Have you ever wanted to leave a place so bad it hurts? I am having a hard time shaking this sadness that has overcome me. I have to say that since I started feeling this way, today is probably the worst day. I keep hearing my mind saying over and over that I need to get out of this place. The only problem is that I don't know what this "place" is. Is it this home, this town or this darkness that I have wandered into?
So I have to look at all three of the "places" that I may want to leave. My home has always been a sore spot for me. Ever since we moved here I have struggled with making it feel like my home. I have struggled with keepig the clutter down and even though I went through a major decluttering it still feels like I am being suffocated. Phase 2 of my decluttering needs to be started, but I feel as though I don't have the strength to begin right now. There is one thing about living in this house that I would miss and that is my backyard. All the trees and the birds and the other wildlife that occasionally visit make my Spirit shine. I would miss them greatly.
That brings me to the second "place". The town I live in. I have never liked or felt like a part of this community. Honestly, there is one thing that keeps me here, and that is the fact that Mr. Man owns a business here. He takes great pride in this business and I will always fully support his decision to live here. I have been here for a little over 13 years and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I struggle with a lack of spiritual community. I want to share my spiritual journey with others, but I see all the intolerance for people who are "different" and I am unable to be myself because of it. I do have 3 friends here in town who I feel I can be myself with and I am thankful for their friendships. I don't spend a lot of time with them, but I know I could at any time. I feel safe with these three fabulous women and that makes my spirit shine also. Someday I will feel strong enough to show my true self to others too, but right now I don't feel secure in doing that. I guess its time for me to step out of myself and reach out to the people who will let me be me.
So now I must face the third "place" that I may need to leave. This darkness that has surrounded me. Of course I need to leave it. I guess the question that is in my mind is whether I can leave it behind or if it is here because I am in these other two "places". Am I feeling this pain because I am making myself be in physical places that my Spirit longs to leave? Or am I wanting to leave these "places" because the darkness is trying to keep me stuck in sadness? Am I even making any sense?
Depression has come knocking at my door and it is really muddling up my mind, but I am still very aware that my Spirit has a voice and I am listening ever so carefully. It is easy to distinguish my Spirit's voice from this darkness. My Spirit speaks softly and lovingly and this darkness is always yelling at me. Sometimes its hard to hear the soft voice over all the yelling.
I have a choice here. I can continue to allow this dark friend to stick around or I can finally send it packing. I do believe that the choice is mine. However, I may need some help in getting rid of the darkness. For one, I need to start up my Vitamin D again. I can also go pick up some nice herbal tea. I can reach out to my friends and see about having a girls day. I can go back to my on-line communities of Facebook and Twitter. I can get Phase 2 of decluttering underway. I can start exploring my spirituality again. I can stop keeping my Spirit and my True Self hidden from those around me. I have a choice. The choice to be free or the choice to be held in captivity. I've got experience with both.
I'm getting out of this "place". This dark "place" that is sucking the life out of me. I've been here long enough now. I may have needed to be here, but my sentance has been served and now it is time to be freed. Good bye my dark friend. I'm sure you'll be back some day, but for now it is time to part ways. It is time for me to join the living once again.
I am giving my Sprit a warm hug and I am extending a warm hug out to all of you who may struggle with the darkness. It is a sad and scary place to be, but it doesn't have to be a lifetime sentance. Reach out to family and friends in anyway that you can. Don't forget to reach "in" to your Spirit and let it gently guide you out of the darkness. It is there to help. My love is pouring out to all of you who read this. I am grateful to you all.
Just my thoughts.
14 comments:
I'm giving your spirit a big hug, too. I hate that you're going through this, and I hope it gets better soon. The darkness always gives way to the light, my friend. This is no different. You'll be singing in the sun again soon.
You have had so much going on...a sister moving away, old friend popping in, and the change of seasons bringing longer nights and leaving less sunlight... Be kind to yourself. Do reach out like you are. Arm yourself with warm friends, gentle moments, inspiring words...what ever you need to send the darkness packing. It's ok to let the darkness in once in awhile...just don't let it keep your spirit hostage...
Sending prayers of light your way!
Jay, my spirit thanks you. I am happy to say that the sun is shining in my heart once again.
Caroline, I think my spirit was definitely in lock-down, but I have set it free again. Thank you for the prayers.
I feel very similar about the house and city I live in! I never felt like this house or the neighborhood it's in was really "me", and it's an issue I still struggle with at times. I'm glad you have friends where you live and took steps to get rid of the depression. (I see from the comments that things are better.) *hugs*
Reaching "in" to your spirit? Brilliant. And a beautiful post Jill. I'm happy you're ready to live again.
Oh ya, and to have 3 friends within a small town who accept you for who you are entirely...? I think you're way ahead of most people. ;)
Please do whatever you need to to seek refuge, family, friends, herbs/vitamins. Is it possible to find a therapist who is spiritual enough to help guide you through this tough time?
