I toyed with the idea of running away the other night. It was late, I was tired and had just had another bedtime battle with the 9-year-old. To be honest, I guess I didn't just toy with the idea. I was pretty sure that I just needed to get the hell out. I needed to remove myself from this place that I had ended up in. I was sure that everyone in my life would be better off. That I would no longer have to be "needed" by anyone else. I would no longer be responsible for anyone else but myself. I would no longer be reminded daily of all the mistakes I have made as a mother and wife, because I would no longer be either of those things. I could just get away from all of that.
After a good cry, I did come to my senses. I realized that I did not want to run away from my kids and my husband. It would do no good because I was the one that I needed to get away from. Leaving would be pointless because I would still be the one looking back at myself in the mirror every day. I would still be living with myself day in and day out. It's hard to admit that I dislike myself that much, but that's where I am.
Last night I told my Mr. Man about my idea of running away, because I think it is important to tell him about all the chaos and confusion that lives in my head. He was lucky enough to be gone the night that I fell apart, so he had no clue about any of this. The poor man is very familiar with my chaos and confusion. I told him that I thought I needed couples counseling so that I could learn how to live with and communicate better with myself. We snickered about that, but I think we would both admit that it was actually true. We both know what happens when I start down this road of self-hate and loathing. I may end up in therapy. Or I will fight this inner struggle on my own. I have done both before. With the same results of freedom from the demons in my head. Both ways can get ugly. We will see which path I choose.
I don't want to paint the picture that all is lost for me. I have just come to see some things about myself that I do not like. I have realized that if I met myself in a social situation, I would not like that person. I think its important for me to acknowledge that. I can not change or become who I want to be if I am not brutally honest with who I am right now. I have been dealing with the consequences of some of the choices I have made in my life. So I have been making changes in my life and change has always been hard for me. It makes things feel more chaotic and confusing. I have had to admit that there are certain things I can not do at this point in my life. Like drinking in social situations and eating sugar and binge watching shows on Netflix. These are all crutches for me. They help me escape. I have to face who I am, free of distractions. Get to know her. Guide her to become the person she wants to be. Talk about what goes on in her head. I have to get this relationship thing with myself figured out. My Littles and Mr. Man don't want me to run away and that feels good to know. I won't be leaving, but I will be moving forward.
2 comments:
Two hours ago I wrote a long letter in here - then lost my Google Password so tried to reset it - then lost my email Password - so reset that using another email address - Now I am finally back, the long letter is gone - but the gist of it was - although I love mother more than I can say when I was 22 I told her if I had to think of one word to describe her it would be "staid". In my own defense I was thinking more in terms of "settled", "stabile", "grounded" and not in terms of "boring", but I'll never forget the look of pain which crossed her face. Never listen with your deepest heart to your children's criticism of what you have not done right because a) they don't get the big picture yet, but they will and b) even if they do see something that's not perfect about you, they love you deeply anyway. And isn't that part of you that loathes yourself only a part of you? Maybe not even a bad part of you - just a part of you that wants to help you out somehow. Can you tell that part of you to make her requests in a kinder way? She only has your best interests at heart, she just needs to learn that she can have what she wants without loathing you at the same time. Anyway, that's what the counselor I went to for about a year after Martin left told me. And that was also a very important aspect of the letter I wrote and lost - you have been taking care of other people for your entire adult life and you still feel you have not cared enough. Going to that counselor for me was so good because when everything was on fire and I felt I had to do so much to help the kids not fall apart after the separation and they were so devastated - there was no second to think about me - I had that one hour when I went and talked to that counselor she was there to take care of ME and it was good just to talk and cry without guilt - to be taken care of, for a change - that helped so much. You said it helps to get these thoughts out here. I just hope you don't feel out here alone. You are my little sister. You are a part of my consciousness, a part of me. I have felt that self loathing - sometimes it's just exhaustion, sometimes part of changing - although I have to say, while I was loathing, I still had compulsions and then the compulsions went away and so did the loathing, but which caused what and why is still a mystery.
Sorry that text up there is so garbeled, I'm quite tired now - although two hours ago when I came in here, I was Feeling pretty fit.
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