SAD isn't so up & down for me.

I am in the company of SAD today (a.k.a. Seasonal Affective Disorder).  I have struggled with SAD for as long as I can possibly remember.  Winters have often been dark for me.  I have to admit, however, that over these last few years, and particularly this last year, my time spent with SAD has been lessened. 

I have come to recognize when SAD is at my door.  It starts out with a nagging sense of something not being right.  Just a feeling.  Like I'm happy, but not happy.  Down, but not completely out.  This is completely different from times past with SAD.  That looked more like a deep, dark black hole that I had fallen into and couldn't get out for days weeks at a time.  While in the black hole, I would try desperately to "act as if" nothing was wrong, which made me fall deeper in.

My poor family, friends and co-workers had to deal with me being up one day and down the next.  I was on a constant see-saw of up & down.  Of course, I didn't recognize any of this and I certainly wouldn't have cared even if I did.  I usually grabbed on to SAD and held on to it tight.  I had a crappy life and I deserved to have bad days.  At least that's what my mind told me.  It only got worse when I realized that what I experienced had a name and was actually a disorder.  My mind loved that.  Now I could be a mess of darkness and it was ok.

Well, it wasn't ok.  Imagine what it must have been like for my family.  They usually got the brunt of my dark moods.  My precious Littles had no clue what to expect from me day to day.  We were together ALL the time and I'm not so sure they were always feeling safe and secure.  I know they loved the ups, but I'm sure the downs probably left them feeling like they were in a black hole also.

Things are completely different now.  Yes, SAD still affects me.  Yes, I still have days when I'm feeling down.  I deal with those days honestly now.  I don't try to poo poo them away and pretend that they don't exist.  I come right out and tell my family that I am feeling a bit sad and I need some time to allow myself to feel the sadness.

I consider myself a rather introverted person.  Because of this I find myself withdrawing from people when this sadness appears.  Not because I don't want people to see me down.  Not because I am trying to hide the fact that this shiny mama's "Shiny" is a little on the dim side.  It is because I know that in order for me to ensure that SAD doesn't hang around I need to just be with "me".  I need to spend time in quiet.  I can't be completely in solitude because I have the Littles here, but they really respect my need for quiet.  I don't ask for it unless I really need it.  So when I do they honor that.  I am blessed having them here.

I am also blessed with a wonderful network of friends and family that understand my need to be with myself.  One thing I have learned over this past year, is that the person that I truely am is generally a happy, shiny person.  I love feeling that shine within. I have connected with that part of me and I am able to see when it starts to dim.  Spending time with me is just like spending time with any dear friend.

In addition to connecting with my Spirit I also make sure that whatever room I am in is brightly lit.  I light a lot of candles at night.  I play happy, upbeat music.  I tackle a project that I know will make me smile to get it done.  I read a book that I have been putting off reading.  I drink extra water.  I also sit myself down in front of a window and I look outside and search for beauty.  There is beauty all around me in this white wonderland I live in.  Finding that beauty fills me with gratitude. 

So I am grateful for SAD, for giving me the opportunity to spend some quality time with a very dear friend.  For letting me see that I need to focus on myself and honor "me".  I am also grateful that there are no more severe ups and downs.  Maybe just a small dip here and there.

I am not trying to say in anyway that SAD is an easy thing to conquer.  It can be quite severe and debilitating.  Many people need help to live with it.  I used to be one of those people.  I know how scary and dark it can be.  If you are struggling please reach out to family, friends and professionals that can help.  We all deserve to shine bright and whatever we need to do to get there is important.

Just my thoughts.