

I am blessed.  I am blessed because I have the awareness and the ability to see that I am walking on thin ice.  It could be very easy for me to give in to this addictive behavior like I have in the past.  I will not, however, because I know that recovery for me is a choice.  I get to choose what happy, joyous and free looks like.  I get to listen to my Spirit and let it shine.  I get to heal.

I would like to say that if you find yourself struggling with this, please reach out to someone.  Reach out to me.  We can all use a little love and support.  If your support system leads to feelings of shame and guilt then change your support system.  I can be reached at jklenzmeier (at) frontiernet (dot) net.  I would love to hear from you.

Just my thoughts.

13 comments:

mercedes said...

what a vulnerable, loving and honestly written piece.
no matter what addiction someone may have, they are deserving of love, patience and kindness.
you are worthy of love, patience and kindness and understanding.
your shiny will not be dimmed by this.

Stacey @ Entropified said...

All well said. I know you'll heal. Doesn't matter how long it takes. This life is a journey, after all.

Angela Sweetland Bass said...

(((Jill)))

I've struggled with food all of my life too, and right now I am going through many of the same things you are. I have noticed that when I reach for what is not good for me, there is that little voice that tells me there is something else I need. Sometimes, I find myself squashing that voice back down, so I can eat now and regret later.

Love you,
Angie

Goofy Mama said...

This was lovely. I liked how you put it in the perspective of "What can I learn from this?" And "What is the universe trying to tell me?" And how it is pointing you in the direction of Reiki, which is cool. Thank you for sharing this.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Mercedes - I am so grateful that you have been so instrumental in leading me down my path of healing. You are a dear friend.

Stacey - Yes, life is a journey and I'm very thankful that you have been in mine. Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement.

Angela - Lets help each other out and give that little voice a say. Lets listen and honor it so that regret doesn't get a chance to come out.

Allison - Thanks for leaving your thoughts here. I have been blessed with this Reiki practice, which is giving me the ability to actually learn things that I used to think were impossible to do.

Tess The Bold Life said...

You are amazing. This is honest, real and raw. You are loved!

Caroline said...

Such a beautiful and heartfelt post. Sending you love, light a strength as you begin to heal. My Mom struggles with this disease as well. It's not easy... follow the Reiki decree of: "Just for today..."

xoxo

shiny mamaof6 said...

Tess - Thank you so much for being so supportive. Having this blog as an outlet to share my thoughts has been a blessing and I appreciate that you read it.

Caroline - Thank you for the reminder to follow the Reiki decree. "Just for today" has carried me many times in the past.

KodasTotems said...

Well, this is a beautiful line:

"I'm not into the food because there is something wrong with me, I'm into the food because there is something wrong within me."

You'll find it. You'll heal it.

I love you.

mermaid said...

Your awareness is AMAZING. Jill, I wish I could get you to talk to many of my patients, but ultimately I know, as you already do that the first step is awareness. An enormous amount of kindness, patience, and love also help when the vulnerability is overwhelming. Thank you for reaching out, but mostly thank you for reaching in.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Kristy - I'm lucky to have your confidence to lead me on. I love you more than chocolate cake!

Mermaid - You are so right about the kindness, patience and love. Without them my spirit would still be in captivity. Loved what you wrote on kindness yesterday. Took my breath away. :)

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

You are NOT Damaged goods. Don't let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise. Every day is fresh and there is no limit to how many clean starts we can have. Today is another clean slate.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Tracey - Thank you so much for sharing a thought here and you are right, everyday is a clean slate. For that I am grateful. :)