Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I became a mother today

I became a mother on this day 22 years ago.  For these past 22 years now, I have loved being a mother and I have hated it.  I have made many mistakes in my mothering, but they were all mistakes that I had to make.  Some people say that being a mother is a job.  The times that I have hated being a mom have been the times that I believed that being a mother was a job.  In my mind, mothering is not a job.  It is not something that I can call in sick from.  It is not something that I will ever receive monetary compensation for.  It is not something that I can, at the end of the day, clock out and walk away from.  That is how I view a job. 

Mothering is a part of who I am.  It is a piece of me that will never be absent from my life.  I will always and forever be a mother.  It is a role that I have been fine tuning all these 22 years.  Am I the perfect mother?  Absolutely not.  Is there a perfect mother?  Absolutely not.  Is being a mother perfect for me?  I believe so. 

I stumbled into motherhood at a time in my life when things were not going well for me.  I was drinking too much and I was not taking any part of my life seriously.  I was not the person that I wanted to be, but had no intentions on changing.  Then I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl.  She filled my lonely heart up with love the second I laid eyes on her.  She was perfect.  Becoming a mother turned my life around.  It would be many years till I was to become the shiny person I feel I am today, but my life definitely changed that April 14th for the better.

On that day, I became important to someone else.  I couldn't think of just myself any longer.  Yes, it was hard being a single mom.  It was hard feeling like I was all alone in the world with this tiny baby.  I doubted myself as a mother, but I never never doubted my love for my precious Little.

The relationship that I have had with my first born has been complicated and fierce at times.  It has also been rewarding and meaningful.  I wish her to be happy and joyful and to love herself as I love her.  I wish her to find her passion and turn it into a way of life.  I wish her to be thoughtful and responsible and to surround herself with the same kind of people.  Most of all, however, I wish her to know that I love her and I will wait patiently as she finds her way through life.

I can no longer financially support her in any way, but I will always emotionally support her.  I have boundaries in place that will not be crossed.  I hold those boundaries solidly in place because I love her and I want to model to her what it means to not allow others to take advantage of us.  I don't want her to take advantage of me and I don't want her to be taken advantage of either.

Being her mother for these last 22 years is something that I would never change.  I don't wish I could do anything over.  Every experience, every ounce of pain and joy I have felt, was exactly what it was supposed to be.

Happy Birthday, Not-so-Little #1.  I hope that you know in your heart that I love you fully and unconditionally.  I hope that you are able to make your life into all that you hope it will be.  Thank you for choosing me as your mother and helping me to begin my journey into motherhood.  I love you!!

Just my thoughts.


Jay Schryer said...

This is beautiful, Jill. My daughter will be turning 14 in 10 days, and I hope that mine knows I love her as much as yours knows you love her. I hope I can be half as good a parent as you are.

Stacey Smith said...

Lovely thoughts.

mermaid said...

Every time you share a piece of your heartfelt journey as a mother, I smile. There is doubt, and joy, and guilt, and love. It is usually messy, and seldom easy. Yet, you keep on walking and holding your dear ones in your heart, sometimes physically close, sometimes physically distant.

But you never stop loving them, or yourself.

Never stop.

Christine said...

What a beautiful post! Loved it. :)

Anonymous said...

mmm Happy *Mother's* day then....because this is truly a special day--the day you were given the role of mother. A role that has helped shape you, bring you forward, at times bring you bakcward, that is etched in your heart, your soul, your being. Celebrate all of the joy, all of the good that warms your heeart; release all else. "Perfect" is not of this realm, but each moment you mother you are perfect for that moment.
Much peace...

shiny mamaof6 said...

Jay - I can feel the love you have for your daughter and at almost 14, she may not act like she knows you love her, but she does. How about we both just strive to be the best parents we can be together. :)

Stacey - Thank you for reading and leaving a comment. It means a lot to me.

Mermaid - Usually messy and seldom easy...I love that! So true. Thank you for the reminder to never stop loving myself as well.

Christine - Thank you for being you, for reading my thoughts and sharing yours.

Joy - Thank you for this touching comment. I was really touched by this, "each moment you mother you are perfect for that moment." I will strive to hold on the joyful and let the other stuff go.

Laura Hegfield said...

such sweetness. In my family, we always wish the momma happy birthday it is us momma's who do the birthing...sooo...Happy Birthday!

shiny mamaof6 said...

Laura - Thank you for stopping over and leaving such a sweet comment. It means a lot to me.

Nina P. said...

What a beautiful tribute to your daughter and yourself. Honoring her on her birthday and honoring yourself as the mother you are. Blessings to you and your #1 daughter. May Life bring fullness of heart and love of soul to you both. Blessings to you and yours. Love and Light, Nina P