Would a gratitude list help you find some light in this darkness. When shadows hover around me, a gratitude list always helps the light shine through--usually much brighter than I could conceive. Give yourself permission to rest between steps, be kind and gentle with yourself as you would with your children, and follow your heart--it always knows the way:) a big hug, and lots of peace....
Christine - Thanks for the hugs. I am very lucky to have the friends that I do. And I think that I have decided to make this house mine. I'm taking a spiritual housecleaning class and I am going to redo each room till it is a reflection of me. Things are definitely better.
Kristy - I am ready. I am also going to turn to those friends a little more than I usually do.
Mermaid - I haven't considered a therapist yet. I am lucky enough to know a good one if I ever get to that point again. I had to go through several therapists before I found her. I'm going to go the holistic route this time. I feel good about it.
Joy - Thank you for the gratitude list suggestion. Its easy for me to forget about these wonderful ways to stay connected to Spirit when I am in the throws of darkness. Thank you for the peace and the cyber hug.
It's never easy to work on ourselves. For Others; I'm there with a voice of comfort and courage but for myself... not so much... It's a work in progress to allow myself to be good to myself. It's been in me to put myself second that it's a hard change. Yet that is just what puts me into my dark spot, when I don't feel worth the effort. I thankfully I've been learning on my journey through life, that you have to take care of yourself before you reach out to others. Sometimes being selfish is good... I never knew there were two kinds of selfishness. The mine, mine, mine and the "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF" kind. Be gentle with yourself, listen (as you are) to that inner voice, your Spirit that is saying, BE. Be who you are, Show other's that wonderful person inside, make the house a Home by owning it wholly, Fully, make it what you want it to be. The darkens is never an eternal night (though sometimes it thinks it is) as there is always a dawn and New Day ahead. It is our choice to stay under the covers, or get out and go out, and be part of the change we need. Easier said than done as we both know, but do it we must...
If I had to sum up life in one word... I think it would have to be... BE, just be.... for BE-ing is what it's all about, being present, being open, being thankful, being joyous, being sad, being reflective.... Just Be the best you can be one moment, one breath at a time... BE on your path, see all that is around you and make it yours.. Be selfish and in doing so find so much Love inside that it can't be contained. Be the change that you want to see. Believe and it can be so... Thank you for reminding us we are not alone in our dark places but we can and will get out, by sharing the darkness it is easier to carry and eventually shed the cloak and turn our faces towards the Light of Life again... Be gentle with yourself and be good to yourself... Blessings to you and yours... Love and Light, Nina P
Nina P - What you say here is beautiful and so true. I have always struggled with the putting others first syndrome. I didn't do it this time. I allowed myself to be there for myself. I am at a place where I can just Be and it is a beautiful gift to me. Thank you for such kind words here. Thank you for BEing you.
Jill,
I am holding you in thought, heart and prayer. This is not an easy place to be. But I know that you know that there are many ups and downs to the spiritual life. How could we even be in joy if we did have days filled with sorrow? We would not know the difference. :-) May the road even out for you. May you have faith in you and the process of unfolding....
The warmest of hugs! And they come from a spirit who has been where you've been in the dark. I blamed my house, my town, my being "different", not having friends who could relate or resonate with my spiritual feelings or anything for that matter.
One day when I was out in a park with my journal (in the dark days) I heard a voice say to me "Draw your shoe" over and over. It sounds crazy I know. But after awhile, I did it. I got really into that shoe. I didn't know I could draw! It was a total shock! After spending I don't know how much time, and looking at this drawing that was astounding, I asked in my journal what this was about? A shoe???
My pen flew across the pages - telling me the value of this shoe. It is grounded, it is filled with life (my foot) it is mine, it can walk, it can dance. It is me and I am it. A lot of woo-woo stuff pouring out, and I know it sounds nuts but let me tell you, it was a weird switch over to the light! I took that journal page with the drawing and framed it. It's where I can see it daily. It's been there for 19 years now. It reminds me to keep walking, to accept, to honor the comfort of my life, to realize the simple things in life are beautiful, and to love the shoe wherever it is - always!
I'm thrilled it sounds like you found your shoe!
Switch off that dark - you are right, it's a choice, and now that you can see the benefits of the light, by golly, stay there and love it! Love yourself and celebrate the unlimited potential and opportunity of each day!
Big hugs
suZen
Jan - Thank you for being a constant source of support and wisdom. I am thankful that I do feel both joy and sorrow. I also cherish the fact that I can share that joy and sorrow here. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. They truly help keep me lifted up.
SuZen - If there is such a thing as a spirit sister, you are mine. Your life experiences really seem to match mine in so many ways. What you experienced in the park doesn't sound crazy to me. It sounds like you were handed a gift and you took it. More people need to listen to their spirits like that. I'm glad that you found your shoe that day and became who you are today. Blessings to you.
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