Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I became a mother today
Mothering is a part of who I am. It is a piece of me that will never be absent from my life. I will always and forever be a mother. It is a role that I have been fine tuning all these 22 years. Am I the perfect mother? Absolutely not. Is there a perfect mother? Absolutely not. Is being a mother perfect for me? I believe so.
I stumbled into motherhood at a time in my life when things were not going well for me. I was drinking too much and I was not taking any part of my life seriously. I was not the person that I wanted to be, but had no intentions on changing. Then I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. She filled my lonely heart up with love the second I laid eyes on her. She was perfect. Becoming a mother turned my life around. It would be many years till I was to become the shiny person I feel I am today, but my life definitely changed that April 14th for the better.
On that day, I became important to someone else. I couldn't think of just myself any longer. Yes, it was hard being a single mom. It was hard feeling like I was all alone in the world with this tiny baby. I doubted myself as a mother, but I never never doubted my love for my precious Little.
The relationship that I have had with my first born has been complicated and fierce at times. It has also been rewarding and meaningful. I wish her to be happy and joyful and to love herself as I love her. I wish her to find her passion and turn it into a way of life. I wish her to be thoughtful and responsible and to surround herself with the same kind of people. Most of all, however, I wish her to know that I love her and I will wait patiently as she finds her way through life.
I can no longer financially support her in any way, but I will always emotionally support her. I have boundaries in place that will not be crossed. I hold those boundaries solidly in place because I love her and I want to model to her what it means to not allow others to take advantage of us. I don't want her to take advantage of me and I don't want her to be taken advantage of either.
Being her mother for these last 22 years is something that I would never change. I don't wish I could do anything over. Every experience, every ounce of pain and joy I have felt, was exactly what it was supposed to be.
Happy Birthday, Not-so-Little #1. I hope that you know in your heart that I love you fully and unconditionally. I hope that you are able to make your life into all that you hope it will be. Thank you for choosing me as your mother and helping me to begin my journey into motherhood. I love you!!
Just my thoughts.
Posted by Jill at 10:00 AM