Monday, December 28, 2009

Made it through the Christmas holiday


Here it is December 28th. I have officially made it through Christmas and all is well. I decided not tell Little #3 the truth about Santa. It just didn't feel like the right time. Even though I am not Christian, I enjoyed the Christmas that my family celebrates. This year I did something different. I finally celebrated the Winter Solstice with my family and it was a very magical night. I was very touched by the way the rest of my family joined me in the celebration.

I am often asked by the Littles what my favorite part of Christmas is and I often struggle to come up with something, but this year I knew absolutley what it was. My favorite part of Christmas was having all 6 of my Littles home.

I know that that sounds like an obvious answer. Why wouldn't that always be my favorite thing? But it hasn't always been the case. I have, in the past, very rarely allowed myself to enjoy much at this time of the year. I am usually in the midst of a dark time of the soul. Winter blues for me are more like winter blacks. Sometimes having all the Littles together became overwhelming with all the bickering and selfish behavior. What changed?

I did. I let go of bickering and selfish behavior and I believe that it helped the Littles to do the same. I feel warmer and more loving. I don't know if all the Littles would agree with this, but I have been evolving into what feels like a much more accepting mother. I don't find myself trying to put those that I love into a mold. And that includes myself. I have let myself free. I feel as though I am finally allowing myself to be the person I see in the mirror, instead of resisting that person and trying to make her smarter, prettier, kinder, etc..

I made a new friend this year. That friend is me. I have always agreed that you need to love yourself before you can fully love others. I could just never do it. I had to be ready to love me. It took me till I was 42, but I am finally there. I like who I am becoming. There are a few things that I still need to change. But they are not so big that they have an impact on my new friendship. I will gently help myself to accomplish the personal goals I have set for me. Maybe in 2010 I'll share those personal goals. I'm not sure I can yet.

So Christmas has come and gone and I am surrounded by a blanket of white outside. It is beautiful here in Minnesota. I am not feeling suffocated and dark as I usually do at this time. I may still face the winter blues, but I am ready. I am prepared to let the blues in for a tad, if they come a calling. Today the hardest things I have to deal with are getting my house in order for a New Year's Eve party and saying goodbye to Not-so-Little #1. She will be moving in with her dad for a few months. She will still be in MN, but not as close by.

She is going to get a break from her life. She needs to change some behaviors that have left her feeling like her life is going nowhere. I hope that she can take this break and get to know herself and love herself for the beautiful soul that she is. I have been where she is. I have had my spirit in captivity like she does. It is my wish for her that she is able to set hers free also. I don't know if she will accomplish this in 6 months time. Maybe she has no intention of changing and is just trying to escape for a bit till the smoke clears. Whatever she does or doesn't do really is up to her. I love her no matter who she is.

This coming year is going to be one filled with trials for me. Not-so-Little #1 trying to make a change, Not-so-Little #2 becoming a daddy and enlisting in the Army, and the decision to keep the Littles in school or bring them back home. These will all happen sometime in 2010. Along with the other trials that I have no idea about. I'm ready. I'm confident that no matter what comes my way, I will be ok.

I hope that the holidays have been merry & bright for all of you whether you celebrate or not. I also hope that 2010 comes to you with open arms and wraps you in a warm hug. See you next year.

Just my thoughts.

12 comments:

Joy said...

Jill,
Wow. What an amazing post. My heart just shouts out yay for you!!!! One big . You are celebrating and for that I am very glad. Your Littles are treasures, and the lessons you all learn together are big important and growth inducing. And I for one am here to learn with you, support you and watch you shine in 2010!
and my PS is at 39 I fully believe in Magic--at Christmas and every day....

shiny mamaof6 said...

Joy - I'm shouting yay because I know that I have you to learn with me. Thanks for the show of support. I am whole heartedly grateful.

Jan said...

Jill, I love the new look of your blog. It does feel so light and loving! I am happy that you are feeling happy about you! What a year and what a journey it has been for you--for many of us. May this year find you more relaxed and at ease with yourself and your life. Blessings on the two older Littles and their life changes. May all be well in your world. Happy New Year!

Caroline said...

What changes lie ahead for you... I am so glad to hear that you made a new friend in yourself...beautiful! I wish you a blessed and wonderful year ahead. I am so glad to have found you in 2009...and look forward to knowing you more in 2010.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Jan - Thank you for your continued support and kind words. You have helped make 2009 a truly wonderful year. I look forward to sharing 2010 with you as well.

Caroline - I am grateful to have found a friend in you as well. Everyday I look at my Happy Buddha and think of the wonderful blogging community that I stumbled across this year. I am blessed.

Stark Raving Zen said...

In 2009 I feel like I connected with you- for the first time ever- on a soul level. That took place because you allowed it to take place. You used to ask, "Who am I", feeling as though you had become lost to yourself years ago. I think you're finally reconnecting to that bold, loving, audacious, generous, hilarious, don't-tell-me-what-to-do, YOU. And I love you so much.

Yo' baby sistah

septembermom said...

I'm so happy that you like where you are right now. It's a daily struggle as a mom to not want the little ones to fit into a mold. I understand your frustration. I wish you all the peace and love and joy that the new year can offer. I also hope that your two older Littles sail wonderfully through their new changes.

I'm looking forward to journeying through 2010 with you on your wonderful blog :)

shiny mamaof6 said...

Kristy - Yes. Connecting on a soul level. That definitely describes where we are right now. When I read the words you used to describe who I am, I was filled with Light. Love those words. That is who I strive to be. I did have to look up audacious, but I so want to be audacious. 2010 is going to be a fun one. Love you more.

Yo' big sistah

Tess The Bold Life said...

I think being able to do this at age 42 is remarkable! Many go through life without befriending themselves.

I understand about the winter blues going to winter blacks. Oh my I was so there before moving to AZ 2 years ago. Yesterday on New Years day it was 65 and I ended the day sitting outside watching the sun go down.

So come visit! There are so many people here from Minnesota!

I know your year will be filled with the best. Happy New Year to all the Little's who will be doing great things this year.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Septembermom - I look forward to sharing 2010 with you also. May your year be filled with peace, love and joy too.

Tess - I definitely have visions of AZ dancing in my head this morning. I may have to make that visit in the future. Thanks for being such a beacon of hope for my Littles.

Christine said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed your Christmas. Isn't getting out of your own way the best?! I know I've had PLENTY of experiences with that. :)

Nina P. said...

Oh the Winter is such a mysterious time. A time of soft white silent beauty. A time of fast pace flying across ice and snow. A time to hibernate, reflect, and renew. The business of the Holidays bring family and friends together. Enjoy each day, each moment of winter. Blessings to you and yours. Love and Light, Nina P