Thursday, December 17, 2009
Here is what I DO know
There was a time in my life when I needed to know it all. During this time, any little drama or change in routine would put me into a tail spin. I hated not being in control and not knowing what was going to happen next or what other people were thinking. It made me feel small and insecure. Not knowing meant I was stupid and less than. I would often turn to others to protect me. I would look to others to bring me peace of mind.
I had no idea that all I really needed to do was look within and embrace the Divine. I simply needed to let things be. No answers were necessary. No protection was necessary. Peace of mind resided within. Trusting myself was all I really needed.
So what DO I know now. Not a whole lot. There are things happening in my life right now that I have no control over. There will always be things that I am powerless over. I can chose to accept things or I can chose to try to force the outcome that I desire. Forcing leads to fear and pain. Acceptance leads to peace, hope and love.
I don't know if Not-so-Little #1 is really going to go to out-patient treatment for alcohol abuse or whether she'll be able to pull herself out of the whole she's in. I don't know if Not-so-Little #2 is prepared to be a daddy or what will happen if he joins the Army like he says he wants to do. I don't know if I'm ready to be a grandmother. Those are just some of the things I don't know.
Here is what I DO know. I do know that my Not-so-Little #1 has a spirit that is waiting to shine. And when she goes within she'll find it there with open arms. I do know that Not-so-Little #2 has a ton of love in his heart for this wee little one and that he is stepping up where many 17 year olds would run away. I do know that no matter where he ends up he'll be the best dad he can be. I do know that I have enough love in my heart for a gazillion grandbabies and that love will show me how to be the best grandmother I can be.
I am comforted by what little I actually know. I am happy not being a know-it-all. I love just letting my life happen. I am more present and I have peace of mind. My life if full and happy. Crazy happy!! Ok, right now its a bit more on the crazy side, but still happy.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 9:39 PM