August is hard for me

I hate it when I take big breaks from posting, because I never seem to know how to begin again.  I feel like I should be all apologetic and go into a big, long reason for my absence.  Truth be told, I just haven't felt like sharing.  August has been a difficult month for me for the past 3 years.  I always seem to come unglued for part of the month because it marks the last month of summer with the Littles.  It reminds me that soon some of them will be off to school.  I say some, because 2 of the 4 school-age Littles homeschool.  This will be the 3rd year that there will be a "first day of school" in our house.  I have to admit that it is definitely easier than the first year, but it still leaves an empty space in my heart.  It still makes me kick myself for putting them in school in the first place.  If I hadn't put them in school, 2 of them would never had decided they liked it. 

However, since beating myself up has lost its charm for me, I have gotten better at letting them go.  It doesn't have the same effect it did 3 years ago.  I gained 75 lbs that year.  I was an emotional wreck, who was convinced that I had damaged my children by homeschooling them.  The 2nd year I was pretty sure that I was damaging them by keeping them IN school.  When 2 of them decided at Winter break that they did not want to return, I breathed a collective sigh of relief.  I was getting my children back.  I was sure that the other 2 would come to their senses before the summer was through.

Alas, the summer is winding down, and the other 2 are still excited about starting school next month.  I am just as relieved as I am disappointed.  I am happy that they are getting a good experience in school.  I like that they will be happy to go.  I am disappointed because it means a lot of driving for me and a lot of homework battles.  I'm not going to go off on a rant about the evils of homework, but it is a very sore spot with me.  That being said, I have been good about keeping my disappointment to myself.  I don't share that with the Littles.  Its not what they need to hear.  I can be supportive and encouraging even though my heart is heavy. 

So even though this month has not been good emotionally for me, it is not as dark as it has been the last 2.  I am hopeful that the Littles in school will be happy there.  If they decide that it is not working for them, they can come home just as their siblings did.  I trust them to know what is working and what is not.  I trust my connection with them, to know if they are struggling.

In a little less than 2 weeks, they will be off to school.  Ironically, their first day is also my birthday.  I guess I'll have to treat myself extra special this birthday to compensate for whatever pain I may experience that day.  I'm looking forward to seeing how well I can spoil myself. 

Just my thoughts.

Addiction revisited

So it seems that I am being revisited by my old friend food addiction.  I don't have a very typical view on food addiction. I posted my take on it here. 

When I came out of the 12-step recovery program for food addiction, I was completely defeated by food.  Food had me in its grip like it never had before.  I put a lot of blame on the 12-step program.  The shame and guilt that that particular program focused on felt like the reason I fell into relapse. 

Here's my take on that now.  I don't think that the program put me into relapse.  I fell into relapse because I wasn't really getting recovery.  I was simply working a program and burying the dis-ease that made me overeat in the first place.  I buried that dis-ease deep. 

So when I slipped, I slipped hard.  I fell and I could not get myself back up and stay up. I was told that I would be doomed without the program and I believed it.  I was too ashamed to go to meetings, knowing that I had relapsed.  So I just gave up.  So the program didn't make me relapse, but in my mind, the program was keeping me from another chance of recovery.

Here is what I need to stay recovered.  I need to know that I am not damaged goods.  I need to be able to know, in my heart of hearts, that I am able to choose.  If I am to believe that I can not choose to be free from food than I shall never be recovered.  My Spirit wants to be happy, joyous and free.  My Spirit doesn't want to be pushed aside and told that I am a hopeless case and that food will eventually kill me.  My Spirit wants to show me that I am a beautiful, shining soul and that I have what it takes to heal.

So if I know all this then why does food seem to be tempting me more?  Why do I find myself turning to food for ease and comfort?  Why do I find myself wondering where I'm going to get my next fix of sugar?  Here's why.

Because I need to heal.  Yes, I said that right.  I need to heal.  I have to heal some buried dis-ease in my Spirit right now.  My response to stress and pain is to pick up food.  The difference this time is that I know that I need to heal a wound right now.  I'm not into the food because there is something wrong with me, I'm into the food because there is something wrong within me.  There is some form of healing that needs to manifest and the pain of facing this healing is putting me in a vulnerable position.

