Had a very productive day today. My baby sister came over and helped me out. She is always so willing to help and I am blessed to have her near by. My house definitely looks like it is under construction, yet the energy feels lighter. I feel so at peace. Rooms are starting to look more open. I feel like I can breathe easier. With the exception of all the sneezing. I guess when you don't move things for 4 years they gather a lot of dust. I know it's been 4 years because I found some mail and magazines from 2005 in my room today.
I also came across my high school senior yearbook. As soon as I opened it I knew that I was opening up an emotional can of worms. I actually began to feel nervous. As I looked through the pages I realized that I barely remembered any of these people. I do know that it may be normal to not remember everyone from 25 years ago. With each turn of the page I became more and more emotional. Tears filled my eyes as it became obvious to me that I not only didn't remember my classmates, but I couldn't even remember what I was like. I didn't recognize that girl in the pictures. She sure didn't smile very much. I figured that I wasn't that popular because I wasn't in the yearbook all that much. Then I started reading what some of the classmates that had signed my book had to say.
Most of the comments where about all the fun we had in class. What a special friend I was and how I was going to be missed when I went away to college. I was sweet and a good listener. I knew how to have fun and I knew how to put people at ease. So many people hoped we wouldn't lose touch with each other. It was also the hope of many that my boyfriend and I would stay together forever. Well, neither of those hopes made it. I lost the boy and the friends, and apparently I lost myself also. I know that I have always struggled with memory. I guess I just don't understand why. Why don't I remember these people who I seemed to have had a lot of fun with? People who were very obviously important to me at the time.
I have reconnected with some of these special people when we all started to find each other on Facebook. It's true. I Facebook and I Twitter, but that's another blog post. I have been tempted many times to ask each of these classmates to tell me what I was like. To tell me some things they remember that we did together for fun. I want to know it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. If I was bitch, I want to know. If I was obnoxious, I want to know. Was I kind and fun or crabby and depressing? I wouldn't even mind if I heard a few, "I'm sorry, but I really just don't remember you." Someday I am going to get up enough nerve to ask. For now, I'll just go by what was written in my yearbook. I can live with that Jill. The fun, easy going, sweet Jill who people felt good around. I'm that person right now.
Do you remember who you were in high school? How different are you now from that person?
Just my thoughts.
2 comments:
The person you are right now is just terrific. Sounds like your making great strides in your project. I'm glad that you're at peace throughout this endeavor. I'm definitely a more serious and thoughtful person now compared to high school. I don't think that I'm much different. I hope to find a better sense of where I'm going soon.
I too have lost touch with everyone i went to school with even though I went to a very small school...I think there were 17 in my graduating class.Not living in the same community and no longer having close family there means I seldom ever go back to where I grew up. But with a new life here, my children and friends...all is well.
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