Monday, December 28, 2009
Made it through the Christmas holiday
Here it is December 28th. I have officially made it through Christmas and all is well. I decided not tell Little #3 the truth about Santa. It just didn't feel like the right time. Even though I am not Christian, I enjoyed the Christmas that my family celebrates. This year I did something different. I finally celebrated the Winter Solstice with my family and it was a very magical night. I was very touched by the way the rest of my family joined me in the celebration.
I am often asked by the Littles what my favorite part of Christmas is and I often struggle to come up with something, but this year I knew absolutley what it was. My favorite part of Christmas was having all 6 of my Littles home.
I know that that sounds like an obvious answer. Why wouldn't that always be my favorite thing? But it hasn't always been the case. I have, in the past, very rarely allowed myself to enjoy much at this time of the year. I am usually in the midst of a dark time of the soul. Winter blues for me are more like winter blacks. Sometimes having all the Littles together became overwhelming with all the bickering and selfish behavior. What changed?
I did. I let go of bickering and selfish behavior and I believe that it helped the Littles to do the same. I feel warmer and more loving. I don't know if all the Littles would agree with this, but I have been evolving into what feels like a much more accepting mother. I don't find myself trying to put those that I love into a mold. And that includes myself. I have let myself free. I feel as though I am finally allowing myself to be the person I see in the mirror, instead of resisting that person and trying to make her smarter, prettier, kinder, etc..
I made a new friend this year. That friend is me. I have always agreed that you need to love yourself before you can fully love others. I could just never do it. I had to be ready to love me. It took me till I was 42, but I am finally there. I like who I am becoming. There are a few things that I still need to change. But they are not so big that they have an impact on my new friendship. I will gently help myself to accomplish the personal goals I have set for me. Maybe in 2010 I'll share those personal goals. I'm not sure I can yet.
So Christmas has come and gone and I am surrounded by a blanket of white outside. It is beautiful here in Minnesota. I am not feeling suffocated and dark as I usually do at this time. I may still face the winter blues, but I am ready. I am prepared to let the blues in for a tad, if they come a calling. Today the hardest things I have to deal with are getting my house in order for a New Year's Eve party and saying goodbye to Not-so-Little #1. She will be moving in with her dad for a few months. She will still be in MN, but not as close by.
She is going to get a break from her life. She needs to change some behaviors that have left her feeling like her life is going nowhere. I hope that she can take this break and get to know herself and love herself for the beautiful soul that she is. I have been where she is. I have had my spirit in captivity like she does. It is my wish for her that she is able to set hers free also. I don't know if she will accomplish this in 6 months time. Maybe she has no intention of changing and is just trying to escape for a bit till the smoke clears. Whatever she does or doesn't do really is up to her. I love her no matter who she is.
This coming year is going to be one filled with trials for me. Not-so-Little #1 trying to make a change, Not-so-Little #2 becoming a daddy and enlisting in the Army, and the decision to keep the Littles in school or bring them back home. These will all happen sometime in 2010. Along with the other trials that I have no idea about. I'm ready. I'm confident that no matter what comes my way, I will be ok.
I hope that the holidays have been merry & bright for all of you whether you celebrate or not. I also hope that 2010 comes to you with open arms and wraps you in a warm hug. See you next year.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 7:55 AM