Day 1 of my journey to letting go is done. I have to say that it has been a day of many emotions. I started my day with to-do list in hand and I was ready for a day of freeing myself from things that have been holding me down. I knew I wouldn't get much done because I had to go shopping for birthday presents for little #6. She turns 4 tomorrow and I hadn't gotten anything for her.
This shopping trip did not set me back. I returned home late in the afternoon and I was ready for action. I even managed to enlist the help of 3 of the littles. I had a list of 6 things to do. By the time 9:30 rolled around I had finished 5 of those 6 things. I was flying high. I felt unbeatable. Nothing could stop me from crossing off that final task.
My final task was to work on decluttering my bedroom. I began the walk down the hall to my room and the closer I got the heavier my mood became. I took one step into my room and suddenly I was completely overwhelmed. All I could do was wander around my room, which is actually just walking around the bed. My room is so cluttered up that there is only about 2 feet around the bed. So I paced around the bed and felt completely helpless. I so wanted to just leave and close the door, which is what I usually do. I must have walked to the door and stopped 3 or 4 times.
I was ready to give up. I was already letting myself think that 5 out of 6 was pretty good. It really is ok. Me getting 5 things done in one day is a big deal. That wasn't the point. The point was that I knew I couldn't let all this fear that was building inside of me take over. So here's what I did. I went and got my camera and I took pictures of my room. I wanted to be able to compare my room before to my room after. I needed to be able to look at this clutter through a new lens. The lens of the camera revealed to me that all of the excess "stuff" entombed my bed. It showed me that I may feel like an incredibly free-spirited person by day, but that at night I am far from this free-spirit. I can never be truly free until I am free of the clutter. I once again found a glimmer of strength to begin in my room. I took a baby step. I cleared one small area in my room and called it a night. I felt lighter once again.
I don't know if I'll ever post the before pictures of my room. There is some shame attached to the condition it is in. I don't want to sit in shame. I do have to say that I definitely believe that I can continue on this journey to freedom. I will continue to fight for the freedom that my spirit will feel when I am not surrounded by a fortress of stuff. I know that the next 11 or 12 days are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I am up for the challenge. All I have to do is believe. I believe.
Just my thoughts.
9 comments:
Wow. You are in inspiration for sure. And then to top it all off, you blogged about it. Keep going!!!
Oh, Jill, what a heartfelt post! I felt your heaviness, frustration and shame. Thank you for being so transparent about this, because as you are able, you enable us to be open and honest too. I love this line of yours: "It showed me that I may feel like an incredibly free-spirited person by day, but that at night I am far from this free-spirit." Reminds me of another friend who wrote a letter where she said," I am quite enlightened between the hours of 8-3 when my kids are in school!"
This is so true of EACH of us. We all feel phony now and then. I teach women about being calm, clear and wise and guess what? I have many moments throughout the day that I get anxious or worried--forget my own advice! (LOL)
If you and I were neighbors, I would come over and give you a big hug and a cup of tea. But we are not, so will you accept my offer of tea via the airwaves and a cyber hug? You truly are an amazing woman...
How about this mantra? "Freedom is mine, one step at a time."
If WE were neighbors I'd have you come over and see my junky office that I'm in the middle of cleaning! :)
It must be hard to feel enclosed by the clutter, and guilty for having the clutter. Hooray for moving a small piece of it and feeling lighter.
How can I support you?
You've done SO much already!! Every day should be a celebration of what you've already accomplished in your home. I'm PROUD of you! One step at a time.
You took a big step already. I wish you the best of luck as you go through this journey. You are a wonderful, inspirational spirit. Hugs!
I am overwhelmed with all of the support and kindness that I have gotten from all of you. I feel so grateful to have such a community of angels who are giving so much to me. Thank you for all that you do.
Good for you Jill! just take one tiny step at a time. Don't try to climb Everst in one day (something my Mom would say to me). You should feel so good about what you have done. I am sending you lot's of good energy!
I had to read this post along with all the comments --- heartwarming for sure! I'm signed up to receive Mike Dooley's "Notes From the Universe" every day in my inbox, and today the message was, "The real reason so many have trouble with the baby steps... -- doing all they can, with what they've got, from where they are, no matter how humble or seemingly futile -- is because they haven't yet grasped that the baby steps trigger unseen forces that throw wide the floodgates of unstoppable momentum, infinite abundance, and eternal life."
Those floodgates to the life of your dreams are opening as we speak, Jill! Keep at it! (And Happy Birthday to your daughter!)
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