Thursday, December 17, 2009

Here is what I DO know

There was a time in my life when I needed to know it all. During this time, any little drama or change in routine would put me into a tail spin. I hated not being in control and not knowing what was going to happen next or what other people were thinking. It made me feel small and insecure. Not knowing meant I was stupid and less than. I would often turn to others to protect me. I would look to others to bring me peace of mind.

I had no idea that all I really needed to do was look within and embrace the Divine. I simply needed to let things be. No answers were necessary. No protection was necessary. Peace of mind resided within. Trusting myself was all I really needed.

So what DO I know now. Not a whole lot. There are things happening in my life right now that I have no control over. There will always be things that I am powerless over. I can chose to accept things or I can chose to try to force the outcome that I desire. Forcing leads to fear and pain. Acceptance leads to peace, hope and love.

I don't know if Not-so-Little #1 is really going to go to out-patient treatment for alcohol abuse or whether she'll be able to pull herself out of the whole she's in. I don't know if Not-so-Little #2 is prepared to be a daddy or what will happen if he joins the Army like he says he wants to do. I don't know if I'm ready to be a grandmother. Those are just some of the things I don't know.

Here is what I DO know. I do know that my Not-so-Little #1 has a spirit that is waiting to shine. And when she goes within she'll find it there with open arms. I do know that Not-so-Little #2 has a ton of love in his heart for this wee little one and that he is stepping up where many 17 year olds would run away. I do know that no matter where he ends up he'll be the best dad he can be. I do know that I have enough love in my heart for a gazillion grandbabies and that love will show me how to be the best grandmother I can be.

I am comforted by what little I actually know. I am happy not being a know-it-all. I love just letting my life happen. I am more present and I have peace of mind. My life if full and happy. Crazy happy!! Ok, right now its a bit more on the crazy side, but still happy.

Just my thoughts.


Christine said...

That's a lot to deal with! I'm glad you're still happy. "Crazy but happy" isn't that bad of a place to be. :)

Anonymous said...

They certainly make life more colorful! ;)

inkywasfat said...

Those certainly are some things that would cause one to feel stress and lose peace. It's good to know that the truth "Be still and know that I am God" continues to be the best answer for the chaos that's always present in one form or another. (Great post!)

mermaid said...

Such a beautiful post. I especially loved the part of being happy with what little you do know.

I thought I had a lot to learn, but maybe I already know these things. So much time waisted in looking, controlling...

shiny mamaof6 said...

Christine - I have actually been enjoying "crazy but happy". I think everyone should give it a try.

Kristy - Don't you know it. Definitely colorful.

Stacey - You are right. The presence of the Divine makes sense out of chaos.

Mermaid - I'm sure that you know this, but time is never really wasted. Just taken up with life lessons we all have to learn.

Joy said...

Wow. What you *do* know is exactly what will guide you through life and what you draw upon as you guide your children. I love what you *do* know--far outshines what you don't:)
What I *do* know fills a thimble but is absolute--when I stand in Faith and remain open Anything, absolutely Anything, truly is possible. What I *don't* know is sometimes scary on the days I feel I've misplaced my "thimble". Lots of good energy and peace to you and your family:)

shiny mamaof6 said...

Thank you for your words here, Joy. I love what you say about what you know fills a thimble but is absolute. I have been holding my thimble close, so that I do not misplace it.

suZen said...

I'm so glad you found the favorite part of Xmas was just having the family together - your littles. But most of all that you have be-friended yourself - ahhh, it's a beautiful thing. That will help you immensely thru the "whatever" that pops in to visit during 2010. You will have opportunities galore! ("Trials" are opportunities too! Embracing them takes the yuck out)
Many hugs,

mermaid said...

My favorite part of this post is your new friend. It seems like you can handle so much more now that you have the ally you needed for so long...YOU.

Happy New Year, and may you continue to know that she is always there when you need her.