tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post8891047003859374408..comments2023-08-21T02:21:04.843-05:00Comments on Choosing To Begin: When Running Away Isn't An OptionJillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08700460888249251584noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-76774531570223119132015-01-30T15:41:22.898-06:002015-01-30T15:41:22.898-06:00Sorry that text up there is so garbeled, I'm q...Sorry that text up there is so garbeled, I'm quite tired now - although two hours ago when I came in here, I was Feeling pretty fit.gliderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14034359275457341195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5686853280048230813.post-5066174238088213372015-01-30T15:38:04.528-06:002015-01-30T15:38:04.528-06:00Two hours ago I wrote a long letter in here - then...Two hours ago I wrote a long letter in here - then lost my Google Password so tried to reset it - then lost my email Password - so reset that using another email address - Now I am finally back, the long letter is gone - but the gist of it was - although I love mother more than I can say when I was 22 I told her if I had to think of one word to describe her it would be "staid". In my own defense I was thinking more in terms of "settled", "stabile", "grounded" and not in terms of "boring", but I'll never forget the look of pain which crossed her face. Never listen with your deepest heart to your children's criticism of what you have not done right because a) they don't get the big picture yet, but they will and b) even if they do see something that's not perfect about you, they love you deeply anyway. And isn't that part of you that loathes yourself only a part of you? Maybe not even a bad part of you - just a part of you that wants to help you out somehow. Can you tell that part of you to make her requests in a kinder way? She only has your best interests at heart, she just needs to learn that she can have what she wants without loathing you at the same time. Anyway, that's what the counselor I went to for about a year after Martin left told me. And that was also a very important aspect of the letter I wrote and lost - you have been taking care of other people for your entire adult life and you still feel you have not cared enough. Going to that counselor for me was so good because when everything was on fire and I felt I had to do so much to help the kids not fall apart after the separation and they were so devastated - there was no second to think about me - I had that one hour when I went and talked to that counselor she was there to take care of ME and it was good just to talk and cry without guilt - to be taken care of, for a change - that helped so much. You said it helps to get these thoughts out here. I just hope you don't feel out here alone. You are my little sister. You are a part of my consciousness, a part of me. I have felt that self loathing - sometimes it's just exhaustion, sometimes part of changing - although I have to say, while I was loathing, I still had compulsions and then the compulsions went away and so did the loathing, but which caused what and why is still a mystery. gliderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14034359275457341195noreply@blogger.com