Friday, July 23, 2010

Can I do this again?

About a year ago I started a massive decluttering project that took about 2 weeks to complete.  It was overwhelming, scary and exhilirating.  I was so full of pride and joy when I saw the last load of boxes and bags hauled away.  A total of 54 boxes/bags were cleared out of my home during that 2 week period.  Unfortunately that was just a drop in the bucket.  That was from the main living area of our home.  We have a lower level that has still not been decluttered. 

A year later my basement is overflowing with boxes of excess stuff.  I have 3 rooms to go through and the task feels like too much to handle.  I know I can do it.  I have proven that I have the strength to do this.  My struggle is in getting started.  I find myself getting very excited about having those 3 extra rooms cleared out, but as soon as I commit to getting started my feet suddely feel like 50 lb weights and I can't get myself to go down those stairs. 

What lies down there is just clutter.  It is just stuff that my family and I really don't use or need.  I don't even know what is in half the boxes.  Part of me wants to just haul the boxes out, unopened, to the curb.  Part of me wants to go through every item in every box and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something important.  I often find myself saying, "But, Jill, if its so important why has it been moved from box to box and room to room for so many years?"  I have no answer for that question, just a sheepish grin.

Something else lies down in my basement.  Something that has been following me around for most of my life.  I have managed to keep it at bay for awhile now, but have never managed to release it completely.  In my basement lies Shame and Guilt.  Everytime I try to get anything done down there I am overcome by their presence.  I don't want to hang out with them so I scurry back upstairs.  Magically, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs I am free from them.

But I won't be truly free from Shame and Guilt until I release them.  I am holding on to them through all of my clutter.  I am a master at burying things.  I often have a pile of papers and things on my kitchen island.  I know exactly where everything is there.  I know exactly where Shame and Guilt are.  I have strategically buried them amongst the clutter in my basement. 

I am on a path to healing right now.  I am getting stronger and stronger each new day.  I know that Shame and Guilt's days are numbered.  Here I am a year later and getting ready to once again begin a massive decluttering project. I still feel overwhelmed, scared and exhilarated.  I still feel a heaviness come over me when I try to commit to a start date.

Its time.  Its time to begin.  Beginning is hard for me.  Sometimes I have to begin many times, before I really get started.  Maybe beginning won't be hard for me this time.  Maybe I'll march downstairs, tell Shame and Guilt to get the hell out of my way, and just dive right in.  It could happen.  I'm in a different place now.  I have tapped into an amazing healing energy that I didn't have last year.  I am a much stronger woman than I was back then.  I have some things I didn't have then.  I have Respect and Pride and Love for myself.  I have Confidence and Strength.  I have Joy and Patience.  I have quite the arsenal to bring downstairs when I go up against Shame and Guilt.  They are cowering down there, waiting to be cast out. 

Yeah, I think maybe I can do this.

Just my thoughts.


Stacey Smith said...

Shame and Guilt be damned!

And yes, you have all the tools. I have no doubt you'll conquer the enemy. (It doesn't hurt to gather an army to fight with you. Is that an option?)

Go forth and fight!

shiny mamaof6 said...

Thanks for the encouraging words, Stacey. I'll bring you with me in Spirit when I trudge down those stairs. :)

Angela Sweetland Bass said...

I am fully positive you can do this. Look at all of the other 'tools' you have listed...Shame and Guilt have no power if you use those :)

Love you,

shiny mamaof6 said...

Thanks, Angie! I do believe that I will win this battle. :)

Tess The Bold Life said...

Yes you can do this and when you're finished there's a whole new world waiting for you. I believe in you! One day at a time one step at a time.

shiny mamaof6 said...

Tess, I am looking forward to the Light that waits for me while I get through this huge task. I thank you for your encouragement and your belief that I can do it.