Practicing Reiki has been a gift that I have given myself.  Reiki heals the body, mind and spirit.  Wherever the healing needs to happen is where Reiki does the most good.  At this point in my life I have some healing to do.  I have been getting some pretty obvious signs from the Universe that food is taking over again.  It is my belief that Reiki is helping me to recognize those signs and not disregard them.  In the past I wouldn't have even noticed.  I would have simply put on my blinders and jumped into food and misery.

So yes, I see myself struggling with food right now.  I also see it as a message that I am going into some heavy healing.  The joy is that I see this.  I see that I am picking up food instead of going within and letting the Divine lead me.  Does knowing this mean I'll stop eating crap food?  It definitely helps, but I still need to be careful and be aware of where my thoughts are going.  I will not search out the nearest 12-step meeting, but I will reach out to my friends and family for help.  I will be hopeful and thankful that I can make it through all the yuck that is coming to the surface.

I am blessed.  I am blessed because I have the awareness and the ability to see that I am walking on thin ice.  It could be very easy for me to give in to this addictive behavior like I have in the past.  I will not, however, because I know that recovery for me is a choice.  I get to choose what happy, joyous and free looks like.  I get to listen to my Spirit and let it shine.  I get to heal.

I would like to say that if you find yourself struggling with this, please reach out to someone.  Reach out to me.  We can all use a little love and support.  If your support system leads to feelings of shame and guilt then change your support system.  I can be reached at jklenzmeier (at) frontiernet (dot) net.  I would love to hear from you.

Just my thoughts.

Beauty in the World

This song is my absolute fav right now.  It has been going through my head for days and will be with me while I begin this huge decluttering project.  There IS beauty in the world and I will feel it all the more as I lessen my clutter load. 



I was going to play this song over and over as I work, but I would be too busy dancing to get anything done. :)

Just my thoughts.

Can I do this again?

About a year ago I started a massive decluttering project that took about 2 weeks to complete.  It was overwhelming, scary and exhilirating.  I was so full of pride and joy when I saw the last load of boxes and bags hauled away.  A total of 54 boxes/bags were cleared out of my home during that 2 week period.  Unfortunately that was just a drop in the bucket.  That was from the main living area of our home.  We have a lower level that has still not been decluttered. 

A year later my basement is overflowing with boxes of excess stuff.  I have 3 rooms to go through and the task feels like too much to handle.  I know I can do it.  I have proven that I have the strength to do this.  My struggle is in getting started.  I find myself getting very excited about having those 3 extra rooms cleared out, but as soon as I commit to getting started my feet suddely feel like 50 lb weights and I can't get myself to go down those stairs. 

What lies down there is just clutter.  It is just stuff that my family and I really don't use or need.  I don't even know what is in half the boxes.  Part of me wants to just haul the boxes out, unopened, to the curb.  Part of me wants to go through every item in every box and make sure that I'm not getting rid of something important.  I often find myself saying, "But, Jill, if its so important why has it been moved from box to box and room to room for so many years?"  I have no answer for that question, just a sheepish grin.

Something else lies down in my basement.  Something that has been following me around for most of my life.  I have managed to keep it at bay for awhile now, but have never managed to release it completely.  In my basement lies Shame and Guilt.  Everytime I try to get anything done down there I am overcome by their presence.  I don't want to hang out with them so I scurry back upstairs.  Magically, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs I am free from them.

But I won't be truly free from Shame and Guilt until I release them.  I am holding on to them through all of my clutter.  I am a master at burying things.  I often have a pile of papers and things on my kitchen island.  I know exactly where everything is there.  I know exactly where Shame and Guilt are.  I have strategically buried them amongst the clutter in my basement. 

I am on a path to healing right now.  I am getting stronger and stronger each new day.  I know that Shame and Guilt's days are numbered.  Here I am a year later and getting ready to once again begin a massive decluttering project. I still feel overwhelmed, scared and exhilarated.  I still feel a heaviness come over me when I try to commit to a start date.

