Friday, July 23, 2010
Can I do this again?
A year later my basement is overflowing with boxes of excess stuff. I have 3 rooms to go through and the task feels like too much to handle. I know I can do it. I have proven that I have the strength to do this. My struggle is in getting started. I find myself getting very excited about having those 3 extra rooms cleared out, but as soon as I commit to getting started my feet suddely feel like 50 lb weights and I can't get myself to go down those stairs.
What lies down there is just clutter. It is just stuff that my family and I really don't use or need. I don't even know what is in half the boxes. Part of me wants to just haul the boxes out, unopened, to the curb. Part of me wants to go through every item in every box and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something important. I often find myself saying, "But, Jill, if its so important why has it been moved from box to box and room to room for so many years?" I have no answer for that question, just a sheepish grin.
Something else lies down in my basement. Something that has been following me around for most of my life. I have managed to keep it at bay for awhile now, but have never managed to release it completely. In my basement lies Shame and Guilt. Everytime I try to get anything done down there I am overcome by their presence. I don't want to hang out with them so I scurry back upstairs. Magically, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs I am free from them.
But I won't be truly free from Shame and Guilt until I release them. I am holding on to them through all of my clutter. I am a master at burying things. I often have a pile of papers and things on my kitchen island. I know exactly where everything is there. I know exactly where Shame and Guilt are. I have strategically buried them amongst the clutter in my basement.
I am on a path to healing right now. I am getting stronger and stronger each new day. I know that Shame and Guilt's days are numbered. Here I am a year later and getting ready to once again begin a massive decluttering project. I still feel overwhelmed, scared and exhilarated. I still feel a heaviness come over me when I try to commit to a start date.
Its time. Its time to begin. Beginning is hard for me. Sometimes I have to begin many times, before I really get started. Maybe beginning won't be hard for me this time. Maybe I'll march downstairs, tell Shame and Guilt to get the hell out of my way, and just dive right in. It could happen. I'm in a different place now. I have tapped into an amazing healing energy that I didn't have last year. I am a much stronger woman than I was back then. I have some things I didn't have then. I have Respect and Pride and Love for myself. I have Confidence and Strength. I have Joy and Patience. I have quite the arsenal to bring downstairs when I go up against Shame and Guilt. They are cowering down there, waiting to be cast out.
Yeah, I think maybe I can do this.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 9:52 AM