Tuesday, December 2, 2014


Tis the season to believe. I know that during this time of the year it is referring to believing in the miracle of Christ's birth or believing in the magic of Santa. However, I am not a Christian and I have issues with the fat man in a red suit. So the word 'believe' has a different feel to me. It symbolizes a belief in Love and Hope. It symbolizes knowing that all will be well and that life is good. It symbolizes that there is something bigger than me in this world.

When I was sitting and gazing upon our decorated tree, I saw this ornament and I felt a nudge from my soul. Actually it was more of a push. It was as if my soul was telling me to pay attention. You see, I have been at odds with Love and Hope for quite some time now. And I have successfully been able to push those bad feelings down, but it is time to let them out to breathe. Time to let them out so I can let them go. 

I don't know how or when it began, but I find myself doubting everything I have ever believed to be true. I find myself feeling lost and confused a lot of the time. I am annoyed by religious people. I am annoyed by spiritual people. I am annoyed by happy people. I am annoyed by sad people. Basically I am annoyed by people. It's not easy to put that out here. I know that it makes me look like a bitter, sad human. And I am. I just don't tell anyone about it. I've been here before many times.

I hole up in my house and try my hardest to not let my family or friends know the truth of how I am feeling inside. I have never asked them if they could tell that I was not in a good place, so I have no idea if they have ever known or not. 

This time around some of them are noticing. I'm losing my edge. I'm losing my ability to keep myself hidden from them. I can't keep up the dance anymore. 

This is hard. It is hard to know that the people I cherish most, can see me as this bitter and sad person that I feel I have become. I'm here in this hard place because I feel I have nothing to believe in. I know that there is something out there. I just can't find it right now. I'm searching. I'm not just giving up and letting sadness and bitterness win. It's a slow process. 

It's going to be get harder, but I know that it is necessary. I have to trudge through this muck so that I can come out on the other side. I know I've been here. It feels very familiar. It's a nightmare I have lived through before. I'm here, so I know that I got through that one and I can get through this one. 

I just found something I believe. I believe that I can get through this.


Tracy said...

Sometimes I think of the life I would like to be living - as a potter or a writer - as a woman with a "room of (her) own" to learn in, read in - strangely, quilt in - things I have basically - with the exception of reading - never done. I look at the life I am leading and realize how far it is from that dream and don't feel the ability to get there because I have ended up in a place in life... - I wouldn't trade in my children for that life dream up there or better - but they depend on me and I want them to have a childhood they can look back on with fondness - memories which bring them comfort - so I have to work - work in a way that will bring in secure money - and that is what I chose, but sometimes it's so hard to get through the days knowing that those dreams - no matter what anybody tells me - are not going to come true - to try to let them go and find happiness anyway - find happiness outside of that dream. It's hard sometimes. It's hard to believe that I will find a time and space for myself again - hard to realize I had so much time as a single woman without anyone depending on me and that I didn't get there to that dream at THAT time. We just have to keep making it through every day as well as we can, Jill. I know it doesn't bring a lot of comfort, but we can believe that we are really loved and that if we were gone we would be deeply missed. I believe we can get through. I believe you can get through this. The love is there. Wrap up the hope in it and store it good. Hang on to it - everything will come back again.

Jill said...

Thank you, Tracy. Finding a dream is something that I hope for.