Its time.  Its time to begin.  Beginning is hard for me.  Sometimes I have to begin many times, before I really get started.  Maybe beginning won't be hard for me this time.  Maybe I'll march downstairs, tell Shame and Guilt to get the hell out of my way, and just dive right in.  It could happen.  I'm in a different place now.  I have tapped into an amazing healing energy that I didn't have last year.  I am a much stronger woman than I was back then.  I have some things I didn't have then.  I have Respect and Pride and Love for myself.  I have Confidence and Strength.  I have Joy and Patience.  I have quite the arsenal to bring downstairs when I go up against Shame and Guilt.  They are cowering down there, waiting to be cast out. 

Yeah, I think maybe I can do this.

Just my thoughts.

True friends

I was having a discussion with Not-so-Little #1 yesterday about what being a true friend looks like.  We have had this discussion many, many times over the years.  As I explained my take on it, she seemed to agree with me when I said that a true friend doesn't get mad at you when you make mistakes.  A true friend loves you no matter what.  A true friend doesn't try to beat you down or make you feel like they are better than you because they haven't messed up as much as you have.  A true friend doesn't take advantage of friendship.  And then I said something that stumped her.  I said that there is only 1 person that she needs to be friends with.  I told her that, first and foremost, she needs to be a true friend to herself.

Thats when I lost her.  Thats when she tuned me out.  Her eyes glazed over and she just looked away.  It was like I was looking at myself at her age in the mirror.  I too could not bring myself to be a friend to me.  I too struggled with keeping friends.  Everytime I walked away from another friend it hardened my heart a little more.  I blamed the friend for leaving me, but in reality it was I that was doing the leaving.  I didn't think I deserved to have friends, so I made sure that I didn't have too many.

I often think about the friends that I have walked away from in my life.  Some of them would probably not give me the time of day today.  Some of them would joyfully accept me back into their lives.  I have reconnected with some old friends over the past year, and I believe that the only reason that I was able to do that was because I friended myself.  By loving myself unconditionally it helped me to return that love to friends lost. 

I have also made some very special new friends in the last few years.  Opening up my heart to myself was what I needed to make the kind of friends I have right now.  If you feel good about yourself, you attract people who also feel good about you.  If you don't respect yourself you will attract people that also have no respect for you.  I knew this for years before I was actually able to do anything about it.  People would tell me the same thing I told #1 Little.  And as soon as they said those words, "you have to be a friend to yourself first", my eyes would glaze over and I would look away.  I knew full well that that was not possible.

Its possible today.  Today I am able to love the me that I am.  When the Spirit is allowed to shine and be free, self-love can blossom.  When I stopped listening to the lies in my head and started living my life on my terms I became a conduit for Love.  I finally became a true friend.

Its my hope that Not-so-Little #1 doesn't wait till she's 40 to friend herself.  That is a miserable life to live.  I wish I could say that its so simple.  Just accept yourself and live your life joyfully.  It sounds simple, but its not.  Its not easy if you've got your Spirit hidden.  The good news is, that once you let your Spirit shine even a little bit, it starts to get easier.  You start to experience bits of joy and that leaves you hungry for more. 

I believe that we all hold the key to true friendship within us.  Even the nastiest of people that we encounter in life hold the key.  Just remember that their key is misplaced, not lost, just misplaced.  Extending compassion to those angry people could be just what they need to see a glimmer of their shiny.

Is there someone in your life that needs some compassion?  Is there someone in your life that needs to friend themself? Could you be a conduit of Love for them?

Just my thoughts.

Shine on

I haven't been blogging very regularly for quite some time.  It wasn't that I planned on taking breaks, it just happened that way.  I guess I'm just really trying to honor my Spirit and my Spirit has not felt drawn to this blog.  Over the last few days, however, I have felt a tug at my heart.  I started to miss the time I spent writing down my thoughts here.  It started to feel like there was an emptiness, like I was missing a good friend.

