"Let it be a peaceful decision." This was some sage advice I received today from my dear friend M. I find myself once again playing with the idea of taking up homeschooling the Littles. I have a tendency to feel compelled to make huge life-changing decisions when I'm in the middle of an emotional upheaval. I have no idea why I do this, but it has always been a vice of mine. I suppose it was that bully that used to reside inside of me. Who always seemed to make sure that I didn't feel good in my own skin. That bully that used to lead me from person to person in order to find the right answer to my constantly changing life questions. I never used to just listen to what my heart wanted. I didn't trust myself to make decisions. I had to have all of my decisions affirmed and reaffirmed by the people in my life. My decisions were never anything like peaceful.
So when I read those words, "Let it be a peaceful decision", in my friends message today I heard a very quiet voice inside of me say "yes, let it be a peaceful decision." What is a peaceful decision? Peaceful decisions come from the heart. They come from the spirit. There is no anxiety attached to a peaceful decision. A peaceful decision just flows. It just happens.
I know why I want to homeschool again. It's not because the Littles hate school. They are actually happy to be in school. It's not that they hate homework. Sure they complain a bit, but there are no tears falling on their faces. I'm the one who hates school. I'm the one who hates homework. I'm the one who wishes that she could be free from the clutches of the Dept. of Education and their ridiculous standards. I'm the one who hates being in the car 80+ minutes a day driving them to school and home again. I'm the one with tears falling on my face.
It all sounds very selfish and childish, but I have every right to feel the way I do. What I don't have a right to do is make a decision that could possibly harm one or more of my precious Littles. Every decision that is made is followed by consequences. Some of the consequences are good and some could be bad. I used to make decisions with no thought of what the consequences could be for others. As long as I was happy then it was a good choice. I can no longer make those kinds of decisions. Those are not peaceful decisions.
So I will not decide today whether or not the Littles will come home. I will also not try to force a balance that may not be possible. I can just let things flow. I can let things just happen. I will continue on with the things that I dislike, not because I don't deserve to be happy, but because I deserve to decide for myself what will work and what absolutely will not. I know that I may have this aversion to all things schooly because I am still smarting from the drama of Not-So-Little #1 and from losing my sister to 18 hours of highway.
For me to make any decisions right now would be anything but peaceful. Thank you, my dear friend M, for offering your comforting words and for the wisdom that I received. I am blessed to have such wise friends.
Just my thoughts.
12 comments:
this is a beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing! You are very wise in recognizing the truth - 'to just listen to what my heart wanted. I didn't trust myself to make decisions.'That is right on! Your blogs always hold such subtle unmistakable truths and lessons! :) Blessings to you, ~Sharmila
Aw shucks, Sharmilla. Thank you.
I have been caught one too many times making drastic decisions under emotional duress and desperation. The idea of peaceful decisions really speaks to me, and I'm glad it's speaking to you, too. :)
I'm grateful to have friends like you, Meagan, who introduce the idea of peaceful decisions into my heart. Thank you.
What a wonderful way of putting it! So many times people talk of struggling to make a decision. I love the idea of letting decisions almost make themselves, when our hearts tell us what we should do. Thank you so much for sharing this story!
I too suffer from drastic decision making. I love this idea of peaceful decisions. It's very important. It will allow a bit of time to creep in and let our emotions fade. Sometimes that is all we need...just some time to pass. I am sorry about your sister moving, but soon that heartache will fade too (or a least become less biting). Many blessings to you. XOXO
Daphne - Listening to the heart is truly so much easier than letting the ego take over.
Caroline - Thank you for the blessings. I look forward to the day that this heartache fades away. I'm trying not to rush it.
That's such great advice, Jill, and something I'm going to carry with me this month as I embark on a new part of my life. "Let it be a peaceful decision." Like you, I've often made decisions during duress. The results were duress-fueled, to be sure. When I get really quiet, though, and go deep within, I find decisions aren't needed so much as (like you said) a flow can happen. Life, like water, will flow on its own. I can't force the river, and I need to find and honor peace right now. (Or rather, let peace surface.)
Thank you for this poignant reminder.
Megan - "Life, like water, will flow on its own. I can't force the river, and I need to find and honor peace right now". This is so beautifully true. Thank YOU.
I love that...peaceful decisions. Anytime I don't make one I know it immediately. The thing for me is I need to come from a place of peace to make the peaceful decision. Thanks for your thoughts on this and I'm sending blessings your way!
I agree with Sharmila...she said exactly what I wanted to say! I honor that wise woman in you who is beating out the bully in there for space and your ear! Wish I had had your wisdom when I was in your shoes! blessings to you and yours....
"Losing my sister to 18 hours of highway..."? That is so beautiful and poetic! But not true. You didn't lose me at all. I just had to create a southwestern retreat for you to escape to... Somebody had to do it. That's me- always giving! ;)
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