So I came here today, just to see how it would feel to let my thoughts flow.  It instantly felt comforting.  Like it used to feel when I first started letting my Spirit out of captivity.  It has taken me many, many months to get to this point of living freely.  I still struggle with days of not listening. Times when I let my ego try to push that voice I hear away.  My Spirit is stronger than the ego now.  These days its harder to dim my shiny.

I've been through so much emotional & spiritual growth these last few months.  I thank the healing art of Reiki for this growth.  I have progressed in my Reiki study to a Reiki II.  I hesitate to call myself a practitioner, but that is what I am doing.  I am practicing Reiki healing, both hands-on and distance healings.  I have a dream of practicing Reiki either out of my home or in a peaceful healing room in another location.  I have had this dream for some time now, but only recently have I committed to following through with plans to live this dream.

My whole life has been one dream after another, that I have always let go. For the first time in my 40-something years I have a plan and I can see the dream and I'm not letting fear get in my head.  I'm taking action.  I've tried the lets-just-see-where-things-go thing.  This time I'm not just waiting to see what happens.  I'm making things happen.  I'm doing what needs to be done.

I can't afford to rent a space right now, and my home is not ready for a separate healing room yet. In the past, those two things would have stopped me in my tracks.  I would have thrown my hands up and proclaimed that that dream wasn't going to happen either.  Today I am busy making preparations to get a space ready in my home to practice Reiki. My family will have to work with me and be patient while I insist that they are quiet during certain times of the day.  Sacrifices will be made by all of us, but I am not going to let these small blocks keep me from moving forward.

My call to heal came months ago.  I knew that I was a healer. I just didn't know what type of healing I would be called to do.  I listened and I waited and I listened some more.  I found crystals and Reiki.  I am focusing on Reiki, but I use crystals when I feel intuitively that they will benefit me.

I'm not so special.  I believe that we are all healers.  I believe that we all hold the knowledge that we need to heal at any time.  Finding the type of healing that is for us doesn't have to be hard.  You just have to let your Spirit guide you to where you need to be.  You just have to be willing to let your Light shine.  By merely living your joy you are healing.  You're healing yourself, which in turn can lead to the healing of others.  There's no limit on healing.  The more people that do it, the better world we'll have.

So can you get your shine on?  Can you accept your healing ability and share it?  Just so you know, healing can come in the form of a hug, a smile, comforting words or even a good belly laugh.  It doesn't get much easier than that.

If you could pick your very own healing gift what would it be?


Just my thoughts.

On This Day

Recently I started a practice of setting an intention for each day.  Upon arising I head into my living room and have my time of quiet.  My daily intention will usually just come to me.  I don't have to sit and think of it, it just comes in.  I've been sharing these intentions on my Facebook page and I just really wanted to post them here as well.

I have been starting each intention with "Just for today", but this morning those words didn't feel like mine.  There is a reading in the 12-step meeting that I used to attend called "Just for today", so I felt like I was borrowing it.  So I've changed the beginning to "on this day".

I have no idea how long I will continue this practice, but for now it feels right and it has really been helpful in getting my day started on an uplifting and positive note.  My world is a better place when I start the day feeling shiny.

  On This Day

On this day, I will have my eyes open, so that I can see all that is good around me.


I will not let things get complicated. I will let the day unfold, rather than force it to bend my way.


I will make sure that my needs are being met. I will value myself enough to know that self-care is important to being happy, joyous and free.


I can let those around me be who they are. I can remove my expectations and just embrace the differences that make us all the spiritual beings that we are.


On this day, I will allow my truest self to shine. I can look within, instead of towards others, to define who I am.


I will be free of fear, anger & resentment. I will choose to let Love lead me through each moment.


I will live in the moment. No wondering about tomorrow or pondering yesterday. Accepting that I am right where I need to be.


I choose to let change happen. I choose to step back and let life happen the way the Divine has planned. I choose to trust.


On this day, I'm going to be gentle with myself and replace the word "should" with the word "could".

Have a shiny day!!

Just my thoughts.